…. because Christ was born

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So, today, we began our baby registry.

And, I cried.

No matter what, I’m thankful for God’s goodness. I cannot. Cannot. Cannot get over the fact that we are actually preparing to adopt twin girls.
The more we prepare, the more emotional I get.

The more adorable, teeny clothes I buy, the more I dream of what their personal style will actually end up being.

I wonder who they’ll be and what our relationship will be like. If we’ll drive Thomas up the wall with the pink, tulle, crafts, gifts, & such.

If they’ll be smiley or a bit more standoffish when they arrive. Which baby will be serene and which one will be more sassy??

I’m wondering who God is preparing us to raise. I’m wondering about the struggles before us.
Things I’ve never really considered before – I automatically believed that they would be healthy – most babies are of will be soon after. Right?
If they’ll be quick learners, have to study a lot, be into their education or will they not care about school? – every mother/teacher’s stressor.
Will they have delays or will they do things early – no mama wants their babies behind the curve, yea?

I’m thinking that this could very well be the last holiday season we have on our own.

Adoptive mamas will say how they year for their babies while they wait & I thought it was just an impatience. Wanting time to speed up a bit so that babies can be born or brought home. It’s a feeling I didn’t understand but am becoming all too familiar with now.

I believe that feeling comes from a protective instinct and the other natural desires to finally have that baby you’ve ached for in your arms.

I’m thinking of how unfair life can be and how, for the most part, we do nothing to receive the cards we’ve been dealt; but, here we are.

I want my girls. I pray for them in so many ways.

And, as I wait for them, I learn more and more to entrust them to God.

My favorite Christmas song is Oh, Holy Night. I love that it is a song of hope…. That it praises our Savior for who he will be. It praises him for doing what he promised He would – even before He did it.
My favorite line “a thrill of hope, a weary world rejoices” ………..
I love that God gave us someone to put our hope in. Somewhere to find peace and rest.

As my heart quakes at the idea and reality of my girls making their debut so soon…………. This adoption process – which proves so difficult for every mama who has ever experienced this amazing blessing; I’m glad to be reminded through a song that has (seemingly) NOTHING to do with adoption, that God has sent us someone who can calm weary, terrified, & anxious hearts.

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… early morning worship

I must say that it is true…. the more you learn and know about WHO God is, the more you want to worship Him for being just that – God.

The funniest part is, the older I get, the more I enjoy those old hymns that I hated singing when I was younger. The words didn’t make sense, there were too many “thous”, it was slow… But, if they aren’t true and applicable, if they aren’t the best prayers, and the most needed affirmations I don’t know what is.

So. Thanks to my Hillsong Pandora Station I heard these gems early this morning and HAD to share!!!
(The videos aren’t the most “up to date” or “entertaining” but that’s okay. I just chalk it up to the goodness of these songs and the truth of their lyrics not competing with visual distractions! lol

In Christ Alone – Geoff Moore & Adrienne Liesching
…. This song is my mantra right now and I’m so thankful to God for allowing me to hear it this morning. It’s what I need. My affirmation. My truth.

Open the Eyes of My Heart – Micheal W. Smith
… So thankful God opened my heart to something I wasn’t in the slightest bit interested in… He is truly amazing and I’m loving watching His plan unfold. I can see how all of the heartache and pain from the past couple of years has driven me to my knees, forcing me to learn to trust and depend on Him. Where would I be if I’d never experienced it?

Hope you enjoy these songs just as much as I have!!!
Have a great day!
Be bold in truth and love today!

Pray for us – we have another information meeting with another adoption agency tonight! We need guidance!

…. here’s to starting the morning off with worship!

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… out of the darkness

One of the hardest yet most encouraging parts of this journey is watching so many others come into mother/parenthood. One of the toughest assumptions to battle that is connected with dealing with this is that we, infertiles, are angry at or jealous of the individual. Yes, I’m sure there are some women who can lash out but our issues, at their core, are not with you mamas…. but, rather with the battles that are (literally) within us – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I am not one of those women and although this post is very candid, it is about my growth rather than another’s blessings.

I’ve said before that this is a tough life. Very hard. Very isolating. Very dark. At times, seemingly hopeless……. Especially during “baby season” and when it seems as if every time you log onto Facebook or run into friends, there is a plethora of  amazing news to share.

It’s during these times, we tend to go to “that place”. And, if you just so happen to be on your cycle during the time of announcements or during a “moment”, it’s a double whammy and the depth of that darkness is even deeper.

I went to that dark place last week. While watching the new Private Practice episode where Charlotte is angry and beside herself because she is pregnant with triplets…  after logging onto Facebook on one of “those” days where everyone has an annoucement. After coming down from a rough day.

I went there. It’s a place that pulls you in no matter how hard to try. Broken hearts are virtually impossible to escape.

I cried. Thomas came home and had that look on his face when he saw the look I had on my face. Thankfully, he knows and just let me be. Which is what I needed. I cried myself to sleep and woke up with next day willing myself to move forward.

The funny/strange part is that I woke up repeating “.. out the of the darkness that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul..” from Invictus
and after I got that in/out of my system, I moved on to singing Isreal Houghton’s “Everywhere That I Go”, then remebered Genesis 16:13 and thanked God for being “.. the God who sees me…”.

In this life it is soooo easy to forget the truths of God, to get caught up in the now, and overwhelmed with the issues of life. We forget that we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for and that we have someone with us who has paved our way before the beginning of time, who is with us now, and who thinks more of us than we can imagine. He sees us, our every moment, and catches every tear. He knows our deepest desires and has felt every hurt. He is with us. And, thankfully, He allows us to abide in Him, as well.

He is the light shining through the darkness giving us hope, anchoring our souls, and giving us a peace and a comfort (in the midst of circumstance) that cannot be understood.

…. He sees me. And, that is enough.

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