nostalgia

IMG_5486.JPGI have a messy little eater….. My teensiest babe is a little guzzler and leaks milk ev.er.eee.where. Ok? Like all over the place. So, (when her dad feeds her) she usually needs a onesie swap after she eats. Yea, I kinda threw him under the bus there…. Lol.
Anywho.
The girls have been wearing NB sizes and they’ve been baggy. Especially on Rhyann because she’s smaller. WELL. Today! My girl FITS one of the smallest NB onesies she has. And, I just about cried.

Becoming emotional over the girls filling out a onesie or downing their 3oz of milk may seem trivial, but knowing there these girls have come from makes it huge. Just a few weeks ago, they were having trouble finishing 45cc’s (1.5 oz) of milk and would have to have whatever they didn’t finish tubed. They couldn’t maintain their weight – it was constantly up and down, not stabilizing at all. Rhy dropped to a bit over 3lbs at some point and in the two weeks she’s been home, she’s gained three pounds. (!!!!!!!!) Both girls have gained in weight and grown in length since they’ve been home and that makes my heart sing.

I remember how light they were in my arms and how frail & itty bitty they looked. I can hear how soft their cries were and the annoying beeps of the NICU. I won’t ever forget how long the days were and how sad it was to leave them alone at night. How scary it was to meet with the doctors or receive their calls, anxious to hear how they did during the night.

IMG_5960.JPG photo taken by Christin Armstrong

To see them now is to see completely different babies. Babies who scream with intentions of making sure you hear and attend to them. These girls have preferences and the sweetest smiles. They’re so beautiful and changing everyday.

So, I’m proud of them and incredibly grateful for them.

So proud of how God has allowed them to grow and develop as they have and humbled that I’m able to have a front row seat to their lives. I’m looking forward to what God is going to do with these girls and how He’s going to be made known through their lives.

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31!!

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(sick of my red dress pix yet?)

How are we feeling??!?!?!
 Only really uncomfortable when I’m trying to get to sleep. They can jolt me a bit with their movements…. they’re getting stronger and the space is getting tighter and tighter so it gets pretty interesting to feel them moving around. I enjoy it and trying to figure out what limbs are protruding from my belly! Rubbing my fingers over them and watching them try to get comfy is getting sweeter and sweeter as we get closer to delivery. Which I have no idea when that would be which is a little bit scary. Eek! I know I will miss them so much when they’re “out”…… But, then again…. I know it’s going to be even sweeter playing with them in real life!

What’s going on with the bump?!?!
So far so good! I’m down to weekly appointments – which lets ya know it’s TIME. I’m so excited about seeing them this week and checking in with the doctor. I’m looking forward to getting their car seats installed, washing their clothes, and finishing up their nursery! It’s surreal. Absolutely surreal and this is part of what makes me so stinking emotional. I mean, how in the world do I deserve these two baby girls? Yes, we’ve been through more than I would have liked to for much longer than I would have liked to. But, oh my goodness.

I’m not sold on any specific delivery process. If I had my way I’d have a natural delivery in a whirlpool with low lights, lots of candles, and soft music. lol. I mean, seems like the most peaceful way to come into the world, yea? lol. But, I’ll be delivering in an operating room (so not exciting) and if the girls haven’t repositioned themselves and stay as they were at my last appointment (A: breech, B: vertex), I’ll be having a c-section. Which isn’t so bad because I can make sure my hair and makeup are camera ready. Vain? Possibly, but I’ve waited a looooong time for this and I want to make sure the pictures I’ll be looking at for the rest of my life are amazing. lol.

So, how are you feeling?!
All of the hormonal ups and downs have been completely averted until NOW. And, I’m emotional but I don’t do a whole lot of crying. Not a terrible amount…. I like to think that I can cover most emotional responses with logic and reality. But, it’s never been harder than it is now and it is scary.

Anything else?
Not really. I just trying to get ready in as many ways as I can without stressing myself out too much.

From mommy….
So ready to meet you girls. This is absolutely unreal. I can’t imagine how perfect you’ll be!

– mommy

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… be thankful

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(photos by Temi Coker… find him on Insta @temi.coker)

This past year, specifically, has been so difficult for me. From January til now, it’s been very hard… literally, no ease up.  And, over the past few months I’ve worked to deal with and address (within myself) the effects and feelings of everything that’s happened even though it’s so incredibly difficult for me to do.

I would pray and read and ask God for the strength to persevere, to “be right”, to endure, and to just get whatever it is I should learn from these struggles – even if it’s patience. And, my mind would wander to all of junk that’s happened and I would end up frustrated; not even focused on God.

So, this morning, I woke up committed to just breathing and being grateful in spite of what’s happened. I know that there is so much more to be grateful for aside from and even in the middle of chaos than I’ve allowed myself to see.

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Have you heard of She Reads Truth? It’s a wonderful women’s devo; I follow them on Insta, and have their app. Yes, I’m a total Stan!! I love how they use their little space on this app to encourage and speak truth… how their app is full of devos that refocus you and give you truth (not something that just sounds good) to rest in. This morning their IG posts says:

When we seek Him, we will find Him – His Word says it’s true. And so we give thanks. We cling to Him and to the promise of Him, and we give thanks For although we may feel lost, we know He never loses us. 

No matter what I’ve gone through, God has his eye on me. And, for that I am so incredibly grateful. Oh my God, if there’s anything to be grateful for – it’s that Jesus is within me, that he’s with me. That heartache isn’t for nothing. I’m grateful that He reminds me that the most important things to be grateful for are His promises….. that because of Jesus I have something to be grateful for.

That sounds so stupid. I know. So lofty and spacey, so trite. But, when everything has shaken and the reality sets in that nothing is certain….. all the truth and solidarity you have is that Jesus is with you – you quickly realize how much we take his faithfulness for granted. How we truly DON’T depend on Him for strength, endurance, and peace. How when we pray in difficult moments for patience and then immediately respond impatiently – that we aren’t trusting Him for what He promises He can give us. For what he so graciously offers us.

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I have experienced God being a redeemer.
I have experienced his faithfulness.
I know that He is a comforter & peace.

But, I’d forgotten.
I wasn’t focused.
I was afraid.

But, thankfully, I am reminded of what an amazing Savior He is.

I’m thankful.
Thankful for these girls whose lives I will forever be stilled by. I mean, I wrote back here about how Sarah and Hannah responded so differently to infertility….. I read my words, my truth about how over having my own children I was…. And, I see how this insane story has unfolded and I know that only God allowed me/us to respond to such foolishness, difficulty, hurt, and chaos the way He did. I pray for their lives daily…. pray that they have a heart for Jesus and are committed to “go slow” in trusting God. GO!!!
Thankful that I have family who double as real friends and friends who double as family who are the most supportive and encouraging…. who I can learn from and share so many hilarious and exciting memories with.

There’s always, always, always something to be thankful for……. We have just have to position ourselves to realize it and acknowledge it. Without comparing one thing against another. Without wishing and hoping things were different. Without disconnecting from life and our circumstances. But, showing gratitude for all things in the midst of having everything or having nothing because we know that although this life comes with struggle we have so so much to be grateful for.

And, finally, I am thankful that somehow this post was able to be restored. Idk what I did but I intended to publish this post and it somehow got lost and I broke down in tears.  I was already talking myself through getting over it… But, now, I’m happy and can cook with a peaceful, settled mind! 🙂

Post Jam: Jesus Saves by Jeremy Camp
*** I literally love this song….. hope you enjoy it, too! ***

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