… I used to run

…. like actually run in Nikes but gave that up when I got pregnant with the twins. Then, I thought I’d be that mom jogging the trails in the park pushing my girls in their jogging stroller. I made a lot of excuses and major life stuff stop me from doing that……. plus, two kids + after run tired = nah, sis.

I look up and it’s been YEARS since I’ve laced up tennis shoes and pushed my body & mind past comfort to not only look completely attractive in all my mom bod-ness naked & dressed in purty dresses & jeans in heels and flip flops with a baby on hip & holding little hands, but to also feel capable, empowered, and strong again.

I also ran from my emotions. And, for someone who feels it all and can do a pretty decent job of expressing those feels, I quit. Literally & intentionally stopped feeling. Or tried to. I stuffed my emotions down deep, as well as my face (thank the Lord for Plexus!), on days I did.not.want. to deal with the junk, defend myself, fight for myself, and just needed a break. When life is happening and it’s all on you, time spent (read:wasted) on feelings are a distraction. The days I did spend defending, pushing, fighting, & trying left me … leave me …. exhausted emotionally and physically and I just can’t with too much.

Feelings left me depleted. Distracted. And, unavailable.

But, the Lord has a way of softening your heart with his love and mercies. with his truths and faithfulness. with his forever acceptance of you no matter how you feel, how often or deeply you feel it. No matter how often you bring it up or how many times you cry over the same thing. Or how long that hurt stings. He gets it and does nothing but continue to love on you and bandage those wounds.

…. if you let him.

… what isn’t exposed can’t be healed.

Without healing there can’t be redemption, restoration, or newness.

And, if there’s anything I want more for my girls and myself, is new life. New joys. New peace. New experiences. New growth.

New. Stronger. Wiser. Deeper. And More Strength. Endurance. Hope. Faithfulness.

….. because I want to be that mom who can connect with her kids, who is deeply empathetic, who isn’t operating to check off tasks but who can see and feel what can only be perceived with the heart to do for others what the Lord has done for her.

Love well, deeply, fully, intentionally, & forever.

What a process. So good though. Long but good. Painful but worth it. The things that are clicking now, I’m so grateful for.

Trusting the Lord with my heart in a way I wasn’t even aware I needed to feels good. And, safe. Which is what I aiming for this whole time.

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