Oh, there you are…

For the past maybe…… 24 months, my life has been consumed with two little people who are completely epic. They are amazing and they become more and more lovable with every passing day. I miss them when they’re gone, can’t wait to wake them in the morning, & look forward to all of the new daily somethings.

Motherhood is my jaaaaaaaam. 

But, I’ve hidden behind it, afraid. It’s easily consumed me because I have two small people to keep fed and clean on my own for most day….. there isn’t a whole lot of time to do my own thing. Motherhood and swamped has been an iceberg of an excuse to not ‘have time’ to feel and it’s cost me. Writing has taken a back burner, writing with transparency has almost become a thing of the past… the idea of not writing at all anymore has crossed my mind more than once. Relationships have suffered and my own heart hasn’t been given the opportunity to heal as well it could have by now.

You’ve got to put your oxygen mask on first.

Words of wisdom sent from one of my girlfriends that seems so logical, but can also feel so selfish at times. Yet, to be the mama parent my girls need, I have to be authentically me and whole. We’ve all heard that you can’t pour out of an empty glass – and it makes sense. While I don’t feel that my cup needs to be overflowing and full, it needs to be at a level where there is something to give and some left over for myself. There needs to be time allotted for me to refill my cup, as well. I believe that the levels can vary depending on circumstances and that there are more than a few ways to have your cup refilled. The most important thing for me has been to find different ways to fill myself up and to learn how to operate/love/mother well no matter how much there is to give.

A couple of weeks ago, I scrolled through my social media and calendar to realize that Alaina was not present; she only had a half hour space allotted in my planner, & my phone was pretty much dead. Everything revolved around the girls and having ‘all my ducks in a row’. I literally just saw a meme that pretty much said, ‘My ducks aren’t all in a row but they’re in the same pond’ and for me that’s pretty much the something. A spotless house isn’t happening over here. Toys are everywhere and I kinda like it like that. Now, there’s organization but you can tell children live here and they’re allowed to live in their house………. and, that there mama has plenty other things to do than perfectly put away toys. Away-ish good enough. Perfection has been escorted off of the premises as I’d much rather just be. Life’s junk, my own insecurities/judgments, and a much too large concern over what people think won’t rule my thoughts.

I’ve pulled my head out of the sand and although I’m terrified to feel and deal with emotions I’ve successfully ignored and dodged, for my own healing, it’s got to be done. Part of that healing, for me, is taking time for myself to be Alaina as well as a mother.

Healing is taking place and this season of my life is so good…. it’s been hard for a long time, and single motherhood is not a breeze nor is it glamorous, it’s been such a great experience where I’ve grown a lot personally. I’m thankful. God has definitely been gracious to me and I’m clinging to him….. for peace, comfort, direction, and provision…… of all things.

My girls are only as happy and healthy as I am and there’s nothing that would make me more glad than to see my daughters grow up well loved and guided, courageous, happy & joyful, and strong with a heart for the Lord. While the Lord can and will use others to impact my children’s lives, I’m an enormous and great piece of their lives…….. I want to honor the Lord well in this role and that requires mental and emotional health, them seeing me have and maintain friendships, balance various responsibilities, and taking risks.  Everything we go through in life is a process and I’ve learned that if you’re thankful for the process in the circumstance you’re in, you can be a little bit more patient in it, more respectful of it, and more joyful as you go through it. These girls have got to see a joyful mama who has been through a lot but is still standing with peace in her heart and intact relationships  surrounding and supporting her. I want them to see a happy and joyful mama who does things she enjoys both with them and without them….. it’s good and healthy for us both. It’s struggle but the Lord is good and will show each of us how we should be manage these roles and self care…..every mama is different, each mama needs something different, and her children have varying needs as well. We can’t judge another mama, lest we are in her shoes.

Mamas, how are some of the ways you recharge?

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Comments

  1. Virginia Redwine says:

    Omg!!!!! I just wrote a section in my book about this very thing, “Losing Insert Your Name Here.” I love your blog and your little nuggets!

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