… preparing for our girl

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Furniture has been selected.
The stroller and car seat have been picked out.
And, our girls wardrobe is growing!! Although, she has not one pair of shoes yet.
I’m not even sure if she’ll wear shoes for a while. These “rules” in addition to my/our preferences will soon be fleshed out!

Adoption reading has been put on pause for Baby Wise, a book that I’ve heard so many great things about! And, so far, I completely understand why!!

I’m loving the preparation process and learning more and more about what we’re comfortable with in terms of how we will raise little H!

This is beautiful.

… Here’s to being humbled and prepared while we wait!

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… movement!

I thank God for our open adoption…. we have an amazing birth mother who is wonderful and open. I literally couldn’t ask for a better birth family than the one we have.

She and I text everyday, we share things, we’re each other’s support, and backbone when dealing with things many others don’t and wouldn’t understand. It’s a balancing act that, so far, we have handled really well.

I love, love, love!!!! this relationship, how close in distance we are, and how soon she created a birth plan because I feel as if I get to experience Holland growing with her.

I woke up to a text this morning that let me know my sweetheart is moving. She’s an early riser and moves, moves, moves. It’s the sweetest thing in the entire world.

There isn’t much about handling H that I’m afraid of. I’m pretty sure I have the holding, changing, diapering, and feeding situation down. I’m afraid I won’t “move” fast enough. I’m worried that I’m still immature in areas that she’ll need me to be wise and full of knowledge about. I’m worried that I’ll won’t walk the beam of disciplinarian and gracious parent well. I’m terrified that my relationship with my daughter (!!!!) won’t grow as she/we grow.

I have a couple of friends with more than amazing relationships with their girls. I mean they are to be envied. I’m thankful that God has placed such women in my life to model after in ways that are foreign to me. And, I’m glad that I’ve formed my own relationships with their daughters to see their perspectives, too. It’s nice and as worried as I am, I’m thrilled! I talked with one of my girlfriends yesterday and she really, really encouraged me in areas that needed… growth. lol.

We’ve begun the hunt of everything Holland…. and, I’m thrilled. Already beginning to establish her style and think about how I want her to “appear” has taken over quite a bit. Things that I thought I would love for her to have are not as adorable or refreshing.

Balance. Balance. Balance.

The word I will repeat and the place I will seek for the rest of my life.

Balance in my marriage, in my person, and my role as a parent. Learning not to put so much pressure on myself to be perfect or too strict or too lax. But, to focus on building relationships with grace, love, patience, tolerance, and kindness. Learning to get to know H and T for who they are today and find the flexibility, patience, and forgiveness to evolve with them as they grow.

Oh, I’m eager to get to this beautiful place…. Thankful God has set me on this path. Thankful that He is given me everything that I’d hoped and longed for.

Keep moving Holland. Continue to grow strong and develop.
I’m doing the same out here, little one. Preparing for you as you prepare for me.

Mama loves you.

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… oh, to be good

I have a crazy strong desire to be good. at everything.

To be good at being who I am in every role God’s given me. And, good in terms of how God is defined as “good” – faithful, just, gracious, loving, etc. Not good in comparison to excellent which to me communicates more of how you do something versus what you are. (Which is a complete other beast because you know I’m a quasi-perfectionist, too!)

The frustration comes in when I rely on myself for that goodness to be displayed. The fact of the matter is, I’m not good. There is nothing naturally good within me. And, I continue, continue, continue to pray to be good but continue to fail. And, I mean fail miserably.

I’m (still) learning that praying for something is different than depending on God for that “thing” to come to life. Especially when it comes to personality character flaws/traits that we would like to improve. It’s so easy to be moved from a “God, please help to be patient today” place to an “Oh… GAWSH!!! I did it again!” place. I’m recognizing that the bridge that connects a desire pleaded for in prayer and that desire coming to life is dependence on God.

INTENTIONAL, MINDFUL “keep your mind stayed on Jesus” kind of dependence upon God.

That perfectionist in me who wants to be right in how I handle things, in what I say, and the decisions I make cause me trouble…. I am my own thorn in the side.

Today, I’m searching my heart for reasons WHY. Why do I want to be so good and great and perfect? Why is that desire so strong that I put unnecessary pressure on myself?

And, I’m encouraging, imploring, and  reminding myself… to trust and depend on God moment by moment. I’m giving myself space and room to err and receiving God’s grace when I do and embracing his love and spirit of  “I’m still here” to keep me depending on Him for each effort and outcome.

This is my Wednesday. These are my goals.

Grace, patience, forgiveness, love.
Love covers all things, all sins, all mistakes, all bad decisions, and nasty behaviors.

Loves covers it, forgiveness wipes it away, grace gives you another chance, and patience keeps you unified in peace.

… here’s to be good. 🙂 name

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