a little reminder for myself

There have been times I’ve stumbled across my own writing or heard a piece of a podcast playback I was a guest on that encourages me. I have literally been encouraged by myself.

Rarely ever do I go back and intentionally re-read things I’ve written or listen to my own podcast episodes, but I wanted to intentionally leave here what I was led to write this morning… I quickly typed it out in the Notes app in my phone, but wanted to post it here so that it’s documented and I can go back to it.

So………. if you need a little encouragement, KEEP READING!!
This is for us.

Nothing will make me cut my eyes faster and hold onto what my girls are waiting for more than a tantrum when I ask them to wait. It is literally the most irritating sight & sound because they’re acting as if I said “No.” As if they aren’t ever going to get it when I’ve literally just said “Wait.”

You know… the screaming “mommy I want _____” and the jumping up and down, what I can only describe as standing + shaking their body, whining, and crying. Literal nails on a chalkboard for me. Or them telling me I’m taking too long. Say WHAT?! I will straight up walk away. And, they’re left throwing a fit that is prolonging them getting what they want.

And while to me, in the physical… while I’m holding material, tangible items watching little people I helped to create are WATCHING ME WORK to get them what they want seems absolutely ABSURD, I know the Lord is likely looking at me with the same words coming out of his mouth. “I am literally working on this right now. Dont you see me ______? So whyyyyyy are you crying?” Or just “I will give it you. Just wait a minute.” or “Why don’t you _____ while I do this??”

The reaction can be annoying, but the truth is: waiting is hard. Asking for what you want and unsure if the answer will be a yes or a no is hard. Desiring something your heart longs for or literally needing something and going day after day not SEEING any movement is hard. It’s scary. A hopeful spirit can become doubtful and weary as time passes.

I believe God knows that. Just like I know it’s hard for my girls to want something and not get it. Just as it’s hard for me to deal with the disappointment and adjustments, the heart healing, and mental/emotional shifts that come with a “no” for me.

I don’t believe we tantrum or struggle with waiting because we don’t believe God is capable or that he doesn’t hear us. I believe the struggle comes with not knowing what we will do if the answer is “No.” It’s a literal faith issue that God will carry us, take care of us, provide for us, & truly give us what is BEST when we can’t see past our own solution.

We want THIS because we, in our mortal minds, believe THIS is the answer that is best for us. THIS job. THIS school. THIS method of medical intervention. THIS man. THIS woman. THIS income level. THIS achievement. THIS. THIS. THIS is what I’ve decided I need and THIS is what I want. Lord, give me THIS.

When God may be saying, “No. THAT is truly what is for your good & my glory.” and “I know you want this, but here is THAT right now” and “THAT is what you need… in a bit.” Or “YES! THIS is for you…… just not right now.” Or “YES! THIS. RIGHT NOW. TODAY. BAM!”

I’ve learned that there are truly levels to trusting God & believing him to be who he says he is and will do what he promised at the right time in ALL circumstances.

You don’t ever know how much ALL is. What it includes. But we know “ALL” is usually a lot. More than a couple. More than a few. It’s a lot. Plenty. Sometimes more than you can carry alone. More than a one trip to the car for ALL the groceries. But we know that he said he would be there, that he would never forsake us. That his grace is sufficient. That he would provide ALL our needs.

Waiting is hard.

But I’d suggest, instead of focusing so much on THIS, THAT, or the OTHER………. focus on God. Watch for his hand, listen for his voice, pay attention to his movement. Wait to see how he unfolds situations, wait to hear what he tells you do, wait to see how he moves things around to work in your favor.

Focus on Him and wait.

Psalm 27: 13
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I will see the
goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes,wait for the Lord.

Psalm 46:1-3 & 10
God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear wen earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!
vs. 10
Be still and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.

There isn’t a time the Lord has left anything incomplete or undone. Even when he was healing the blind man in Bethsaida, he touched him twice. After the first time the man said he could see but the people “….. looked like trees walking around”. He touched him again and his sight was completely restored and he saw clearly. (Mark 8:22-25)

We can trust him.

To do what we ask him to do.

To answer our needs & wants with what is best for us.

At the right time.

Without anything lacking.

Chin up, buttercup.
The battle is not ours, it’s the Lord. We literally do not have to worry about the who, when, where, or how in ANY circumstance. Any meaning – pick one or two or ALL out of the bucket….. NOT ONE OF THEM are for us to figure out, to go through alone, or to worry about winning. We win every time.

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f i v e

Can y’all believe this?! These people are five years old!

This space was birthed because of them.
(Sort of.)

I started writing in this space in 2011 to keep my family and close friends in the loop of my & then husband’s journey through infertility. With all of the doctor & specialist appointments it was annoying to make all the phone calls and send the texts…… so I started writing.

 Created a blog and titled it something that has colored the last eight years of my life.

GROWTH. Very public, very ‘come alongside me’. Journey though all life’s hard shit with me. I never thought it would become what is has. Ever. Your emails, messages, comments, and support has been NUTS. Because you’ve been going through the same exact things. And, felt alone. Felt afraid. Felt isolated. Confused. All the things that I was feeling, but we got to do it together. It’s been nice.

Three years of writing through the ups and downs of fertility treatments and adoptions.
Three years of sharing the highs, lows, disappointments, fears, & frustrations.
Three years of learning about character of God, how to trust Him.
Three years of fighting through a maturation of my faith I KNOW
wouldn’t have come unless we took the hard, rocky route.

The one that forced you to face God.
And, then…. boom.

At the point I became aware of the unraveling of my marriage, I find out I’m expecting.

More hard and rocky.
Insanely unbelievable hard and rocky.

Timing made no sense.

Then, five years ago, after 9 days in the hospital on bed rest, I woke up to a second consecutive high blood pressure reading at 36 weeks and was prepped to deliver these sweet girls by a c-section.
The last five years haven’t been easy.

But, again …. the Lord is answering prayers still.

He is faithful.
He is love.
He is kindness.
He is mercy.
He is grace.
He is hope and strength.
Full of joy and comfort.

They are and are becoming everything that I have prayed for. They are kind and funny. Smart and helpful. They’re thinkers and compassionate. They love God big and love singing worship songs and praying. They love to read. They’re cuddlers and wonderful big sisters.

Even in the midst of chaos & hardship God is still faithful and good.

Their story, these miracle blessings came at the worst time in my eyes but even still the Lord has been so good. We are not able to control the climate, we can’t control the circumstances. However, we can trust that whatever God allows no matter when he allows it, he will carry us, grace is through it.

There are times I wonder why God allowed such incredible blessings to come in the middle of such drama. Why after all of the craaaaaazy, things couldn’t level out and be fine… because OMG answered prayers! Come on!!! This is glorifying to you, right?!

But, y’all. THIS IS.

And, I mean….. that would have been, too, right? Peace and marital restoration after crazy. For sure. Maybe. Who knows. But what I do know is that this life I’m living right now has put me face to face with God and I love it. I love his Word, I love HIM, I love watching him move in my life and be & so all the things I’m asking & needing him to be & so. Trusting God “though you can’t trace Him” as my Pastor says, is hard but so so so good.

Their life is like a time stamp of sorts. Marking not only evidence of the faithfulness of God, but so much newness. Five plus years of this….. growing and maturing with and because of these incredible little girls.

Five years of watching them seemingly never have enough time to
play and chat and sing together.
Five years of laughing at their silliness and jokes.
Five years of milestones, growth, change, challenges, and learning.
Five years of watching two little people who came at the most
inconvenient time make such a huge impact on so many people.

Two little girls who are evidence of the impossible. Two little girls who have, by their very existence, driven me closer to the Lord and been such catalyst for out-of-comfort-zone living.

I can’t (well, I could but won’t) celebrate them without honoring how gracious God has been. If you don’t truly know, it’s likely hard to understand how intertwined so much of this day, my girls, & their birthday is to completely changing our life and faith in God. The fact that they are here, my pregnancy was as healthy & physically/medically stress free as it was, and we have made it five years is a reminder of what and why I believe what I do and why my faith is as unshakable as it is.

God truly gives us the desires of our hearts.
Truly answers prayers.
Has his hand on our lives as he lifts up our heads, as he covers us with grace.

I was still crying out to God for AN answer when TWO were already growing in my belly.

A celebration of these girls cannot be unattached from worship, separated from the acknowledgment of how faithful God is.

We prayed them here. Praised God when we got that positive pregnancy test. Praised him when they got here and we’re going to do the same exact thing every single year.

PUBLICLY UNASHAMED.

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the path we create

If you follow me on Insta (@amayes), you may have seen how I chatted early yesterday morning about a stony path in my stories. You may have seen how I shared in a post about hard things being not so enjoyable but beneficial.

Our perspectives of wanting to avoid “hard” can absolutely deter use from experiencing some really incredible growth, beauty, and tighter relationship with our God. And, I know. I’m sick of hard, y’all. Seriously. If you’ve read along with me and my growing crew since way back before Logan & Rhyann over 5 years ago, you know your girl has been through the wringer. And, I’m well over it. I absolutely am believing the Lord for three very specific, major things and I think that amazing. I’m committed 100% to what I’m trusting the Lord for.

BUT……
Just this morning,
the Lord really convicted my heart about believing so big about those things, that I haven’t truly accepted or settled in where I am, we are now. And, because of that I’m missing a lot. The idea of redemption and restoration has kept me from saying “What do you want me to do right now? In this space? Before I get to the day I see your glory and redemption is evident, and I can see restoration?”

Right now. In this apartment. Re-building a business. Single parenting.
Which then convicted me about the choices I’ve been making. I’ve been living a very temporal mindset. While, YES, redemption is coming…. TODAY, the Lord has something for me to do right where I am.

…on this stony path.
that I’m sick of.
(just being real)

Stony paths or bricked areas aren’t always as immediately beautiful or seen as comfortable desirable as lush, soft green grass. Concrete and rocks are hot in the summer, cold in the winter. Your feet don’t sink into it and Lord help if a baby falls or one of the kids trips & hits the stony, concrete, bricked area! We’re a little more afraid of falls and what we may see or feel when we finally have the courage to stand up after a face plant on brick. Falls in the grass can be a bit more easy peasy. We dust our kids off and send them back to play. A scrape in the grass compares not to a bone and concrete connect, right? All in all, concrete ain’t all that cute. Until it is.

Hard places need a bit of something, something to make them a bit more aesthetically pleasing and  picturesque. All on its own, it’s not very inviting and can be pretty cold.

We may not be able to fully control the path we are on. Sometimes poor choices rooted in difficult circumstances or limited mindsets keep us there and other times we’re led there (the Israelites were led by the Lord into the wilderness… into difficulty). When we are in a stony season, a season it can seem as if there isn’t any way we can grow up. We’re standing on rock (I won’t preach on that today… but, whoa) and generally, we’ve got to have some good, fertile ground to root ourselves in in order to grow.
One thing I know, you can grow anywhere. And, on the flip, remain stagnant and stunted in the most beautiful of spaces.

If you’ve been reading here for a looooong while you may remember this post I shared about the little bricked back yard my ex-husband and I had when we lived in our own townhome community.

Y’all. Click the link and go back to look at that yard. I’m so thankful the Lord brought it back to my memory this morning because it was the perfect picture for the analogy I shared on Insta stories. These are a couple screen shots.

But, y’all. We choose that. We can choose to not tend our mindsets, maintain our focus, prioritize our physical & emotional health, and devote time to our spiritual development. We can choose to stay in a safe, uncomfortable place not doing much to change what we don’t like. We can choose to not dare to do anything different, to avoid the hard things, and limit how we allow the Lord to use us.

Or….

Or, we can be brave and courageous. We can be afraid, but choose to go all in anyway.

Why?

Because our paths matter. Not only for us right now, but to our children, and the kingdom. When you’ve bent your shoulder to hard work for years in the most difficult circumstances and choosing to do it well… people watch. They watch how you work, when you work, who gets the glory from your work, and ow you walk that hard season out. And, it influences. It inspires. It motivates. It encourages. Hard seasons aren’t for you. They’re for your kids- so they can see what it looks like to be committed, to work hard, to swim upstream, and to still praise the Lord. To still serve others. To still work to be patient and kind. To still give. To be bigger than what is so heavy. The work and the reward aren’t for you to bear alone or rejoice in alone. Even in hard seasons, you can choose to bear fruit, to beautify your space, and control what unmanaged and can choke the life out of the potential of everyone involved…… That got serious quick, but have you been in a really hard season? for a really long time? Lol… No games are played and it’s not easy at all. The enemy isn’t playing and he wants us to be too tired, too defeated, too frustrated to stand up and war against him. Too serious? Not ever.

But, we can live well. Even in hard seasons. We can do the hard work with grace. We can do all things, Paul says, through Christ…. and that verse came after him saying he’s learned to live with much and little and be content with through it all. Grace is always sufficient. His strength is always enough.

We can’t avoid the stony path if that’s where the Lord has us. We can choose to create an environment where peace reigns, the love of God is evident, and others are drawn to our God because of how we live and love.

A jungle of a stony path looks and feels like chaos. You get all anxious and stressed looking at it. Don’t you? It just looks like no effort, no goals, no hope. As if the person tending it gave up because it was too hard, or truly had no interest in it in the first place. So thankful our God isn’t like us. He doesn’t quit, doesn’t get overwhelmed, or anxious at the sanctification process. He just keeps molding us ever so patiently and diligently. with an eye for detail and an all encompassing love. That unkept garden is full of potential. What could be never went away, but it can be squandered due to laziness, comfort, and detachment.

Learning to live well in hard seasons is a lot of work. A lot of operating at higher levels and under a lot of stress daily. The stony seasons are full of lessons on plants – how to maintain them and also how to distinguish them from a weed. Must learn about different tools, create some sort of understanding of how how often everything should be watered, pulling weeds, and doing the heavy lifting of maintenance…… when you’d rather be napping or shopping or just relaxing.  The work isn’t always convenient. It is always intentional, but when you’re done… you’re proud and you’ve got something to show for the effort.

What path are you creating? Intentionally or unintentionally.
What are you doing? Intentionally or unintentionally.

Are you expecting things to change but not bending your shoulder to the work? Maybe re-evaluating? Re-aligning? Asking the Lord for a re-vision as I did last month.

The amazing things is: we don’t have to wait. This moment, you can choose to be intentionally begin creating a physical, mental, and emotional space where you and others can thrive. Even in the hard season you can do something new. Right now, make decisions that will benefit you now and in the long run. We don’t have to wait until things get “better”. We don’t have to wait until something changes … the truth is, the change and better we’re hoping for can be behind the hard work we have a tendency to put off.

I don’t know when better is coming. I don’t know when we will see redemption and restoration in its fullness. I do know that the Lord is working things together for my good right now. I know my prayers are heard and answered. I know that I’ve got to trust the Lord and do the things he’s called me to in order to experience all, or as much as he has for me as possible.

That requires courage. It requires leaving behind the mindset of “That’s just not me.” and “I don’t think I can.” If the Lord is bringing you to it and impressing it on your heart, if it will move ya forward….. jump and trust the Lord on the way down. He is faithful.

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