they broke another lipstick

Disclaimer: If you’re looking for a warm and fuzzy-my children are perfectly & completely fantastic-I’m absolutely obsessed with them & motherhood post, don’t read any further & close this page out immediately.

Disclaimer: If you looked at my pic & thought “Why didn’t she do her hair?” or any other negative thought at this point, you should prob ‘x’ out, too.

I have quite a few thoughts on single motherhood/parenting that have been rolling around my mind that I’m working on finding the right words & ways to share…… this post is hardly scratching the surface of those thoughts. I’m sure with those expressed thoughts will come plenty of judgment out of true ignorance, but a ton of understanding from those who get it. And are feeling the same things silently & I’ve always wanted women who are in my space circumstances to feel a lot less alone.

So, I wrote about the frustration & thought process behind the (fifth-ish) broken lipstick.

Very few people outside of motherhood truly get motherhood, won’t even go there with understanding single motherhood. The paradoxes, idiosyncrasies of the role, the emotional load, the attention to detail it requires in all areas are often dismissed in a way that can easily make you feel small if you allow it. Many people try to give logical “solutions” to situations that are so much deeper & defy logic, human-ness, or anything that comes behind “why not just……” and obvious “have you tried…..” offers that make you chuckle.

Only a mother understands wanting/needing a break from your kids yet fights off the urge to snuggle & just watch them when someone comes to give us “the minute” we need to hit up the store (Target, Spec’s, wherever your car takes you that day), sit in silence parked in a lot around the corner, or even to your room to _______.

Only a mother would understand allowing tears to roll down your face when your prepping the diaper bag for the next day & notice that the toss in bag you put your things in has been rifled with & one of your favorite lipsticks is now broken. Because that is your favorite thing. It’s yours – even though you share it with your children. It’s something that allows you to be you. It helps to give you a more “put together” appearance, adds a little pop of color, makes you feel a little bit less like you’re just “_____’s mom”.

Because mamas have nothing for ourselves.

Boobs aren’t ours anymore.

Personal space a memory.

Privacy is done. Completely & utterly done.

That water in that bottle & food on your plate is mine if I can reach it.

Peaceful, enjoyable meals are impossible.

Loss is something that comes with the territory, but because it’s loss- it’s not always fun, welcomed, or enjoyed.

We are constantly too busy, pulled in too many directions, mentally/emotionally/physically whooped to even consider ourselves.

I share “it all” & willingly because I enjoy it. At the same time, very little is left for myself so I enjoy the little, easily accessible things ………. so I have lipstick. It’s one of those things I love deeply and “need”. If I’m leaving my house 9/10 I have on lipstick. It smoothes & softens the rough edges of that new mom/mom of many look. Lol. It’s the extra pop. I mean, earrings + lipstick are a must. Right?

You may be thinking, “It’s just lipstick. Get over it.” But, it’s not and I don’t mean that in a spoiled brat kinda way. It’s not JUST lipstick. Nothing is just anything anymore – not when everything that makes you you & that you enjoy is hard to come by, pushed to the back burner, dropped down on the list of priorities, or not often calendared…… because you’re a mama now. Understandable. Logical. Beautiful & at times lonely & painful.

At least for me.

And, still…… It’s not just lipstick.

It’s LIPSTICK.

The thing that my girls use to connect with me. To look like me. To make kissy faces with me. To primp in the mirror with me. To laugh with each other. It’s special. For me. So it’s special to them. (obvs a throw back!)

And, they’re literal pros at applying it.

Their intent isn’t to break it or destroy the things that matter most to me.

Their goal is to copy me. To look like me. To do that thing that connects to one another. So they can run up to me with a smile and kissy face saying “mama! Looook” with a wink.

(another throw back… they did their brows, too!)

Naturally, I’d want to share the things I love sharing with my girls. It almost intensifies my enjoyment. The fact that “my” thing is “our” thing makes my heart so happy. Lol. But the fact that they [unintentionally] break it, chaps my hide.

Kinda like how I love that they come into my bed in the middle of the night and snuggle. I love how you feel safe with me, but I’d really love to sleep comfortably without blocking kicks throughout the night.

Yes it hurts. Yes I’m sad. Yes it suuuuuucks because $$ allocated to replacing something we already had rather than getting something new annoys me and is a waste in my opinion. Don’t like to waste.

It’s perspective, right? Choosing to see multiple sides of a circumstance, the other perspective, giving benefits of the doubt….. and choosing to value an irreplaceable person than a thing.

At the end of the day, it’s just lipstick. So, please, don’t break it.

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Just be….

Okay. So, our newest girl is nearly six whole weeks old!! A formal into & birth story is on its way, but in the meantime…. My favorite place is with them.

My favorite role is their mama.

My favorite faces to put a smile on.

My favorite people to experience new things with.

Watching them grow + being their mama has been an honor & privilege.

A blessed gift.

The best, most humbling compliments are surrounding how well I “mom”, how I seem to enjoy being a mother & with my girls, & how happy + peaceful I look. All of this is so true.(Photo by Rhyann!)

I’m told quite a bit that I make single motherhood look easy. It’s not. It’s lonely, it’s hard, it’s exhausting, & difficult. But, I love it. & thanks to an incredible God, their supportive dads, a solid support system, & a few supplements, I have the energy, emotional/mood balance, & health to enjoy raising these girls on all the days that make me both laugh & cry.

Do I want to be a single mama forever? Heck no, not even a little bit. Not only for my sake, but my girls’ benefit, too. There’s something powerful about having a solid, God fearing, loving & additional male role model not only in their lives, but in their home. An example of how well they should be loved by the way their mama is loved & how they should show respect by how their mama shows respect. How they both honor, serve, & communicate. Prioritize, laugh, play, disagree, forgive, etc. (photo by Logan!)

Until then, I am going to continue learning + practicing serving, loving, engaging, communicating with, & relating to each of the girls as they need. Skills that will help me to be a great mama, friend, sister, daughter, leader, teammate, team partner, ministry partner, etc and eventually a (gulp) wife.

Right now. Today.

I’m honored to “just” be a mama.

(Photo by Rhyann!)

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… the unknown

hey y’all!!

Summer is HERE, and I am SO glad I’ve had the time to spend with the big girls before little sister arrives!! They have grown up so much over the past couple of months and I’m loving it! Lots of new words, phrases, their little conversations are HILARIOUS, and they’re doing much better with recalling their day & experiences! They’re a complete joy!

After this week, they’ll spend the next few with their dad & while I’m going to miss them so much, I’m thankful they get that time with their daddy and I get to bond and adjust to our new little sister! Love how that worked out so well!!! 🙂I have no doubts that these girls are going to be the most incredible helpers & most loving big sisters! They already pretend to get baby sister out of her car seat EVERYtime we get out of the car! I had to remind them “Who gets baby sister out of the car??” Lol. Hopefully they turn on those listening ears as we practice being cautious and careful with her!! They also only call her ‘Baby Sister’, they don’t call her by her name at all. And, if you ask what her name is they’ll say….. Baby Sister!!!! I’ll be 39w on Wednesday and we are trucking right on along!! I feel FANTASTIC…… aside from contractions….. and things are going really well!! I haven’t quite hit 20 lbs gained and baby’s weight is about half of what I gained! So that’s exciting!!! (And, no! I was not going to gain less than 20 lbs!!) yet, I’m healthy! Blood pressure has been fantastic this entire pregnancy, minimal swelling, no poop issues, great digestion….. no puffiness which is my favorite part! This face has remained slim!! My friends hosted two incredible showers for me!! A small Sprinkle for family and close friends and then a diaper + wipe party at school!!! So incredible and super blessed to have received so many wipes, diapers, gift cards, and LOVE for our sweet girl!!! In just a few short days (YES!!!! D A Y S!) this little girl will be here!! I simultaneously cannot wait and could definitely wait another couple of months!! I’m thankful I get to adjust to her one on one while the girls are away and get back in the swing of newborn life, looking forward to seeing her and loving her…….. but, I’m also a bit nervous about how all of this is going to work!! Absolutely, everything will work itself out and we will have a routine that works for all of us. Absolutely, the girls may go through a bit of regression and adjustment when they realize they have to share their mama with another person…… knowing all of that. It’s still the uncertainty of the unknown.

Isn’t that how it works though?? The unknown usually freaks us out so much so that we don’t do anything or we try to control everything. I’ve learned that neither of those approaches work very well and you usually end up isolated and missing out or losing quite a bit!

My goal is to just embrace each and every moment…… to remember that none of it will last forever…. and that the most important thing I can do for all of my girls is to be the example I want and will need for them to follow. Positive. Optimistic. Patient. Enduring. Kind. Gentle. Loving. Understanding.

…. and to be gentle with myself. A new chapter in our journey and it’s going to be incredible!!!

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