… until he moves

One thing I’m definitely not good at it is waiting…. but I’ve gotten a whole lot better. Like leaps and bounds better at waiting and it’s still an area I am working to improve in. No matter how long or short the wait, I want to wait well. Even though it’s hard.

Waiting well is a skill I believe the Lord has been honing in me for quite a while…. and while it’s hard, I appreciate it so much. Almost to the point of tears. How we wait speaks greatly to how much we trust the one we’re waiting on… much more, I believe, than what we’re excited about, what we’re anticipating, and what we need.

Waiting well doesn’t look like busy-ing yourself but still watching the clock.
Waiting well doesn’t look like rolling your eyes & blowing air everytime “something” happens but isn’t what we’re waiting for. (You know how we do when we’re waiting for that phone call or text.)
Waiting well doesn’t mean you completely push your desires to the back of your mind as if you have forgetten about it, but it’s still very much at the forefront.

It looks like trust. Trust looks like patience. Patience looks like discipline and dependence.

When I tell or ask my girls to wait… they have no idea how long it’s going to last. And, honestly, I don’t always either. But, I do know that I don’t expect them to try and go behind my back and do it themselves. My expectation isn’t for them to grumble and whine. Or pick fights between each other. It definitely isn’t to get into something else they have no business getting into simply because I’m ‘taking too long’.

I expect them to obey while they wait.
I expect them to exercise some discipline.
To busy themselves doing what they know they can or should be doing.
I definitely wouldn’t be mad if they decided to clean up their toys.
Or just patiently wait with me.

But trying to do what they’re waiting for me to do can cause a mess. Usually causes a mess.
Going ahead of me while I’m preparing so that we can move on together causes a mess and something extra that I have to clean up, they get in trouble for, and our fun experience isn’t so fun anymore…. and they may have missed out on a fun opportunity……… picking up what I’m putting down?

We are children, trusting an all knowing Father. A father who plans really well. One who has incredible things for us that he promises to give. One who has incredible Earthly & Heavenly rewards for our obedience…. and he will do what he said. At the right time. He doesn’t forget about us. He doesn’t make empty promises. What he has for us is worth the wait.

I’ve been praying for two things, two areas specifically for a year. Loosely for much longer than that. And, it’s hard. There have been times I didn’t wait well. But, I absolutely see the benefit it obedience during the wait. Even in areas that aren’t directly connected. There is benefit in learning to quietly seek God’s hand. To continue asking and knocking with trust, believing that he is working all things together for us. I haven’t seen what I’m looking for yet. Haven’t held what I’m trusting God for. But, I know he hears me. I know he is moving. I know that what I’m obeying by asking for what I need and the desires of my heart.

Questions I like to ask in wait:
What do you want me to do right now?
What do you want me to learn?
Where do you want me to grow?

…. asking questions that will allow the Lord to open my eyes and mind up to what he needs from me is definitely a way to wait well. A way to prepare us for what we’re asking for.
A way to learn more about our Father and his plan for our lives.

But, beyond asking… doing and moving as he leads. Obeying while we wait. Trusting where he is guiding us. Won’t always make sense. May seem harder than what we think we can handle. Or seemingly more inconvenient than what I really want to deal with. Will likely take some bravery and courage, some stepping out on faith, some imagination. and, support.
Discipline. Determination. Commitment. Dependance.

But whatever you need… in whatever capacity you need it… whenever you need it… the Lord will provide it.

…….. Until he moves.

Until then, we wait.

Until then, we trust.

Until then, we obey.

Until then, we serve.

We grow.

We learn.

We lean into his Word.

We pray.

We praise.

We thank.

We enjoy his presence.

We enjoy our family.

We give.

We pray.

We believe his promises.

And, don’t let up until he blesses us.


f i v e

Can y’all believe this?! These people are five years old!

This space was birthed because of them.
(Sort of.)

I started writing in this space in 2011 to keep my family and close friends in the loop of my & then husband’s journey through infertility. With all of the doctor & specialist appointments it was annoying to make all the phone calls and send the texts…… so I started writing.

 Created a blog and titled it something that has colored the last eight years of my life.

GROWTH. Very public, very ‘come alongside me’. Journey though all life’s hard shit with me. I never thought it would become what is has. Ever. Your emails, messages, comments, and support has been NUTS. Because you’ve been going through the same exact things. And, felt alone. Felt afraid. Felt isolated. Confused. All the things that I was feeling, but we got to do it together. It’s been nice.

Three years of writing through the ups and downs of fertility treatments and adoptions.
Three years of sharing the highs, lows, disappointments, fears, & frustrations.
Three years of learning about character of God, how to trust Him.
Three years of fighting through a maturation of my faith I KNOW
wouldn’t have come unless we took the hard, rocky route.

The one that forced you to face God.
And, then…. boom.

At the point I became aware of the unraveling of my marriage, I find out I’m expecting.

More hard and rocky.
Insanely unbelievable hard and rocky.

Timing made no sense.

Then, five years ago, after 9 days in the hospital on bed rest, I woke up to a second consecutive high blood pressure reading at 36 weeks and was prepped to deliver these sweet girls by a c-section.
The last five years haven’t been easy.

But, again …. the Lord is answering prayers still.

He is faithful.
He is love.
He is kindness.
He is mercy.
He is grace.
He is hope and strength.
Full of joy and comfort.

They are and are becoming everything that I have prayed for. They are kind and funny. Smart and helpful. They’re thinkers and compassionate. They love God big and love singing worship songs and praying. They love to read. They’re cuddlers and wonderful big sisters.

Even in the midst of chaos & hardship God is still faithful and good.

Their story, these miracle blessings came at the worst time in my eyes but even still the Lord has been so good. We are not able to control the climate, we can’t control the circumstances. However, we can trust that whatever God allows no matter when he allows it, he will carry us, grace is through it.

There are times I wonder why God allowed such incredible blessings to come in the middle of such drama. Why after all of the craaaaaazy, things couldn’t level out and be fine… because OMG answered prayers! Come on!!! This is glorifying to you, right?!

But, y’all. THIS IS.

And, I mean….. that would have been, too, right? Peace and marital restoration after crazy. For sure. Maybe. Who knows. But what I do know is that this life I’m living right now has put me face to face with God and I love it. I love his Word, I love HIM, I love watching him move in my life and be & so all the things I’m asking & needing him to be & so. Trusting God “though you can’t trace Him” as my Pastor says, is hard but so so so good.

Their life is like a time stamp of sorts. Marking not only evidence of the faithfulness of God, but so much newness. Five plus years of this….. growing and maturing with and because of these incredible little girls.

Five years of watching them seemingly never have enough time to
play and chat and sing together.
Five years of laughing at their silliness and jokes.
Five years of milestones, growth, change, challenges, and learning.
Five years of watching two little people who came at the most
inconvenient time make such a huge impact on so many people.

Two little girls who are evidence of the impossible. Two little girls who have, by their very existence, driven me closer to the Lord and been such catalyst for out-of-comfort-zone living.

I can’t (well, I could but won’t) celebrate them without honoring how gracious God has been. If you don’t truly know, it’s likely hard to understand how intertwined so much of this day, my girls, & their birthday is to completely changing our life and faith in God. The fact that they are here, my pregnancy was as healthy & physically/medically stress free as it was, and we have made it five years is a reminder of what and why I believe what I do and why my faith is as unshakable as it is.

God truly gives us the desires of our hearts.
Truly answers prayers.
Has his hand on our lives as he lifts up our heads, as he covers us with grace.

I was still crying out to God for AN answer when TWO were already growing in my belly.

A celebration of these girls cannot be unattached from worship, separated from the acknowledgment of how faithful God is.

We prayed them here. Praised God when we got that positive pregnancy test. Praised him when they got here and we’re going to do the same exact thing every single year.





We are doing something INSANELY fun over here in prep for some
MAJOR goal smashing and dream chasing in 2020!!!!!

FIRST UP….. a bi-weekly (possibly weekly) newsletter fun of empowerment, encouragement and all things YOU ARE EQUIPPED FOR EVERY GOOD WORK. Over the past maybe eight-ish years, I’ve stepped out in faith in a variety of ways and I’ve learned so much about who God actually is, who I am in him, what that means for me and my future. And, I want to share so much of that with you!

Stepping out in faith is an act of obedience that is separate from our feelings, preferences….. and it may not make sense whatsoever to us at the time! But, it all works out for our good and brings our God so much glory!! And, we can experience some pretty incredible growth and opened doors because of it!

Evidence – this blog. This beautiful space I’ve created of years and years and years worth of learning to trust and believe God and grow my faith. It’s title totally God inspired as when I clicked “publish” on my first blog post, I never, ever expected to go through (grow through) all that I have here AND for it to develop into what it has… to receive the opportunities I have or meet, encourage, and inspire the amazing women and families I’ve had. Never expected my heart to be read across the globe in droves of hundreds a day. Never expected to grow and develop in all the ways I’ve shared so publicly and for each of those seasons of my life to be such a massive blessing to others. It’s been nuts, y’all!! For real.

This newsletter.  A one-pager. encouragement. scripture. quotes. support. all the things that the Lord lays down on my heart to share with y’all. Stemming from the blog, leading to other spaces and.I.am.excited!!! And, simultaneously wanting to poop my pants.

But, here we go!

You’re invited! I’d love to have you along for this ride!
having some tech difficulties…. if you’re in, please
shoot me an email at unashamedgrowth@gmail.com!!!!