… a tiny fierceness

My current, most beloved, and longest lasting screen saver to date…….

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I really just realized how small I was. “Just realizing” meaning within the last year or so. After my 13 yr old sister and 11 year old niece continuing to inch past me, centimeter by centimeter. Along with the fact that I’m also the same size as some 2nd & 3rd graders. I literally can’t wrap my head around being the same size as (and, at times smaller than) prepubescent children. I look at them and I don’t see it.

I don’t typically have a “small” attitude/ personality but when I do, it’s an active choice to be more thoughtful of the other person’s feelings and perspectives than my own, slow to speak, and patient. Most days, I consider myself to be a strong person and I work very hard at getting physically stronger, as well as mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

But, there are times I feel small and frail. And, like most people, I typically equate small and frail to defenseless and not very advantageous … Most people step on and over what is small and are quick to try to take advantage of size.

There are the times I have to remind myself that even though I’m small, I’m quite strong and feisty.

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from my infertility is how strong I am and have the potential to be. When I wonder if I am really strong enough to go through more rounds of treatment knowing what I’m getting myself into and what could happen – I know that I can. The only question is whether I want to or not.

I’m grateful for my infertility for many reasons but one is truly for the heartbreaks and soul aches it has caused. Because of it, I’ve learned so much about myself, I’ve realized that I have the potential and ABILITY to do so many different things… And, drives me to do more than I often don’t think I can. And the progress of those pains, efforts, and ultimately successes keep me going.

You learn to manage. And, I’m hoping, that the stronger I get, the less you I myself “managing” and the more I find myself moving on with much more ease and less effort because I’ve gotten stronger. The tough balance for me is between becoming callous and hard towards life and dealing with the emotions and lessons of life as it ebbs and flows with a mature perspective. I like managing because you are dealing with the emotional part but that logical part is there to give “sense” to the situation, it keeps you from jumping off the ledge. And, grows you up.

Obviously, the main thing that keeps me from standing so close to the ledge and gives me the desire to manage so I can go on with life when the craziest of things happen, is the fact that it’s all been planned and laid out for me. And, even when I veer off and cause myself pain, God is still there.

I’m quite sure I’ve posted the one you need video before…. But, I listened to it today and it got to me. I tend to/have to listen to it from a Heavenly Father/daughter perspective…. Listening to it from an Earthy father/daughter perspective kills me simply because I think of Thomas and how he could possibly miss out on such an amazing experience.

I appreciate knowing that no matter the heartaches I go though, no matter how small, fearful, or fearless I think or feel I am or perceived to be – He is there and makes it all better. Even when I’m the one who spilled the milk I’m crying over, He wipes it up with patience, love, and grace. Then, hands me another glass.

… Here’s to a fun sized, small-ish person like myself having everything needed to go through all life with a fierce strength built from managing and dealing with it all…. with a smile. 🙂
Oh! And, to music and quotes. They, too, make my heart beat!

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… sneak peeks

Our weekends have are always busy and full but it’s just something about the tell tale signs of summer that just make life so much more exciting! LOL.

I LOVE the summer time!!!
Ice cream…

Playdates…

Patios…

Weddings….

Neices….

baseball games….

… the best part – NO WORK!!!
…..Late nights, late mornings! Two -a – days at the gym! Trips!! Layouts at the pool!! Books galore!! Lunch dates!! Cupcakes crawls…. the excitement makes me squirm! lol..

…… and, the sneak peeks we’ve gotten recently have just amped me up for the end of May!!! I can hardly focus at work – all I want to do is be outside!

… here’s to blazing through the last SIX weeks of school and coasting into the summer!

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… hosanna in the hightest

I’ve been listening to this song, Hosanna by Hillsong United,  on repeat for days now… almost a week. It’s an amazing song that takes you through the journey of recognizing who God is, accepting and realizing that it’s because of Him that our sins are forgiven, desiring to be apart of the body, and searching for Him as Christians.

The prayer at the end of the song has me in tears because for me it’s been difficult to really SEE all that He’s done for me and blessed me with because of pride and stubbornness, a hard heart. I UNDERSTAND and ACCEPT that He’s forgiven me, that He showers me with grace and mercy, and accepts me completly but I have a hard time allowing that same forgiveness and grace to FREELY and IMMEDIATELY through me to others. It takes a minute. Trusting Him more and more for that.

Here is the prayer:
Take my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you, have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for the Kingdom’s cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity

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My prayer is that God allows me to see Him more and more each day.. continues to open my eyes to what I don’t see and to continue to convict me about my pride so that I am able to see Him more clearly. I no longer want to be so prideful and hard that my own actions don’t cause the pain that in ME that it causes in other people.

I want to love you, like He loves me.

… here’s to growing in the grace, peace, and knowledge of God. And, if I can… toss in wisdom!

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