… quiet moments

It’s 2:40 in the morning. And, unfortunately, I’m awake.

5 am will come quite quickly and I’m going to wish I could reclaim the last hour plus I’ve been awake.

This seems to be my “time” though…. At least three times a week, I wake up about 2a and can’t fall asleep again until about three.

Hoping to spend this time wisely. Allowing God to search my heart and reveal to me the ickiness that’s found it’s place in the very place that guides my thoughts, speech, and life.

Praying that this is where I can be most free and vulnerable. Praying, crying, and just opening my heart without fear or self consciousness hindering me.

I’m still so emotional over Tenth Avenue North’s song Worn.
I thought today about how our lives are exactly what God planned for them to be. Sometimes that’s hard for me to accept. Hard for me to swallow. Hard for me to want to hear and I realize that it’s only hard because I’m thinking of myself. My wants. My preferences. My heart’s desires (that are rooted in me).

And, when the truth sets in, I’m convicted and my perspective shifts from wishing this and sad because of that- I remember that my life isn’t about me. That if I were to stay face to face with my Lord I’d realize that even though its hard and “my prayers wear thin”, even though I’m weakened and feeling beat down – God’s glory is at stake. I’m challenged to depend on him for strength to get through it all, strength to be patient & kind when it’s really just not there. I have to choose to do what’s hard and uncomfortable.

I have to believe that he sees me, that he cares for me, and that he is sanctifying me. That he’s cleaning me up. That he’s preparing me.

I have to stay near him – I don’t like the impatient, rude, hard, and difficult person that tends to emerge when I allow my schedule to create distance. It leaves me so completely open to focus on this life and myself.
I get frustrated at what I feel and how I’m behaving. That my weariness is wearing on me. That there seems to be no relief.

Then, I’m thankful for these early morning moments when I know God is calling me to his side. Refocusing me. Comforting me. Wiping my tears and strengthening me for the day’s challenges.

And, I’m at peace.
For The Lord is a dwelling place and underneath are the everlasting arms.

In him there is peace, forgiveness, redemption, sanctification, and joy. There’s hope. And, the realization that life isn’t all that bad.

That he gives. He surprises. He blesses. He sees us and thinks of us and gifts us at just the right time.

So, frustration turns to peace, irritation becomes patience, and we’re revitalized by the fact that we serve a God who loves us and he deserves our greatest so that he can receive the utmost glory.

Forgive me, God.
My life isn’t about me, but you and you have blessed us even in our self focused sin. You’re good and I thank you for your unwavering character, your steadfast promises and truths, and your dedication to sanctifying someone such as myself. I honor you and today I pray that my behavior and words glorify you.

…. to a refocused heart.
And the last hour and forty five minutes of restful sleep I’m praying for. 🙂

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… worn

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I heard this song on Brandon Heath’s Pandora station and all but fell apart on the inside.

Between our adoption/fostering process being the most difficult situation and school starting – I am completely worn out.

Physically, emotionally, and mentally.

But, I see God’s grace in so many ways in every area I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I just have to get there.

I hear His voice guiding me and giving me directions on what to do when. Unfortunately, there have been times when, in the heat of the moment, I’ve forgotten everything He’s said. But, thankfully in His grace, he continues to give me opportunities to do better and obey the second (fifth) time around.

And, when I remember how gracious and patient he is to me….. It’s a bit easier to remember to be gracious and patient with my kids at school. I hope I’m getting better. I hope I’m listening more. I hope I am hearing him in the midst of everything else that is going on.

Just like I hope my kids are hearing me when their friends are talking to them or when they’re chatty and excited about learning the Scientific Method with candy …… (Yesterday was rough, y’all….)

I pray that I remember that he told me to be silent rather than impatient. To walk away rather than roll my eyes or give “a look”. And, reminds me to go back to love on and apologize when I’m wrong.

He shows me His glory. He gave us rest when we’re weary and worn. He sees our tears and hears our cries. He loves us. He fills us with HIS peace and joy until redemption comes.

He prepares us before he gives us his best.
And, for that preparation process- even when it’s painful – I am thankful for.

…. here’s to being comforted by the Comforter when I completely worn and forgive when I’m completely wrong.

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… moving past comfort

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I had the most amazing text-versation with a fellow adoptive mama today and my heart has completely broken what she shared with me.

Just a link.
A little link that led me to the most heart wrenching information I’ve come across in a while.
Here it is —-> click.

Did you scroll through? Did you see the numbers? Did you find your state?

I’m in Texas.
Everything is bigger here – including the number of children waiting to be adopted. THAT crazy, bigger than any over state’s numbers number doesn’t include kiddos in foster care.

Yes. Maybe it’s because we’re the second largest state in the country but Alaska is the largest and are even in the thousands while California, the third largest state, has about 600 less children in need of homes.

It’s heart breaking.
But, did you see the number of churches in each state?
Ouch.

It wasn’t really until the very end of last year that my heart begin to sink for the orphan. Not because I didn’t care about children who didn’t have homes, but because they weren’t on my radar. I really didn’t know anyone who’d adopted (a couple of people separated by distant degrees) and I was still very much hoping to land myself right back in my doctor’s office for more fertility treatments.

But, since then, my eyes have been opened to a population of children who need homes. Who need to be loved on. Who need the love of God shared with them. Who need to know what trust and consistency and true love really looks like.

We are planning to privately adopt – we want a newbie and the odds of us getting on is slim in the system, our wait may be a while. But, my heart seems to be aching to DO something in the wait.

I’m praying though.
Praying for my heart and my husband’s.
Praying for our vision for our family.
Praying that we as a body of Believers…. We as Christians will take on the concerns of Christ.

Caring about the widow and orphan just as much as we care about forgiveness and mercy. Tithing and attending church.

The widow… The homeless… The orphan are a portion of our population that can’t function the way a lot of us are able to. Widows no longer have that leader, that protection that they are used to. (I can’t imagine losing Thomas, I’d imagine I’d feel lost and alone having a difficult time adjusting)…… For whatever reason, the homeless are without a home. Unable to provide for themselves for whatever reason.
And, the orphan. Children. Babies. And, toddlers who are subjected to more in their short lives than many of us will ever experience.

Who stands in the gap for the least of these? For the broken and hurting? The defenseless?

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If it is anyone, it should be us.
Christians who understand what it is like to feel broken and defenseless…. Needing a rescuer….. Someone they can lean on, someone to help them bear their burdens and protect them from the dangers of the world.

To show them, if only for a little while, that while on Earth there is someone who cares for you, who will intercede for you, and who will tangibly sacrifice and show the love of God to you. Teaching them about the love of a Savior who heals broken hearts and comforts the soul.

But, we love our comforts. We love having more space than we need because we “need” it. We love our comfort zones – unwilling to stretch ourselves for another. We don’t see how we can “add another” forgetting that we have more than most have and what we do have is given to a God who we KNOW provides all of our needs and gives us extra to fund our wants. It forces us to focus our attention on someone other than ourselves.

We don’t see how we can help either because we really don’t want to or are completely unaware of the various ways we can.

Stretching and sacrificing for the good of others is HARD. It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary. It’s unconventional. It’s counter-cultural.

But, our God asks us to for His sake. Because He sacrificed and stretched for us. He did hard things too. He lived in a way that was counter-cultural, too. For others. He understood that His sacrifices were for the absolute good of other people.

I hate that I was one of the Christians who buried my head in the sand, who was unwilling to see past myself.

Our lives were never supposed to be about us. But, how we so easily focus on ourselves and make excuses for why we won’t pour ourselves into the lives of others.

I saw this on a friend’s IG and cringed at it because for so long I needed to be pushed, paddled, pulled, and urged.

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… here’s to writing and dealing with what hurts. With what’s embarrassing and difficult.

But, will you stretch with me? Will you get frustrated with me and ask God to reveal to you what He wants you to get fired up about? What He wants your God centered passions to be?

Just go. Do it. And, serve our God with me with gladness. Pouring yourself out for His sake, knowing that He will provide your every need and walk side by side with you through it all.

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