the big three….oh

30w

How are we feeling??!?!?!
Definitely feeling like I’m 30 weeks! lol…. Excited about my weight gain, excited about getting more prep done for the girls, and having the best dreams about the day and first few moments they arrive!!!

The fact that these girls will be here in a matter of weeks, more than likely by the end of the year, is literally thrilling and more exciting than anything I’ve ever looked forward to. I’m especially stoked about the first few weeks/couple of months when your only goals are to teach them to depend on you….. I mean, all that means is cuddling you all day and feeding you when you’re hungry. I may be sleep deprived and hurting but to be able to just sit and cuddle “all day”, to watch them sleep, and watch them grow and do new things is perfect enough for me!

What’s going on with the bump?!?!
The bump is doing just fine! The girls are weighing in at 3.6 lbs. and 3.1 lbs. so we are all very pleased with their growth. Hoping my 3.1 lb-er slows her little self down so she can keep her weight on! Of the two, she weighs the least and has the high heart rate and it’s all because she’s so stinking active!! (And, all of that is determined by her mama, not the doctors! lol. But, when you compare her to her very relaxed sister who is almost hitting 4 lbs with a lower heart rate…. I think it’s obvious what’s going on. And, I want her to chill so she can have a higher birth weight. lol.30w
Contrary to what I thought, there is plenty of room for them to move and flip because that’s exactly what they have done. Baby A was vertex 2 weeks ago, now she’s breech. Baby B was breech, now she’s vertex. So, if Baby A chooses to stay put and not flip one more time – I’ll be having a definite c-section. How do I feel about that? Well, once I found out we were expecting twins, even though I was still very serious about a natural water birth (seriously.), I chose to be very open to the method of my girls’ delivery. What I want is a lot less important than what’s best for the girls. So, if that means a c-section…. a c-section it will be!!!!


So, how are you feeling?!
Greeeaaattttt!!! These kicks to my cervix aren’t comfy at all and the girls movements can be uncomfortable, but aside from the physical……. I’m just grateful. Excited. Y’all……….. I’m having TWO baby girls in a few. This time last year I would have never thought that this is how I would be ending the year. EVER. It literally makes me cry. I’m simply praying that we continue to have an eventless pregnancy and safely make it to 37 weeks. I’m praying that my girls won’t have to spend any time at all in the NICU and that they are as healthy as they can possibly be. And, that they latch on well. And, I produce enough milk for everybody. lol.

Anything else?
Absolutely…… A couple of things.
If you people keep gifting my girls such amazingness, you’ll force me to have to try to keep up with you. Which means we’re going to be in a lot more trouble than I thought!!! Like, how adorable are these hangers? How can you expect me to actually USE these beauties? I promised to hang ONE clothing item on them so that is what I will do… then, they’re framed or hung on the wall. Sorry. hangers then….
I told you guys back here that my friend Christin of ChristinShootsPeople asked me to write our story, our journey through infertility, adoption, and now our pregnancy. And, then she went and published it in her magazine. What. Yes. So, naturally. I bought a couple copies and was stoked about getting a complimentary digital copy.
photo 1-5This edition also has a pretty neat write up from my friend Leah about losing your pregnancy weight in a healthy way! She’s absolutely amazing and also has an e-cookbook and does cooking classes and private events. I’m so grateful to be surrounded by amazing women who are serious about their passions and pursue their dreams… then, dream up more dreams to chase! It’s incredibly inspiring.
Anywho, go here and order your copy!!! You won’t be disappointed!!!!!

From mommy….
well, mama packed on 4 lbs in two weeks so…. ***pats self on back***…… and, we’re slowing down to make sure we don’t over do it!! But, I’m grateful that the doctor’s are pleased with your weight gain and the fact that y’all haven’t tried to make your appearance yet! lol. Stay put, we’re not quite ready for you yet! Still can’t wait to meet you though!!!

– mommy

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photo.PNG-3How are we feeling??!?!?!
Good!!!! Thankfully, we’ve had a pretty easy, eventless pregnancy…. it’s crazy that we have only a few more weeks (more like 15) to go!!

What’s going on with the bump?!?!
Lots of baby movements!!!! It’s so exciting! The girls really like moving around at night…. they move around during the day but not nearly as much at night. (They’re moving right now! lol) I can’t wait to see my belly contort and bulge!!!! I missed the whole cravings kick, so hopefully I’ll be able to enjoy and record it! ….. and, I’m measuring at 31 weeks! Fun, huh?

So, how are you feeling?!
Pretty good……. overwhelmed (in a good way) and getting pretty excited about the girls coming!!! I’m doing better with accepting the fact that that they may come in December but truly hoping they hold out til January. But, I know that whenever they come, everything will be fine.

Anything else?
Saw the girls on Friday……. they are moving around and growing really well! Our baby shower was really fun and we had a wonderful time! More on that later!!!

From mommy….
You little people are so well loved!!! There are so many people who are waiting for you, praying for you, and anticipating your arrival!! I can’t wait to sit back and watch you get loved on so well!! It will be so beautiful and such a dream come true!!!

OH!!! And, from our ultrasound, it seems like one of you may look like Daddy and the other may look like me! Can’t wait to see your beautiful faces!!!

– mommy

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it’s all a dream….

IMG_3359(photo credit: Christin Armstrong)

It’s easy to take this belly for granted or to complain about the daily nuances of a baby belly… It’s easy to get so used to it that you begin to believe that it is deserved.  That it’s just “normal”, a “regular” thing. It’s easy to feel far removed from a past that was still very much a part of who you are. Although, the evidence of this pregnancy has become my norm and is the very beginnings of being defined as a mother, I make sure to keep at the forefront of my mind how spectacular a blessing it is.

The saddest part of this experience is that I don’t feel as if my heart has completely softened or slowed yet… I don’t feel as if I’ve caught my breathe or truly grasped the reality or heaviness of this pregnancy – which is insane. And, truly heartbreaking for me.

But, infertility will do that to you. It has a way of changing your heart and the very essence of who you are, how you relate to others, and deal with life. Some lessons of this journey are definitely beneficial, others I can definitely do without. Like, the numbness that results from constant disappointments. The roller coaster rides. The ups and downs of medications. The never ending poking, examining, and prodding. The adoption paperwork, meetings, and packets. The anxiety, fear, and difficulty in trusting what actually is or your gut feelings. Never knowing what’s coming next. The heartbreak of every failed attempt to just breathe. The empty desire to live each day without the worry or stress or chaos… because you know that that’s just not a part of infertility-trying to conceive-trying to adopt journey.

While an upside of being on this journey lends itself to the possibility of growth; in the moment, that reality doesn’t seem to matter in the moment. But, if you keep moving forward you realize that it’s the growth that has kept you going.  You don’t immediately see how you’re torn down while simultaneously built up, reinforced, and strengthened. You are stripped of everything you “knew”or “wanted” and given (without permission.. rude) completely new perspectives and desires. And, that’s frustrating. On many days I was angered and frustrated at how these past four years of infertility have negatively impacted my life. Bitter towards the seemingly most insignificant and most glaring ways it has impacted my marriage and my relationship with my husband. The wasted money, the wasted hours at doctor’s appointments, pointless injections and medications. The guilt of the twinge of jealously and sadness felt when you’re out and about and it seems that every other woman on the planet is expecting; it forces you to reckon with your inabilities and circumstances. And, dealing with it is hard. Balancing the thin line between the unmistakable joy you have for friends and family who are expanding their families and the unmistakable pain you feel when the next cycle begins or you’re in purgatory wanting to just give up but still wanting to soothe that ache in your heart. Or, issues with an adoption agency slow progress or things just aren’t going the way you feel they should. It all seems purposefulness.

The disappointment, guilt, fear, sadness, and pain colors and consumes so much of your life…. It’s easy to lose hope, to accept that it’s “never” going to happen, and to begin to believe that “expansion projects” just weren’t for you. Easy to succumb to this inner defeat that you truly don’t want to give in to but seems to be swallowing you whole.

So, you let it go. You move forward and begin to revamp your life plan. You begin to hope for new things and believe that there’s more than one way to live this life with purpose and experience fulfillment in ways that didn’t include a house full of children, noise, and sleepless nights.

And, then…..IMG_3310-Edit(photo credit: Christin Armstrong)

…. you realize that every single moment you thought was wasted is redeemed…. the humiliation, let downs, and devastations of every experience are being traded for crowns of beauty and you see with your own eyes that God really does make everything beautiful in his own time. That all things truly work tougher for good, that our Father in Heaven truly is the giver of really good and incredibly perfect gifts.

…. you learn by experience (which they say is the best teacher!) that God’s plan for your life truly is much greater than anything you could ever consider. You’re able to look back and see the struggles you’ve gone though and it pales in comparison to what is coming.

…. you are grateful for every experience meant to hurt you and break you because they drove you to the cross and positioned you to be vulnerable and open to the people put in your life to support and love you.

…. you learn that God can restore. That He gives you the desires of your heart. That your soul truly can trust in the Lord and rest in his goodness.

…. most of all, you recognize that these experiences, these years were not wasted, the circumstances not created to break you, but rather to point to someone much greater than ourselves.

This dream…. these girls…. didn’t happen because we finally “stopped trying” or because I “did things God’s way”….. This happened in spite of us  with the purpose of glorifying God alone. Our story happened the way that it did because God planned it that way. The worst of it shows God’s goodness and faithfulness, the best his grace and love for us.

Infertility isn’t the easiest life experience to walk through. Treatments and adoption aren’t either. While neither brought us children, I know how difficult they both can be. The most comforting part of walking any road is that you aren’t the first nor will you be the last to walk that same path. You aren’t alone. Finding, building, and engaging with women who have and are experiencing what you have is a blessing. Being able to walk along side other women who know that struggle is the most encouraging and comforting opportunity.

Share your story in your own way, in your own time. Other women and couples need to hear your voice…. even if it’s a whisper.

 

These little girls truly are a dream come true and I’m so thankful for all of you who have come along side of us, who have stood with us, prayed with us, cried with us, and who are finally rejoicing with us. This is a big deal. I am absolutely looking forward to celebrating our children (whoa.) with our closest friends and family this weekend. It’s going to be so special.

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