saturday morning ramblings

The truths of God’s sovereignty have been a major and consistent topic in my life over the past few years but have really come together in the past couple of months. The rubber has been meeting the road and the act of trusting God faithfully has stretched so well. These situations have brought me to places that even in their greatest difficulty have shown me how much I’ve grown, how much better I am, and what the end result of both my character and difficult places could be.

God’s sovereignty is so much deeper than him reigning & holding the world in his hands and more than a difficult word to spell. (I literally can’t ever get it right… the fact that ‘reign’ is in the word helps but it never really looks quite right, yea?)

It took quite a few series of unfortunate events, linking truths, and many a conversation for me to move from theory to real life. You’d think after all we’ve been though that I would get it, that I would understand that God is sovereign (got it!) and that I can control nothing, but I wasn’t quite there yet.

I am a very passionate rebellious perfectionist…. How that is, I don’t know but I’ve found that that is who I am. I’m at home with my nose piercing, big natural hair, tattoo and conservative clothing. I am always thinking of how people will feel or what they’re thinking; even after I’ve not so nicely spoken my mind or unintentionally done something stupid or selfish….. when I am stern and harsh with my students or whomever because my expectations are high and my desire for them to be “good” and “right” overshadow my communicating to them that I am proud of them and love them.

My actions were not trusting God’s sovereignty (2x in a row!). I thought that if I talked enough about being considerate that the importance of taking others into consideration would be realized. That if enough examples were given on why this result was happening, would be enough to begin a change in behavior. Because, that is who I am. The problem with this is that the goal is all the way wrong, while the motive is in the right place.

My goal of being right and good was so that I would be seen as good and others would be taken care of. But, that is all so very wrong. My motives should be to honor God alone. Yes, I’ve always wanted to honor God, but I realize that I didn’t understand what that meant.

At the end of the day, no matter how much I push for any given result, it’s God choice on whether the result I want will even occur and if it does, the details will come only in his timing. 

That fact freed me. Freed me to love like Jesus, give grace upon grace upon grace in the hardest and most frustrating situations, and to trust God like I haven’t before. It’s not easy, but it’s so beautiful to see how God works situations out for good.

This act of submitting to God’s sovereignty is a beautiful example of how I believe he pulls us towards him. I believe that those around you feel more comfortable to just be and when mess ups do happen, they feel comfortable in coming to you or addressing issues because they know that you will respond with love, grace, and acceptance. Even when angry, knowing that God will work things out and our only job is to immolate him provides such a soft place to land. And, isn’t that what God does for us? We know He loves us, is patient with us, will forgive us, and will always accept us. No matter what we do. So, even  though there are times we go to Him completely ashamed and wallowing in our unworthiness, the comfort that comes with the love we will be met with draws us to Him and causes us to want to honor him more and more.

One of my issues with always being so forgiving and gracious is that people take advantage of that. While you still have to address issues, that gracious response is ignored. And, that is frustrating to me. It’s rude and unfair. It’s arrogant and shortsighted. But, what’s funny is that not only do we have that same response to the Lord, but that ungrateful response continuously shows us his character. He is honored no matter how we are treated! Aren’t we grateful for his love for us even when we mess up over and over and over again? Aren’t we moved to love others how he loves us? All of that is because of how he sovereignly designed relationships.

The process of becoming is a long one. It’s hard and painful and drags us through some pretty ugly things. It’s ugly for everyone on both sides. It’s uncomfortable and scary. But, what makes this process so beautiful is that it all works together and it is honoring to God. Those are the only motives that will keep us from falling into a hardened, dark place. Doing “good” so that others are taken care of and considered is nice but won’t last because our efforts may not ever be appreciated and we may never be treated well for our “good works”.  At some point we will tire of working in our own strengths.

But, working as unto the Lord, serving, responding, forgiving, loving, sacrificing, submitting, and just being as unto the Lord will never return void. Even when we’re hurt in the process.

Freedom in Christ is about much more than not being bound by the law. It’s more than being able to sin and receive grace rather than condemnation. And, I’m sure it’s more than the confidence that comes with submitting to God without worry or fear of the future or responses of others……

The sovereignty of God frees us to loves and serve others out of an unending reserve provided to us by the relentless grace of God.  A reserve of love, peace, faithfulness, self-control, kindness, forgiveness, and goodness that we could never authentically provide and definitely don’t deserve ourselves. God’s sovereignty puts us on the same playing field so that we can always serve out of understanding and compassion.

His sovereignty changes us all at the perfect time so that our pasts, failures, rebellions, successes, and feats will be honoring to Him in some way.

There’s freedom in leaving all of that change up to God.
There’s peace in trusting the sovereignty of God.
There’s grace when we mess it all up, thanks be to God.


quick thoughts

flourishThis print was a Flourish gift. I recently framed it and placed it next to my bed. It’s such a sweet reminder that no matter what you go through or experience in life, you have the opportunity to flourish and sit in the presence of God if you choose.

If you aren’t too angry, if you aren’t too self focused or short sighted. Feelings and emotions that are real and hard to get through when you’re in the thick of hard times. It’s not easy, but understanding who you belong to and what that truly means & how those truths effect your life, are perspective changing.

I’m learning a lot about God’s sovereignty & just resting peacefully while He works on my heart & the hearts of the people around me.

Psalm 58:9 is pretty sweet, too..
For what you have done I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people. And, I will hope in your name for your name is good.

At the end of the day, God is good and his goodness is a part of his character that never changes or is affected by outside influences. It doesn’t waver due to our sins, how He is seen or thought about, or because his feelings about us have changed for any reason.

That’s worth hoping in Christ for.


seeing double

DOUBLE the blessings,
DOUBLE the fun,
DOUBLE the excitement,
We’re expecting more than one!!!!

WE ARE EXPECTING TWINS!!!!!ultrasound5

If I wasn’t at the appointment, I’d have trouble believing it myself!
But, our God is one who knows the desires of your heart and provides BIG when the time is right and in a way that will honor him and bring the most glory to His name!

My mind’s reeling…. my heart is so incredibly full. To see our doctor find those babies, measure them, and track their heartbeats was one of the most spectacular moments of my life. It was amazing.

I love my OB so much… she’s always been amazing. But, when she initially scanned my uterus, I saw two black circles and let out a great big “WHAT!!!!!” lol. I wasn’t expecting two babies. At all. At all. I was so grateful with the thought of just having one. I was so grateful!
IMG_4751What am I most excited about at this moment?  More doctor appointments and being able to see my babies at every single appointment. I wasn’t so thrilled at having to gain TWICE the amount of weight, but now I’m just looking forward to growing healthy babies. Also thrilled that I’ve seemed to have completely avoided morning sickness, nausea, and all forms of pregnancy symptom evil aside from cramps (that are now few and far between) and sore boobies! lol.

At almost 7 weeks (7 on Wednesday), we are still in the “danger zone” of not only miscarriage but also vanishing twin phenomenon. One  of the babes could literally be absorbed into my system between now and week twelve, but that’s not our concern. Not my concern. My concerns center around doing what I can to make sure I am healthy and depending on God for the rest. All of this has been so amazing and unexpected, orchestrated and planned by God. As I pray for these two little buns all I can do is have the faith in Him. I already know that His promises are true. That, yes, I am thought about. That, yes, good things can truly happen to me. That He really does give good gifts to his children!


 Over the past few years I’ve felt so alone, ignored, and pushed to the side by God. It’s been so difficult seeing others’ stories unfold so beautifully even in the midst of their forever long journeys and disappointments. Never quite feeling as if I would have a moment to experience such a joy and finally get off of the merry-go-round that is infertility. But, realizing that that was a part of my plan and that God was thinking of me the entire time…. I’ve never felt so loved by Him. His timing is so good. The details of His plans so meticulous and perfect.

I am so grateful. Still shocked. But, so incredibly thankful at the good God has given us.

… here’s to unexpected surprises? lol.

Post Jam: Your Hands by JJ Heller