… not my circus

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So, I’m clearly obsessed with Pinterest and always find the best of everything on that little site.

The other day I scrolled through and found this Polish proverb that said:
“Not my circus, not my monkey.” which falls perfectly in line with my motto of “mind your business”. It’s loosely translated to mean “not my problem.” These monkeys aren’t mine, this circus isn’t my business – I have no business getting involved.

I thought of how true that is in terms of God being the creator of all & how we like to stick our noses where they don’t belong. This is his world, we’re HIS creations & what he chooses to do with us & our lives really isn’t our business. It’s never our place to question God’s sovereignty or the decisions He makes. He is God. He sees all – from the beginning to the end. He has planned how all of our beginnings will begin and our endings will end; and, has mapped out every detail along the way. We should find comfort in knowing that He has it all laid out and that everything that happens between the start & finish is to our benefit.

Well.
On Monday morning, our girls came into this world tiny and unable to breathe on their own. Their livers/kidneys weren’t functioning as they needed to. They has difficultly regulating their body temps and didn’t weight more than a pound and a half each.
By Monday afternoon, about twelve hours after she was born, C passed from a hemorrhage in her lungs.
The doctors/nurses were a bit more optimistic about H because she moved up from being intubated to using a CPAP. A fancy acronym that means “continuous positive airway pressure” – it was a mask that fit over her nose & mouth. The nurses nicknamed her “Warrior Princess” because she was such a sweet, little fighter. This afternoon, she suffered from a grade 3 brain bleed which is a more severe bleed. She went into surgery to have a shunt put in to stop the bleed & prevent her brain from swelling, but she suffered a stroke during the operation. Her little body couldn’t handle it.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys.
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I’ve got to remind myself that this isn’t my life. I’ve got to remind myself that the people who share this Earth, my space with me – even those I love – aren’t mine. Life is but a vapor & we have to live and love boldly with the goal of honoring God in all that we do.

I believe I honored my girls. I fought for them. I went through so much for them. And, I don’t regret a single second. Because of them, I have learned to truly see another & their life, no matter how different, for what it is. I’ve learned to understand. Randomly, I understand my husband better. I see how much more beautiful relationships with all kinds of people from all kinds of backgrounds can be. I see the benefit of answering the question of “why am I doing ____?” with “… Because I love my God.” (That beauty came from a devo @jaminato blogged about…. Uh-maze.) Every response, every action, every “why” behind the “what” must stem from our desire to honor God in how we relate to each other. That’s all.

Because of my girls, I learned to live that. Not just say it.

Their lives weren’t wasted. Those sweet girls are warm, they aren’t suffering. They aren’t hooked up to monitors and there aren’t tubes everywhere. They are with their Creator.

God was with them from the beginning, and now they’re with Him.

I don’t have a sweet photo of them/us…. I don’t have a clever or witty anything to say……… The photos I do have of them – their sweet little 3D pictures and photos of the days they spent here, I won’t share. They don’t look happy.

God puts us in special places for a reason……. There’s always a purpose. And, lucky them served theirs quickly & are already with Christ.

Ps. 65:11: You crown the year with a bountiful harvest, even the hard pathways overflow with abundance.

I believe that abundance is Christ’s very own peace he offers us, His joy, patience, & perseverance. His mercies and grace.

May our pathways never lack the goodness of The Lord.

…. here’s to our angel babies. My sweet loves. The ones who taught me to begin & end every act with the love of Christ.

I love you girls.

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