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… baldie

After months and months and months of debating on whether or not I should go super low, Corona made me do it.

I was in desperate need of a haircut and I knew that because of the stay-at-home orders in place, I wouldn’t be seeing the inside of a barber shop until early May……. and I just couldn’t wait that long.

Thankfully, the twins’ dad [my ex-husband, for our new friends!] has clippers and agreed to help me shave my head. I did quite a bit of the top and asked him every 3 seconds if he’d given me a plug or why he was going over the same spot and saying “BE CAREFUL!” a hundred times. I had a great time, he said he didn’t…. either way my head was shaved and I’m beyond happy!

I’ve ALWAYS had a toooooon of beautiful, thick, and shiny hair……..

But, I also hid behind it.
It was my security blanket.
What I felt made me pretty…. prettier.
What I felt made me worthy … worthier.
It was thick. Healthy. Dark & shiny.
It grew fast, it was long, & people loved it.

And, now i looooove this bald head!! There’s nothing to hid behind. Nothing to buffer me from anything. Nothing to find security in. And, I’ve never felt more beautiful, brave, strong, & capable.
.
After cutting all of my hair off, a friend said “Is this beauty what’s been hiding behind all of that that hair?” All that could be seen was what was there- distraction free. I’m essentially going bald now and I feel more beautiful now that when I achieved the most perfect twist out.

Kind of like now. We’re stripped from everything and just about everyone that made our lives “our lives”. Everything we depended on. Everything that distracted us. Made us feel loved and accepted. Gave us happiness. And, purpose.
.
And, what are we left with?
Hopefully the realization that what we’ve got is actually pretty stinking amazing. 🖤

Hopefully we get that life is short and fragile and anything can take away the very things & people we love so much.

While I’ve never been one to be good at hiding emotion yet very good at knowing what I want and working for it….. I feel even more confident in living so much more confidently, refusing to hide behind “too cute”, “too _____”, and “not ______ enough” to do anything.

I walked out of my classroom not realizing that I wouldn’t see my students the following Monday. It’s been THREE Monday’s. Life is too short. You never know when the last time is the last time and opportunities don’t run like buses.

We’ve got about 22-23-ish [cant count, don’t judge me] certain days left of this quarantine life and it’s definitely interesting. The girls are having fun with learning, they’re having a great time being home and I’m thankful for me the time with them.

So, so far…… we are doing well. I am cooking just about daily and my tummy area is proof of that! I’m definitely going to work from this point out to eat much better than I have been. Our meals consist of mainly pastas because that’s all the girls want to eat right now. however, next grocery store run, I will for pick up all things required for salads, because I refuse to leave out of this quarantine with as a bad baldie with a belly. 🙂

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