pride monster

These last 20 days post life with Drew have been interesting. I keep having these little epiphanies and realizations about the cycles of grief I’m going through. Lots of sorting through feelings of anger, gratefulness, hurt, and sadness.

Today, I realized that some of my silence on the issue has a lot to do with pride. Other parts have to do with my desire to respect her birth family and living above the fray. Other parts I’m sure have yet to be dealt with because they haven’t quite surfaced yet.

Have you ever had a war of the wills with someone… maybe yourself? Not wanting to give up any ground in fear of “losing”? Or, being plain stubborn because of all the things that could happen, that person “winning” “won’t” be one of them?

Control and pride. 

I’ve been pulled into that world…. where fear, control, and pride reigned instead of love, peace, and selflessness. And, the freedom that comes with good. The freedom that comes with the truth. The freedom that comes with knowing that change is difficult and accepting that you can’t make another person want to stand in the light that God provides. Freedom of standing in the light that loving others provides.

I’ve have to remind myself that no matter what or how many lies are told about us, no matter who hears or believes the lies, no matter what happens, I know who I am. I know who we are. I know the honest to God truth of what has been told and done to us.
As each day passes, I feel warmth and light more and more. I crave it. I miss it. I’ve had to work really hard to find it some days because I distract myself with so much. I’ve had to force myself to make real efforts to slow, to stop, to engage. To stand in the light.

In this world of adoption, kiddos are reunited with their birth families on a regular basis. Family change their minds constantly. A right they have. A right that I will never protest or balk at. So, I’ll never be angry with the baby’s family for changing their minds.

But, I am floored. I am more than appalled. I am hurt.
I am sad at the how and the results of that.

But, I am moving forward. I am forgiving and gracious; that part of me will never change.
I’m full of peace and joy. I have “things” that can never be taken from me.
It’s been a tough, tough, tough April and May. It has, I’m not going to lie.

But, I’m literally alright. 

 

The words you guys have shared with me over the past couple of weeks, has been life giving. You have poured so much into me that has encouraged me, brought tears to my eyes, made me laugh. Let me know that I’m not alone.

To see and hear what is truly thought of you, the good that is seen in you from the eyes of others is the most humbling and so very beautiful. It’s inspiring. Appreciated. Encouraging.

Thank you one thousand times!!!!!!!
I love you!

Post jam: Gravity ~ John Mayer

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perspective

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We lost this sweet girl today. Adoption proceedings are still on the table, we have another trial in the coming month. But, what’s actually coming next we don’t know.

On one hand,  I’m so disappointed that it happened this way, that such disgusting and terrible lies were told. That there is no regard to the law or truth or speaking the truth under the law. I said before that parents have a right to their children and I meant that, there’s just a right way of going about it. Lies and deception only win for a little while.

On the other hand, I find it truly funny and sad in a very pitiful way. Sad that you don’t believe that you can do the right thing and win. Granted, we did the right thing and didn’t get what we wanted today but I believe that this will work together for my good, that being honest and doing what’s right will benefit me. 

I know that justice isn’t always served in this life. That sometimes we lose the tough battles, that it seems as if our enemies and lies and all that is evil is always winning, but over and over again we are told that we are overcomers and that Jesus wins. Right wins in the end. Consequences of sin are real, God sees it all and deals with it justly at the right time, in the right way.

I’m working my way past the anger and pity and moving towards forgiveness.

I know we’re on the right side. I know the truth. That will never change no matter what is said. I have to have peace in that and let everything else go. Even though we wish, wish, wish that things were made right immediately, God can do much more than I or any court system ever could.

We are neither worried about running from God or covering ourselves and nor do we have to worry about defending our character or our reputations; we run to Him and find peace and joy. We find safety. We find comfort in the unpleasantries of this life.

Greater is He that is within me than he that is of this world……. and, because of the greatness and example of our Christ, we don’t have to go out of our way to fight or make a huge fuss. We are kept and protected. We’re standing in the light! and that light is warm, it’s bright, it holds no secrets and fears nothing.

I miss that sweet girl so much already and I know that we may never see her again, but I am grateful for the love, peace, stability, and Jesus that we were able to provide her with for the time that we were able to spend with her. The prayers that were prayed over her, the people that have and are praying for her.

Yes, I am heart broken but I am at peace. I’ve cried and I know those tears won’t be the last that are shed. Yes, I’m sad and disappointed, but I’ve also laughed because I know that there is more to my story than this. This doesn’t change who I am in Christ, Jesus still lives, I still belong to Him and that is what matters. That can never be taken away and He is the one that gives me strength and a life, not a child.

We will be okay. We will be just fine. We won’t stop trusting God, we will have difficult days and you may see me with teary eyes but our faith is not shaken. It’s like being on a terrifying roller coaster ride or being in great fear of something or someone – you don’t run from the one you know who can protect you, you run towards them. You do all that you can to get to them and you cling to them so tightly with all that you can. God is our refuge and our strength. We will be ok.

And, I totally feel as if I sound like an old church mother waving a little lace hankie….. lol…… But, it is what it is.

“It’s going to be alright.”

Post Jam: Arms that Hold the Universe by 33 Miles (OMG…. have you heard this song?!)

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scraps and finished products

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Oh, it’s almost Wednesday, y’all. When I say I am so ready to get to Saturday, I’m not joking. Not even a little bit.

This week is going to be so big in so many ways. I believe that this day and the ones that follow are preparing me for some pretty interesting waters. And, as much as I enjoy & desire growth, I rarely ever like the process.

One thing I struggle deeply with is my faith, and I think this is the second time I’ve realized why. lol. It’s a tough lesson for me to learn and I know I’ve been at this exact same space before – knowing and understanding this truth – but when the rubber meets the road, I completely blank.

I tend to believe God for things instead of just believing HIM. I had faith that we would get pregnant, that our fertility treatments will be successful, that our (first…. and, second) adoption will go through, or that a situation will end in my favor. So, when these things DON’T happen, I end up frustrated at God. Then, those absolutes and negative thoughts start rolling in:
Good things NEVER happen for me…I should have known that this (failure) would happen… Why did I think this would work out???

All of these thoughts make me feel so horribly about myself, my situation, and frankly about my God. Because again, God…. I’m believing You for things and you aren’t showing up. Great things are happening for others and you have left me on the sidelines. Why should I put so much faith in this when it’s not going to work out anyway?!

Until, I realized that when I believe GOD and trust His will, what happens here on this Earth is secondary. When I believe God to give me good gifts as His child, I know that what hasn’t worked out wasn’t what was best for me at the moment. I know that when I get a door slammed in my face, things are moving slowly, or I’m mistreated, I BELIEVE God when he says that all things work together for good for those who love God & who are called according to His purpose.

WHEN I BELIEVE GOD for His BEST for ME, I am able to accept the ups and downs of life with a broader, more balanced perspective of life. A perspective that grows my faith and doesn’t leave me questioning my Creator.

Tonight, I made little invitation cards for the staff. NOTHING fancy whatsoever. And, I mean that with all of the truth in all the world. lol. As I was cutting the paper, God showed me a pretty amazing lesson.

No one cares about the scraps of paper that have been cut off of this final product.
As fancy as it is NOT, what isn’t needed doesn’t stay.

Just like cutting split ends or damaged hair. Yes, it sucks because we’re attached and our hair seemed longer, but without these dead ends, our hair is able to grow healthier, longer, and it looks ten billion times better! It tangles and sheds less.

The result is all around better because of what was removed. 

I’m considering all the pruning God is doing to my character and person…. Only He knows what the final outcome will be. Only he knows what He has specifically created me to look like. Everything that is cut away and done away with is for my benefit.

It may seem as if I have less “hair” or less “paper”, but the product is much more beneficial.

Believe, beloved. 

Believe that God’s best is waiting for you. Believe God because He is God.
Trust Him and His plans not because we’ve reviwed them and given the blueprint of our life our stamp of approval.
Believe Him because of who he is. HIs character. His promises. His ability & willingness.

God is always good…. even when we’re left out, mistreated, disappointed, and didn’t get what we want. God is working on our behalf. Working in areas we would never imagine to look, working with people we couldn’t network enough to meet.

God is doing good things for us. He is. THAT is what I choose to believe. That God is on my side. That I am His, and He is mine.

So, with that….. no matter what or how much is pruned, no matter how painful the process, no matter what – I believe in my God. Of course, I pray for the things I desire because he tells me to. But, I choose not to focus so much on that THING, that I lose sight of the Provider.

Enter wail emoji…… because the scariest part is that you never, ever know what will be taken away. But, the one thing I do know is that I’m not in a position to dictate what should be kept and what should be tossed aside.

btw, have you ever read God’s response to Job’s (understandable) questioning and depression? Read Job 38 here…. It’ll put so much into perspective! And, if you’re not too convicted keep going… I stopped at 40. I’ll repent and continue to read soon. It just stung too dern much.

.. here’s to trusting God in all things.

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