… i found happiness 

Some will tell you to aim for joy because happiness depends on what is happening. That you should want to be joyful first, and if you happen to be happy- that’s a bonus. 

They’ll say that in order to be happy, something has to be happening. As if there aren’t people in this world who have a heck of a lot happening but aren’t happy. 

For a good 5 years (maybe?! I quit counting) life was HARD. My response varied between bawling some days and a zombie others, but most days were hemmed together with a The Lord-kept-me kinda grace so I was somehow able to smile (a lot) even though my days were really painful. I’d beg the Lord for peace and joy through sobs and tears and heartache type hard. Hard because my heart was aching and broken for so many reasons…. infertility, failed adoptions, failing/failed marriage……. it was an endless spiraling downward. Too many this-is-not-happening-where-is-the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel situations back to back to back. 

Yet, I got through. I learned to have joy in the middle of chaos. A sliver of hope at first; bursts of sweet moments sprinkled here and there that allow you a bit of calm and genuine enjoyment in spite of what is going on around you. That sprinkle of joy eventually drenched me. There was s peace that allowed me to be fully present instead of in a fog. I fought for that awareness. 

The day I realized I had joy, I praised God & cried. It wasn’t something that had to be begged for anymore. It was just there.

But, is that enough? Should I be satisfied with “joy in spite of” when I believe that Christ came so that I may have abundant life? When I believe that the Lord gives me the desires of my heart and is a GOOD, GOOD father? If  I believe that the Lord made me an overcomer and gives me HIS strength, and has a plan for my life that is for my good and his glory……… should I settle for just joy?

Why shouldn’t I and couldn’t I shoot for happiness, too? UNDERSTANDING that the Lord also said that we were going to have trouble in life, understanding that my happiness isn’t the Lord’s number one priority…………. I’m thankful that the Lord gives me a lot to be happy for. 

Now, I’m in a really incredible spot. A sweet spot. A make-this-last-forever (and ever) spot. The spot where joy met peace then ran into happiness. The trifecta of life. There are moments that make me aware, yet again, of where I am and it makes me happy on top of happy to be in this place at this moment. 

I love where I am, where my kids are, and where we are as a family. They make me happy. Their smiles, singing, laughter, playing, & sleepy faces in the morning make me beam with joy and pride. 

Watching my little sister experience life and accomplish so many amazing things makes me happy!I mean how cute is she?!

Helping others improve their health and live more comfortable, enjoyable lives is fun to me. It fills my cup and makes me happy…. even on the hardest of days. 
I’m not sure if I ever really thought about or planned what life would look like post divorce. A lot more peaceful, yes. A lot less chaos & hurt – yes. But, the leading a household and doing the daily caretaking for the kids part I don’t think I really thought through, but the Lord has been so faithful and so good. 
I can truly say that I am content with life as it is. I am pleased with and grateful for where I am right now.  I am happy, my babies are happy…. Life is good. 

Am I overwhelmed with mom-ing? Yes. Daily. I never get a full 5-6 hours of sleep. My apartment is in a ‘real-life’ state at all times. You’re not welcome unless you’re totally okay and nonjudgmental about toys in every room, laundry on the couch, and Frozen on repeat. That’s just our life right now and I’m okay with it. I enjoy it. I can’t do everything everyday but I can do the important stuff daily. Hear that, mamas. Especially the single parenting ones. You can’t do the job of 2 people in every area every day.  Especially when your babies are young. Do the best you can and leave the rest for tomorrow. I promise  you they won’t need therapy because toys weren’t picked up every night. Everyone survives; I promise. 

If my happiness solely depended on what happening, things would be hard because everything changes. My happiness stands on a joy rooted in my faith. There is always a reason to be happy and joyful; the only thing that will motivate us to search for that joy and happiness is our faith that is overflowing with hope. 

Yes, sometimes things will go very wrong, but I promise that you can and will get through it. There is another side, there is life “after”……… you’ve just got to prepare yourself to endure and rely fully on the Lord. The trifecta will come. 

Matthew 11:28-30 

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

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National Infertility Week!

Today is the last day of #nationalinfertilityawarenessweek and I’ve been absolutely quiet. Life is amazing and busy and I hadn’t stopped long enough to write about this incredible diagnosis. Infertility is hard. It’s kind of a thief. It can easily steal dreams, destroy hope, paralyze happiness, and ruin marriages. It breaks your heart. It shakes your value and places doubt in your heart about who you are and where you fit. It’s lonely and it’s isolating. It’s the enemy to 1 in 8 families. It’s the line the separates us (the broken) from them (the mamas & daddies). It’s the darkness that covers you month after month & the siphon that drains your bank account from medications, procedures, dr appts, and hospital stays.
But, y’all. 

It’s the place I found Jesus. It’s the place I learned to feel and lean in. Where I had to be strong in spite of how very weak and fragile I was. It was where I learned to connect and build with women who were also hurting. Where online communities of women who struggled just got it, welcomed me, stood with me, and prayed for me. It was a hard place. May one day prove to be hard again, but if it weren’t for infertility I wouldn’t have experienced FOR MYSELF a mighty miracle from the Lord. One that I got to personally feel and live out versus watching another person enjoy. I KNOW that the Lord blesses abundantly.

I KNOW he gives us the desires of our hearts.

I KNOW that the Lord is a healer and a way maker. 

I KNOW that he sees me. That he holds me together, that he comforts me, hides and protects me. That he is a deliverer and healer. 

I know it’s not always easy hearing stories like this when you are in the valley. I know that one day it gives hope but on another (the day your cycle comes or you get a negative pregnancy test) that is angers and frustrates. But, know that the Lord’s plan and timing is best. That what he has for you will be specifically planned just for you. That he has a plan for your life full of good gifts. 

The wait is hard. But, wait well. Wait with anticipation, standing on your tip toes with your arms stretched out believing that you will see the goodness of the Lord & receive every good thing he has promised you. 

While you wait, lean into the Lord and pour yourself out for others. When you don’t feel like it. When you’re tired and angry. It seems impossible but you can and will keep going. YOU, who you were before all of the acronyms and dr appts and needle pricks, you’re still under there. Pieces of you have changed. 

You’ve become a bit different but you aren’t lost. You don’t have to lose yourself, your relationships, your marriage, joy, or peace. Be strong. Find a community, pour into & develop your passions. And, wait patiently on the Lord. He will renew your strength, wipe your tears, bottle up your tears, give you a safe place to hide, & love you to wholeness. 

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it’s been a year 

Whoa. Wait. 

I just realized I didn’t update you guys on March……… it was a spectacular month! Sad & hard for me in one way that alllllmost took the wind out of my ‘Oh shi*t did this just happen’ sails! 

For the past two years I have been a Plexus ambassador. I have grown personally so stinking much it’s unreal (just because life & also because this business is amazing) & my passion for helping others become healthier and enjoy lives well by way of financial freedom and enjoying wellness is unshakable. I have an amazing team of women (for now!!) who also have the same passions and are pursuing lives of freedom for themselves. Because of those amazing people, our love for this company & others, & my hard work —– I just got one step closer to creating an even more fulfilling, adventure & experience filled life. I ranked Senior Gold. Which is huge. And, exciting. And, comes with a $23k salary which is nice when you consider I work from my phone and have a blast with my team. I totally cried when my check landed in bank account &  bought my babies 2 new pairs of shoes, a dress, and an outfit. Because I could. It was amazing. Single mamas, it’s totally possible to provide for a children WELL (incredibly well), we can have stress free, more enjoyable dispositions because our minds aren’t bogged down with finances and ‘how am I going to make this work…’ type thoughts. It can be done, because I’m doing it. My heart is for YOU, for mamas like me, who want better and more without having to work 3-4 jobs, have a few minutes for their kids, and still struggle. That’s not living. 

*** hops off soapbox ***

So it’s April and it’s been a whole entire long, and hard yet exciting, fun, and successful year since my divorce. It’s been good. Not always ideal, all things didn’t happen the way I wanted them to, but I’ve enjoyed the ride. 

For full disclosure, I’d never lived alone or been 100% responsible for paying bills and that sort of thing…………… so, I’m adulting on a whole new level. I’ve done pretty stinking well, if I do say so myself. I’m overdue for an oil change and my inspection sticker is out but my bills are paid (thanks, Plexus) and my kids are healthy and happy. So that’s all that matters. Right? So I have two years worth of these super cute pictures that I only have in Chatbooks…… but I think I’m going to print at least one a month (maybe??) on canvas and make a photo wall for their room. I mean…….. look at them? Canvas is necessary. Hold me to it, k?

It’s been a year. A new foundation has been laid. New dreams dreamt. New goals set.  

Moving forward full of hope, great expectations, and overwhelming peace and joy. 

Happy Resurrection Day! 

Oh death where is your sting? Hurt, heartache, defeat, disappointment, failure……. you don’t get to win. I have a hope bigger than you, an incredible future in spite of you. Forgiveness, joy, peace, love, grace, reign here. Why? Because my hope is in my risen savior. The healer of my broken heart, mender of my wounds, my comforter, my protector, my redeemer, my provider, the one who withholds no good thing & promises that all things work together for my good. Life truly is hard. Life hurts. Circumstances sting. People turn against us. However, this life and what it brings doesn’t dictate my joy or peace. 

I am an overcomer. 

I am an incredible. 

I am a child of the King.

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