…. and, another one!

And, yes…..  I’m sure there’s  just one! 

Last year, as 2016 ended and 2017 began, I’d dreamt big and set hard goals. I’d felt very strongly that really great things would happen in the upcoming year and felt even more strongly about the fact that I’d reach my goals as one month faded into the next.  Therefore, I was going to achieve exactly what I’d set out to do. And, many of those goals, I met. 

As summer of 2017 rolled around, I began to dream of how 2018 would be a year of life change. A year of unreal, are-you-serious type of achievements and happenings. One where I could look at know that it was truly divine intervention and the Lord stepping in for me in many, many ways. I mean, so many good things were happening, if I was failing… it was forward and my successes made me so proud. Feelings of eagerness, excitement, anticipation, overwhelm (in good ways and sometimes scary ways) and the desire to work that much harder were a part of my day to day. … and, I was okay with the stress and pressure even though it  as hard and overwhelming because I believed that great things were coming. I knew life was changing as each day passed …… as change may happen suddenly but the work put in for that one second when timing + opportunity + favor all came together in a beautiful moment of manifestion of everything you dreamed and worked so hard for happens. That moment would be worth it all. I could feel everything becoming real coming even if I couldn’t see it at the moment. I believed.  I had faith

……. and, then I found out I was pregnant. At four weeks, I realized that a life change was indeed slated to happen in the coming months, but not one that I expected, planned, was hoping for, or even…………….. wanted. Yup. I did not want this baby. Someone who, at one point in life (a life that seems so far in the distant past), ached for life to grow inside of her didn’t want the life that was currently growing inside of her. Didn’t want the lifestyle change. The girls and I were.. are…. perfectly fine as a trio. Didn’t want the judgments and stereotypes of an unwed pregnant woman. An unwed pregnant Black woman, at that. A growing belly and no ring is hardly cute, right? Didn’t want the responsibility of adding a new person to the mix – a new car, bigger home (or a more “cozy” current one), buying diapers as we’re thiiiiiiis close to getting out of pull ups, etc. etc. and the comments/thoughts of “well if you didn’t want ______, then you should have/shouldn’t have done ______.” Ya know? 😉 This was not my life. Especially after one devasting, “humiliating” life blow…… wasnt really in the mood for another. 

I wasn’t happy, yet rather quite humiliated. There were long moments of pure heeeeeeellllll no’s and ‘I’m not doing this. I CAN’T do this. Let’s not do this.” Researching and talking about options of ……….. termination. Lots of internet scouring and chatting with close friends who’d experienced what I was considering…… because another one? How would I? How could I? …….. manage? Sleep? Rest? Keep my house decently together on a daily basis (since it’s a struggle for me now!)? How much time do I have to make this choice? What would it feel like? What could I expect afterwards? …… What am I doing?!The thoughts of judgment that had came like rushing waters. Criticism. Disdain. Disappointment. Eye rolling. The shame. The self doubt. The guilt. The stereotyping. The statistics. The generalities. The thoughts fueled by fear & concerning myself with the wrong things bogged me down. It was hard. And scary. My belly was growing so quickly (as I learned happens with subsequent pregnancies, especially after a twin pregnancy) and I did all I could to hid it. Many friends I did life with & talked to nearly daily had no clue. No full body pics on social media unless I was in all black or was concealing this bump somehow, because I couldn’t deal. Outwardly, of course… yes. Everything was fine…. it had to be if I were to go through with this, no one needed to know. 

Finally, the decision to allow this growing ball of cells continue to develop was made with uncertainty, but the recognition that I just could. not. in good conscious. Instead, I choose a mindset of positivity and became more and more okay with this chapter of my story. 

We were going to add another to the party. The following four weeks were full of dreaming, purchasing a mini-van (which I adore), experiencing grace and gratitude. Learning to be at peace with what is and committing to enjoy it. I knew that my perspective and thoughts would make or break this incredible experience…. the best part is that they both can be controlled and guided. I can choose my feelings, responses, focuses, and what I allow to penetrate my heart. So, plans to celebrate and honor this life began. 

I’m a lover to gender reveals because they are so stinking fun. Full of hope and anticipation, I felt it was the perfect way to kick off this celebration. And, it neded to be documented so of course a photoshoot was planned. It would be perfect with a big black balloon reveal (you know the ones you pop and the pink/blue confetti falls?)! It was going to be fantastic! Because I knew that it was filled with blue confetti, it would be that much more exciting because a boy was on my mind. The pictures would reveal my pure excitement and thrill of a little boy who would chase his sisters and wear the cutest khaki shorts and polo shirts and a hat……… ah! He would be the perfect addition to toss in with all of these girls! 

Until the balloon popped in the parking lot of Party City at pick up. I bawled at the sight of the pink confetti. So much so that two women stopped to console me. These women congratulated, celebrated, and encouraged this woman-stranger who was a hot mess over a pink confetti and a popped balloon. It was so bad that my beautiful makeup had run and Rhy & Lo were asking “Mama, you okay?” “You crying mama?” Thankfully I was able to fix my make up and calm the girls as they bear forced me to take a picture of the moment. Sweet parking lot stranger-angels. Lol. It’s funny now, devastating then, but the only good in this bad situation is that I was together in time to take pictures with my pink balloon! Thank God I didn’t find out at the shoot! Nothing but grace!! Lol. …….. and, here we are. Joyfully making our way through the second trimester, continuing to believe the Lord for everything I’ve asked for. Believing that he will grant me all that I asked for. Do I still worry about perception, judgement, and feel shame? At times, but not nearly as much. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past few years is that life happens and nothing is certain. Does that excuse sin and bad choices? Never. But, that’s where we experience the patience, grace, and mercy of our God carrying us, giving beauty for ashes, and his comfort. Life happens to everyone… differently…. but to us all. We just have to learn how to hit the curve balls and make the play. All “good decisions” don’t always end up being the best for us and the “worst decisions” can, at times, land us exactly where we need and ultimately enjoying being. Why? Because all things work together for our good. All of the good, the bad, the indifferent. It’s all being pieced and woven together beautifully by an intentional God who loves us and desires to display his faithfulness to us daily. 

The good thing about the black balloon ordeal is that my friend also ordered a pink and blue balloon, so there could still be a reveal even after what seemed to be a catastrophe. And, it worked perfectly. 

So here I am…. soon to be mother of three little girls who will be my joy. It’s been an interesting last few months, an experience that I am so grateful for………. it’s stretched and grown me in ways I hadn’t expected,  but needed. 

•••••••

Mama Bear t-shirt: Loved by Hannah and Eli; Skirt by Asos; Make up by Kristin Coyle; photos by Monica Walker

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Comments

  1. Beautiful!!

  2. I love to read all of your stories. You are a strong woman and God will continue to see you through. Keep your head up and live! So proud of you and all that you do!

  3. Your journey has always been an inspiration to me. Thank you for your transparency.

  4. This is so beautiful!! It made me cry, not tears of sadness, but joy for you and your growing family! God Bless!

  5. I was so happy for you until I read the part about you not wanting it 🙁 BUT I’m still so happy for you! I started following you after you found out about your first pregnancy. People will say and do what they want but thank you for such a vulnerable post. hold your head high beautiful lady!

    • Yes, girl……… it was hard. But, I’m excited about her now!! 🙂 thaaaaank you for your support! I appreciate that so much!! & I will!!! For sure! Have little people watching me!

  6. I love reading your blogs and admire your transparency!!! If I could create sentences half as eloquent as you do girl…. y’all would know ALL my business!! Thank you for letting God use you to inspire so many of us. All things work out!!! To God Be The Glory!!!

    • LMBO!!! Girl you are CRAZY! Lol. Thank you so much!!!! ….. and you’re welcome? lol sounds odd to say, but the polite thing? But, love you and appreciate you so much!!!

  7. Love you Laina!! You continue to inspire me!

  8. I’m so happy for you. And thankful for you. Congrats on the new princess. God has you all the way

    • Thank you!!!! Lol 3 little princesses…… it’s going to be quite the party!!! Can’t wait!!!!! & yes, he does!!!

  9. Precious baby! Congrats!!

  10. I love your transparency!! Congrats on your new blessing!

  11. Regina Williams says:

    What an inspiring testimony! Be blessed on your journey!

  12. Elyse Rouzan says:

    Congratulations

  13. Delphine Sholars says:

    Alaina, every since we’ve become Plexus FB friends, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed and absorbed your craft, WRITING. When one can take you through a range of emotions just by reading words and feel as if they know that person personally, that is AWESOMENESS displayed in your craft. Thank you for your God-given talent AND sharing your gift. God bless you and your sweet family.

  14. Love love love this. Love your story your heart your walk your girls and you!!!

  15. Tears ! Happy Tears!!! Congratulations dear. A toast to you honey. God’s gotcha!!

  16. First of all! Congratulations

    Always remember to give yourself grace and to forgive yourself. I spent a lot of my 1st trimester being upset that I did things out of order and was to be an unwed mother. But based on how well you and your girls do, you will be marvelous as a mother of 3. You were born to be a mother and you are every bit of it. From infertility to being a Mom of 3, God has been amazing to you no matter how crazy the plot twists are. Keep being Magnificent. If you need any encouragement I am here to give it to you!

  17. Beverly D Douglas says:

    You’re such a blessing to us all. Sharing your story, so transparent. Know that there is always a lesson and a blessing in everything we do in life. You’re a super mom and that new baby girl is going to make you so proud! The twins will be a big help to you when baby girl arrives. I enjoy your blog and will be waiting for more baby stories!

  18. Wow! You are courageous. May God Bless your sweet family with peace and joy.

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