…. single motherhood

I posted this photo and a short run down who I am and why I do the things that I do in a Facebook group a couple weeks ago, and I felt even more moved to do and share a bit that has been on my heart lately.  

(And, this is totally not a Valentine’s Day post! Lol.)

Of course with a nudge to be vulnerable, can come thoughts of judgement and “who do you think you are?”, “no one cares”, “they’ve heard enough”, and more. But, I’ve learned to take certain thoughts captive and lay them at the feet of my Heavenly Father believing that what he’s given me is purposeful. I’ve also realized that those questions are almost meant to cause you to second guess yourself, but when you know that you are valuable and were created with intention, you can answer those same questions boldly & empower yourself bh speaking life! Respond with exactly who you are + why your voice, your service, your heart, and perspective are needed………. by someone. Whether everyone agrees or not. There is a reason you endured that season & like Psalm 34:3 says “Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness and exalt his name together.” Sharing reminds you of whose you are and gives you (and others) a reason to worship! So, yes…. your story matters!

But, I wanted to address the struggles of the single mama and let her know that she isn’t alone. 

Now. As a second disclaimer….. I don’t think single moms are any better than married or coupled mamas. We all wipe booties and have kids sitting in our laps while we poop. But, the difference is that we’re loaded with the work of two but with the same 24 hours and in some cases, less “time” to do those jobs………. and, yes, family dynamics vary which affects every mama’s experience, but at the end of the day one is less than two. Whew. That’s done. 

Less discipline. Less support. Less backup. Less help. Less margin in the budget. Fewer experiences. Less downtime. Less tidy-ness.  More guilt. More pressure. Less time. LESS.

And, mama, I know you’re tired. We all are. I literally turned off the lights in the living room and dining area & just came to my room. There’s laundry on the couch, the kids’ puzzles are on the floor, but house will wait. Because, right now, mama needs to rest and that comes first.  Wellness is my number one priority right now. I’ve come to be okay with being tired & wanting to do nothing but crawl into bed at 9:30p and go. to. sleep. It seems like we pride ourselves on being “so busy” and “exhausted”. But, who really benefits that?
And, there are days questions of inadequacy and doubt can be overwhelming; literally second guessing every aspect of my parenting and abilities. Am I disciplining them enough? Can I actually build a successful, sustainable business AND work 40hrs a week AND parent well AND keep my house organized and together? Can I take another hand hitting me on my thigh asking for something for another hour until bedtime?? …… because how can I possibly be doing a good job at this?!

When I first split from my ex husband, I used to stress so much about the house looking so perfect, my kids behaving a certain way, and things looking like I had it together. I wanted to be the divorcee/single mama who bounced back and did it well.  As if we never missed a beat…….. In reality I was sleep deprived, resentful of the things I had to do to take care of my kids, and tried to do it all everyday. That got old so quickly and I’ve learned that it is okay to not always have everything together. I was fighting so many stigmas and perceptions and wanted to beat it. I didn’t want to look like my circumstances. I wanted to …… focus on myself in a selfish way. Everything was about what I wanted and what I needed and how all of these things are keeping me from doing this, and I was blind to the gift I had. 

Having to do it all yourself (most days) sucks. It’s not the plan (I believe) the Lord had for families and there are real consequences for that. No qualms about it, it’s hard. and I wouldn’t say that it’s a “gift” in itself. What comes out of it is the blessing. Which I’ll be writing more and more about in the coming weeks……

But, know……. that if you’re a single mama or in the process of becoming one, and you are struggling with the moment to moment and daily demands of your family, kids, home, and your own wellness know that you can make it. And, learn to enjoy the time you have with your babies and rest the days you don’t. 

It’s not easy, but the Lord is El Roi….. he sees you and has gone before you to work what is, what has been, and what will be for your good and his glory!!

…… he’s even been at the struggle of bedtime and kids getting out of bed 8 times! In those moments he’s offering you the patience and endurance you need to nurture & console your baby + be consistent with putting them back in their own beds. 

He’s offering you the beautiful opportunity to lean into him & trust him. He cares about what concerns you …. which includes ruining them for life after you’ve given up and just allowed them to sleep with you. What I’ve learned and accepted is the fact that I do love much more than I fuss, that I’m patient much more than I lose it, that I love my kids deeply & tell him multiple times a day. Rhyann and Logan are happy…. they are carefree, generous with hugs and kisses, laugh and play loudly everyday, all day and that has to mean something, right?!  

They’re happy and so is their mama. Even with the stress + frustrations of work, having very little downtime, and juggling so many things…….. even though life can be pretty uncomfortable at times, there’s so.much.good happening at the same time. It’s hard not  to be anything but hopeful & grateful, & just pleased. Paul said he knew what it was to live with plenty and to be in need…. he learned to be content in both situations because he can do all things through Christ. 

So that’s pretty much where I am right now. Feeling incredibly well mentally,  emotionally, & physically. I am still taking my plant based supplements which has caused this pregnancy to be completely different than the twins’ pregnancy. Between being regular (praise God!) and not having to deal with constipation and just being uncomfortable, my cravings are controlled, I have sustained energy throughout the day & my body naturally slows & gets tired at about 9p. Lady go round, my feet swelled horribly and after seeing the start of that last week, added another supplement and haven’t had a swollen foot since! These products have been a major difference maker & I’m glad that I’m still able to take them while I’m growing a healthy baby!! Such a gift!

Mama. I’m with you. I get it. And, doing it solo or not….. this parenting gig is hard, but so worth it!!! Do your best and go easy on yourself ……………. the kids will be alright!

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Comments

  1. Single Mama here! I struggle with trying to do everything, and be everyone all the time. I have to tell myself literally sometimes, when I am mad the clothes didn’t get the clothes folded that we have clean clothes to wear, or if I did not get to do that chore I was so set on getting accomplished that day that I have a roof over my head. That our house is full of love. Those dishes in the sink that didn’t get washed, means we have food to eat. To remember the blessings that I DO have, versus what I think that am lacking or not meeting. I did not realize how unrealistic my expectations were of myself and had to remember, if God gives me grace, I can give myself a little too. The things will get done when they get done and I AM doing enough. I love this post! Keep doling out the gems of being intentional and trusting HIM.

    • Girl. YES. YES. YES. I had a similar convo with my brother today – we have such high expectations of ourselves. Period. Especially women like you and I. Accomplishing and getting things done is a BIG deal. I’m getting more comfortable with being OKAY with doing what could be done THAT day. And, learning to balance, learning that self care and rest are more important than not having laundry on the couch. You’re so right about practicing grace giving towards ourselves. It’s good stuff.

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