pride monster

These last 20 days post life with Drew have been interesting. I keep having these little epiphanies and realizations about the cycles of grief I’m going through. Lots of sorting through feelings of anger, gratefulness, hurt, and sadness.

Today, I realized that some of my silence on the issue has a lot to do with pride. Other parts have to do with my desire to respect her birth family and living above the fray. Other parts I’m sure have yet to be dealt with because they haven’t quite surfaced yet.

Have you ever had a war of the wills with someone… maybe yourself? Not wanting to give up any ground in fear of “losing”? Or, being plain stubborn because of all the things that could happen, that person “winning” “won’t” be one of them?

Control and pride. 

I’ve been pulled into that world…. where fear, control, and pride reigned instead of love, peace, and selflessness. And, the freedom that comes with good. The freedom that comes with the truth. The freedom that comes with knowing that change is difficult and accepting that you can’t make another person want to stand in the light that God provides. Freedom of standing in the light that loving others provides.

I’ve have to remind myself that no matter what or how many lies are told about us, no matter who hears or believes the lies, no matter what happens, I know who I am. I know who we are. I know the honest to God truth of what has been told and done to us.
As each day passes, I feel warmth and light more and more. I crave it. I miss it. I’ve had to work really hard to find it some days because I distract myself with so much. I’ve had to force myself to make real efforts to slow, to stop, to engage. To stand in the light.

In this world of adoption, kiddos are reunited with their birth families on a regular basis. Family change their minds constantly. A right they have. A right that I will never protest or balk at. So, I’ll never be angry with the baby’s family for changing their minds.

But, I am floored. I am more than appalled. I am hurt.
I am sad at the how and the results of that.

But, I am moving forward. I am forgiving and gracious; that part of me will never change.
I’m full of peace and joy. I have “things” that can never be taken from me.
It’s been a tough, tough, tough April and May. It has, I’m not going to lie.

But, I’m literally alright. 

 

The words you guys have shared with me over the past couple of weeks, has been life giving. You have poured so much into me that has encouraged me, brought tears to my eyes, made me laugh. Let me know that I’m not alone.

To see and hear what is truly thought of you, the good that is seen in you from the eyes of others is the most humbling and so very beautiful. It’s inspiring. Appreciated. Encouraging.

Thank you one thousand times!!!!!!!
I love you!

Post jam: Gravity ~ John Mayer

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perspective

bench

We lost this sweet girl today. Adoption proceedings are still on the table, we have another trial in the coming month. But, what’s actually coming next we don’t know.

On one hand,  I’m so disappointed that it happened this way, that such disgusting and terrible lies were told. That there is no regard to the law or truth or speaking the truth under the law. I said before that parents have a right to their children and I meant that, there’s just a right way of going about it. Lies and deception only win for a little while.

On the other hand, I find it truly funny and sad in a very pitiful way. Sad that you don’t believe that you can do the right thing and win. Granted, we did the right thing and didn’t get what we wanted today but I believe that this will work together for my good, that being honest and doing what’s right will benefit me. 

I know that justice isn’t always served in this life. That sometimes we lose the tough battles, that it seems as if our enemies and lies and all that is evil is always winning, but over and over again we are told that we are overcomers and that Jesus wins. Right wins in the end. Consequences of sin are real, God sees it all and deals with it justly at the right time, in the right way.

I’m working my way past the anger and pity and moving towards forgiveness.

I know we’re on the right side. I know the truth. That will never change no matter what is said. I have to have peace in that and let everything else go. Even though we wish, wish, wish that things were made right immediately, God can do much more than I or any court system ever could.

We are neither worried about running from God or covering ourselves and nor do we have to worry about defending our character or our reputations; we run to Him and find peace and joy. We find safety. We find comfort in the unpleasantries of this life.

Greater is He that is within me than he that is of this world……. and, because of the greatness and example of our Christ, we don’t have to go out of our way to fight or make a huge fuss. We are kept and protected. We’re standing in the light! and that light is warm, it’s bright, it holds no secrets and fears nothing.

I miss that sweet girl so much already and I know that we may never see her again, but I am grateful for the love, peace, stability, and Jesus that we were able to provide her with for the time that we were able to spend with her. The prayers that were prayed over her, the people that have and are praying for her.

Yes, I am heart broken but I am at peace. I’ve cried and I know those tears won’t be the last that are shed. Yes, I’m sad and disappointed, but I’ve also laughed because I know that there is more to my story than this. This doesn’t change who I am in Christ, Jesus still lives, I still belong to Him and that is what matters. That can never be taken away and He is the one that gives me strength and a life, not a child.

We will be okay. We will be just fine. We won’t stop trusting God, we will have difficult days and you may see me with teary eyes but our faith is not shaken. It’s like being on a terrifying roller coaster ride or being in great fear of something or someone – you don’t run from the one you know who can protect you, you run towards them. You do all that you can to get to them and you cling to them so tightly with all that you can. God is our refuge and our strength. We will be ok.

And, I totally feel as if I sound like an old church mother waving a little lace hankie….. lol…… But, it is what it is.

“It’s going to be alright.”

Post Jam: Arms that Hold the Universe by 33 Miles (OMG…. have you heard this song?!)

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… park days

A bit of play time and hanging out at the park tonight…. Nothing major, just the kid, the hubs, and I. 
1c
3I never want to forget how she holds snacks in both hands, how she bounces to music when she sits on her knees, how she claps and “rolls them up” when we sing Patty Cake. I’m waiting for the day she signs “eat” as I’ve been modeling like a maniac for about a week.

2At c4c, a friend of my friend shared a word with me that God laid on her heart for me. It was believe. For the past couple of days, one sweet adoptive mama friend of mine has repeated that word to me over and over again, not even knowing about the c4c experience. I just realized that I struggle with believing. Believing certain things about myself, believing other’s views/feelings towards me, believing that good things will happen.  Praying for belief, for TRUST.

funnyFunniest story, Drew sharing her goldfish with me without quite sharing them. It literally made us laugh out loud which caused her to keep “sharing” which made us laugh harder.

kissesSo thankful for the opportunity to receive goodness from women who truly love God, women who are supportive and kind and true friends. 

Thankful for the opportunity to care for this sweet girl. She’s a pure delight, a bigger blessing than I ever imagined.
I love and am humbled by the mirror placed in front of me when leading and growing this little girl. How I am reminded and encouraged to show patience and grace because God, my father, shows unending and unwavering patience, grace, and forgiveness for me daily. Positions me to be even more thankful to be loved so well when I don’t deserve an ounce of it on my best days by our God.benchBig day tomorrow, court in the morning. Praying that the system will work, that the truth will outweigh the lies, that light will drive out darkness. That I will remain sane and strong. Praying to God to believe all of things things will happen.

blurryThankful for the opportunity to trust God in a new way, to experience his love, comfort, and grace in these very difficult moments.

Thankful for the solidarity of my friends and family, my adoptive mama community. Y’all are more than amazing.

Post jam: so many of y’all said Rend Collective was preeety legit so I’m listening to them now. So far, so good. No favorites yet, but I’m enjoying their music. Lighthouse popped up first, so that’s what’s playing now!

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