… a tiny fierceness

My current, most beloved, and longest lasting screen saver to date…….

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I really just realized how small I was. “Just realizing” meaning within the last year or so. After my 13 yr old sister and 11 year old niece continuing to inch past me, centimeter by centimeter. Along with the fact that I’m also the same size as some 2nd & 3rd graders. I literally can’t wrap my head around being the same size as (and, at times smaller than) prepubescent children. I look at them and I don’t see it.

I don’t typically have a “small” attitude/ personality but when I do, it’s an active choice to be more thoughtful of the other person’s feelings and perspectives than my own, slow to speak, and patient. Most days, I consider myself to be a strong person and I work very hard at getting physically stronger, as well as mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

But, there are times I feel small and frail. And, like most people, I typically equate small and frail to defenseless and not very advantageous … Most people step on and over what is small and are quick to try to take advantage of size.

There are the times I have to remind myself that even though I’m small, I’m quite strong and feisty.

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from my infertility is how strong I am and have the potential to be. When I wonder if I am really strong enough to go through more rounds of treatment knowing what I’m getting myself into and what could happen – I know that I can. The only question is whether I want to or not.

I’m grateful for my infertility for many reasons but one is truly for the heartbreaks and soul aches it has caused. Because of it, I’ve learned so much about myself, I’ve realized that I have the potential and ABILITY to do so many different things… And, drives me to do more than I often don’t think I can. And the progress of those pains, efforts, and ultimately successes keep me going.

You learn to manage. And, I’m hoping, that the stronger I get, the less you I myself “managing” and the more I find myself moving on with much more ease and less effort because I’ve gotten stronger. The tough balance for me is between becoming callous and hard towards life and dealing with the emotions and lessons of life as it ebbs and flows with a mature perspective. I like managing because you are dealing with the emotional part but that logical part is there to give “sense” to the situation, it keeps you from jumping off the ledge. And, grows you up.

Obviously, the main thing that keeps me from standing so close to the ledge and gives me the desire to manage so I can go on with life when the craziest of things happen, is the fact that it’s all been planned and laid out for me. And, even when I veer off and cause myself pain, God is still there.

I’m quite sure I’ve posted the one you need video before…. But, I listened to it today and it got to me. I tend to/have to listen to it from a Heavenly Father/daughter perspective…. Listening to it from an Earthy father/daughter perspective kills me simply because I think of Thomas and how he could possibly miss out on such an amazing experience.

I appreciate knowing that no matter the heartaches I go though, no matter how small, fearful, or fearless I think or feel I am or perceived to be – He is there and makes it all better. Even when I’m the one who spilled the milk I’m crying over, He wipes it up with patience, love, and grace. Then, hands me another glass.

… Here’s to a fun sized, small-ish person like myself having everything needed to go through all life with a fierce strength built from managing and dealing with it all…. with a smile. 🙂
Oh! And, to music and quotes. They, too, make my heart beat!

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… hindsight

Hind sight is truly 20/20. I have a theory on why we are unable to see clearly, with near perfect vision in real time but I’ll save that for a further down in the post.

In my last blog post, I referenced the old late 80’s, early 90’s sit-com Full House’s theme song. Well. Here it is..
When I first pulled this song up, I immediately thought…… “Where did all of this verbage come from?!?!” It’s funny that I never, ever tuned into over half of the song. All I remembered was the “everywhere you  look….” and everything else that came after, and didn’t even catch all of that! Hindsight.

As I listened to the song….. REALLY listened to the song I was surprised at all I’d missed – the meaning behind the lyrics and the life experiences that would bring you to the point where you’re saying ” …. there’s a face of somebody who needs you…… when you’re lost out there and you’re all alone, light is there to carry you home…”. Hindsight AND age! LOL.
We’ll understand it better by and by….. yes? 🙂

I wonder what our lives would be like and our children’s lives would be like if we were taught to see clearly in the moment. Right now. If we were taught to let go of our pride, to be secure enough to be able to ignore what other people say, and look past our own issues and feelings in order to really SEE a situation for what it is. In it’s entirety. I think we’d be able to assess what could really be happening through the lens of reality and neutrality instead of a lens that is clouded and speckled with dust from our pride, unforgiveness, selfishness, and feelings that we don’t deal with and that are allowed to fester.

I am blind. Like, I cannot see ANYthing without (very strong) contact lenses or (very thick) glasses. I’ve been wearing glasses since I was in maybe the third grade. Approximately 20 years. TWENTY YEARS without the ability to see clearly without help. Nuts when you actually think about it. I’ve since gone through the phases from big, huge, blue bulky glasses to a more chic, named brand, thankful for technology black rimmed glasses when I’m not wearing my barely noticeable contact lenses. I’ve gone from needing a huge amount of obvious help that kept me from being as active as I would have liked to being able to get along in the world without a hinderance to my daily life.

From many years of personal experience, when you’re fitted for glasses or contacts, you go through this process of determining your vision ratio…. determining through which lens you see better out of. You sit behind this huge machine – just you and your terrible eyes – and different lenses are “tried out”. The optomoligist will say “Can you see line 3 with this lens?” You’ll either respond “yes or no”… Then, he’ll click to another lens and ask you “Is this better or worse?” Based on your response, he’ll keep clicking away or move on to fit the next eye for the appropriate lens. I say that to say this …. sometimes, it’s takes us going through a few different (sometimes painful) experiences, and even moments of self relection and honesty, to get to the point where we’re able to see things clearly. And, it is okay. It’s Romans 8:28 at it’s finest. It all works out.

Now. I do not believe that we arrive here able to see past ourselves. We are naturally selfish and self seeking. We naturally do not consider others before we consider ourselves. Some come a bit more sensitive to those around them than others, some don’t. Then, as we are raised and have our own life experiences, nuture kicks in and we’re taught to err on one side of the line or the another.
Some people are taught to view life through corrective lenses than with glasses.
Although, I have both glasses AND contacts, I prefer to wear my contacts. They both give a bit of a different perspective and I feel I’m more 20/20 with my contacts. There is no field of sight that’s blurry, I don’t have to worry about being unable to clearly see because of dust particles or STUFF that tend to find their way to the lens of my glasses.

I think those of us who are taught to view life through contacts, are able to see more in regards to both quantity and quality than those of us who were taught to view life with glasses. I’ve had to learn quite quickly to put away my glasses and view life through the life lenses of my contacts. I’ve needed help – and thank God for it. I’ve found that when you view life through the dirty lenses of glasses, you’re only able to see what’s directly in front of you – no clear peripheal vision here, so there’s not other perspective when making decisions on which way to go. And, you’re only able to see as clearly as your lenses are clean. So, if you have lenses that are marred with dried rain drops (maybe tears from past hurts?), dust particles (possibly unforgiveness?), and mascara (pride, insecurity??)….. what are you able to clearly see? You can’t see what could be coming up from your left or your right (your future?) and you’re unable to see life as it really is because your vision is blocked by all of this STUFF! Your decisions can’t be sound, wise choices because you can’t see! Our present is affected, our future, the lives of others are always made better or worse by the decisions we make…. and, then we kick ourselves later on (and, yes, “later” is relative) when we realize what we’ve done. Hindsight.

I’m thankful for honest friends who are able to give me perspective. I’m thankful for the growth God has allowed me to experience, grateful for wisdom, and forever indebted to those around me (books & the Bible, too, lol) that force me to self reflect and get over myself. I’m getting to the point where I’m able to do it a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit more easily on my own and accept perceptive challenges with a bit more ease. These folks (writers of books included) are my help that allow me to grow in the maturity needed to help me graduate from glasses to corrective lenses. They’ve taught me how to navigate life appropriately even through tear stained, crooked glasses, and mascara clad galsses. I can see. Even when the decisions I’ve made leave me saying “hindsight is 20/20”, I have the clarity NOW to live with as close to 20/20 vision in the PRESENT as I can.

…. here’s to clarity. To honest, true to ourselves decisions. To being able to look back, in hindsight and just smile. To trusting perspectives and your help when your spectacles are speckled with doubt. 🙂

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