… “life’s tough”

Last night, I was on the last lines of one of the most candid posts I’d written in a very long time when my internet does what it always does and crashes without WordPress doing what it always does – saving my draft.
***** cue a flood of literal tears ****

I had a rough night and that post was what I needed.

A post I wish I could have kept for myself, even if I couldn’t have shared it.
One that described the random, untimely emotions that hit me perfectly. One I could never duplicate. One that spoke of drawing lines in the sand, struggling to decide whether balloons should be let go or kept around until they could no longer drift throughout the house…. one that captured moments of the infertility stories of a random husband-father at Jury Duty, an old high school teacher, a family we met on vacation…. stories of random people I would never talk to because no matter how much I talk or randomly burst into song on a regular basis, I am an introvert to my soul who doesn’t talk to people I don’t know. (I’ve tried… it’s just an awkward mess. lol)

Writing that post made me realize that so many of these “coincidences”  were really an introduction to an incredibly difficult life that I never in a million years thought I’d experience first hand. The number of friends who’ve been placed in my life across spans of time have gone through or are going through the same thing as I am is too much to wrap my head around. But, who are in my life for the greatest reasons – to be supportive and understanding. To share, to encourage, to love on, and cry with.

It was that post that made me realize that no matter how far away God’s love feels, no matter how unfair and unpredictable His plan may seem at the time… nothing surprises Him and it’s all for our good. He orchestrates so many wonderful things in your life to help you get through hard times even if His will doesn’t call for getting you out of them.

A post that is probably better lost in cyberspace…..

A post that I’ve tried with fervor to avoid writing for about a week…

A post that made me deal with where I was….

Unsure. Sad. Always sad but more like heartbroken.

And, struggling with what to do, when.

One that probably shared too much.

Over the past couple of months or so I’ve been asked lots of questions, had many conversations, and heard lots of encouragement about where I am.  For quite some time, I’ve been able to speak on and deflect lots with ease, without a second thought.

I was given a book that has made it’s little home on my nightstand…  I’ve truly been too busy to read it but I also can’t even bring myself to read the summary on the back cover. A book I fully intend to read and one I know I need to make time for but I just can’t bring myself to do it…..

One of my favorite, favorite teenagers told me, “Life’s hard… ”
And, heavens, is it.

You become a pro at shutting of tears at a moment’s notice because you’ve reached your destination and it’s time to smile…… at turning away because you just can’t hold it in any longer…. you get used to falling alseep with a stuffy nose and a wet pillow case, waking up with a headache…. the pain never goes away, the mourning of all of these dreams and ideas is never ending, and the pain relentless.

“life’s hard”

But, what do you do? How do you decide that enough is enough? Or, that this is the “last procedure” or that you shouldn’t take this herb or drink this tea?? Get this massage, endure another surgery, take this pill and this injection? Do this test, take these vitamins??

This path is full of steep ups and downs. One that can only offer  a promise of nothing more than the knowledge that you gave your best shot at an attempt…

This life is full of random good days and bad that you come to expect…. the two steps forward and one step back dance through the stages of grief that make you feel emotionally unstable.

This life pushes you closer to whatever God you serve or whatever keeps you grounded and sane because you know you need something. An intangible something that gives you a hope because there’s just about nothing that can comfort you.

….. here’s to just enduring.

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… connected

God puts the most random people in the most random places at the most random times………………..

(…. if you follow me on Instagram (amayes) or twitter, you’ve seen this picture already. This picture has nothing to do with this post but I took it this weekend and it’s definitely on the top of my favorites list!)

It’s funny how a night of celebration with a friend leads to connecting with a stranger over shared heartache.

Saturday night, Thomas and I met a guy and our conversation started like any other conversation usually does. Both our group and his were celebrating – ours a birthday, his an engagement…. so the conversations moved from the celebrations to careers to family to renting vs owning your own home. We found out that our new found friend was a married man of four years who’s a broker and owns a couple of dogs….. So, while we’re talking about renting/owning and living the different parts of town, Thomas mentions our plans of trying to start a family and moving to a larger place in the near future.

So the conversation shifted.
Our friend and his wife are working on a family, as well…….
And, they’re struggling with infertility.

We literally talked through our procedures, surgeries,failures, feelings, frustrations, and plans…….. It still amazes me when we meet people who are going through the same things because you do feel very alone, very broken, and somehow ostrasized from the rest of the world. Almost like the kid chosen last for kickball during recess. You see your friends and family members chosen constantly….. and, although there are NO ill feelings and nothing but pure happiness for those around you, every time there’s an announcement, it’s just another reminder of what you’re unable to do.

Our new friends do want to adopt in the case that they aren’t able to have their own……. I’m not quite sure what we’re going to do but we have about a year to figure it all out.

I’ve been asked a lot recently if we’re done trying and, I assure you, we’re not. We haven’t tried for very long but I know our road is coming to an end quite soon and it’s scary. I’ve thought about what will happen if our treatments are unsuccessful – “what we’d do”….. obviously, the answer is “live our life” but still….. what would we do?
Living as D.I.N.K.S. (Dual Income, No Kids) doesn’t sound appealing at all. Not even a little bit.
Adoption is an option – I know Thomas is interested….. I’m going to start researching agencies and their procedures…….

I’m hoping for nothing but success for our friends while they go through their next procedure. I do understand. It’s not fun. I know. And, I’m with you.

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… recovery

First day after surgery and I’m doing fairly well…… My belly button aches a bit more, my stomach is sore to the touch, and I can’t move around too long without getting sore. I’m guessing I didn’t feel all of the effects of the surgery yesterday because I still had anesthesia in my system. Switching positions is a little more uncomfortable now than it was before. I don’t have much of an appetite and I’m hoping it comes back quick…. I stay a little hungry but have no real desire to eat. I just drink a lot of juice and nibble here and there.

I am randomly excited about seeing my scars from surgery – I’m always intrigued by surgical scars and I wish I could’ve watched the surgery as it happened…. I asked to record it but I was shot down. I charge it to wanting to know everything. I want to know the size of the tool they inserted in my belly button, what my insides looked like, what the scarring looked like, etc. Seems interesting.

We have a little over two weeks for our post op appointment and a little over 3 for our next treatment. Right now, emotionally, I feel fine. Optimistic mostly…. I’m hoping now that there isn’t a “cast” over my ovary and my fallopian tube is free to move around as it should, I’m praying that things are looking way up for us.

I appreciate the phone calls, texts, and posts more than you know. The outpour of love and support is unexpected and very much appreciated. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

…. here’s to recovery, support, and scars that lead to blessings!

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