comfortably uncomfortable

Have you ever been so uncomfortable, you were pissed? Itchy? And, so you do that scrunch your face – shaking your head – while rolling your shoulders & neck dance-y thing we sometimes do?? You know what I’m talking about, we all do it.

Right now, I’m that uncomfortable.
That frustrated.

And, when there is incredible, raw honesty about where I am and how I’m feeling it all boils down to pride and not wanting to be dependent, just wanting to be and do on my own and completely separate myself from so much.

I’m upset that I have to depend on God like this.
Upset that I have to struggle (in various ways) like this.
That at almost 33 my life looks like this.

I hate with all the boldness, italics, and underline there could ever be, that I my marriage had to withstand what it did, that it ended the way that it did, and that there has to be this healing of heart and mind and that I have to work through so much crap emotionally. Granted, some of those things needed to be addressed anyway but the fact that I am sitting in this place because of …… selfishness and foolishness irritates me.

It doesn’t seem right.

We can all agree that depending on God is good. It’s good for us and it’s wildly beneficial as the process causes us to mature, develop patience and endurance. It’s also beneficial because he’s the Giver of Good Things, so that can’t ever be bad. We can never go wrong when trusting and waiting on the Lord. But, that doesn’t mean we want to learn how to depend on him for certain things. No one is going to volunteer as tribute to learn how to depend on God when cancer is on the table. Not when your child is seriously hurt. Not when you’re about to lose your home or your job or …. fill in the blank. Boasting about or posting cutesy little graphics about depending on God is great for appearances and easy to do, especially when you’re in a comfortable place. Or haven’t played the game with the other person’s hand. It’s all fun and games until you’ve been handed the short stick.

Depending on God isn’t fun. It isn’t exciting, it isn’t what we race home for, right?

But, it isn’t until we grow in Christ and after we’ve truly experienced some life altering need that we learn how good it is to depend on God.
A God who isn’t ever 15 minutes early.
It’s like you’re biting your nails and watching the clock type arrival.
… But, he always shows up
“at just the right time”.

He shows up for those who are desperate enough, crazy enough, willing enough to be
outwardly desperate for him.
To do things like shout out to him in a multitude of people….
when you’re enduring some hardship and seen as unimportant and dispensible.
(Do you know how loud and persistent you have to be in order to be
heard over a crowd of people?? Who are following a celebrity??)

To experience getting stepped on, cursed at, and pushed around because they have enough faith to believe that if they just touch him…. because talking to him is great, but touching his coat will do, too.
(Do y’all have those people in your life where just being in their presence
makes everything okay?? When a reassuring smile or just a hug makes a world of difference?
Kinda like that but immensely better because it’s Jesus.)
One more sidebar: The Bible says the woman with the issue of blood met Jesus as a multitude of people surrounded him. She didn’t just waltz up to him and touch his coat.
The hem of his garmet. The bottom of his coat.
She had to be crawling, right?
I’m curious about how heavy her flow was…. how uncomfortable and stained she may be been.
Pretty embarrassing.
How many times was she stepped on?
How many times was she cursed out for “skipping” or
pushed back because she was trying to get ahead when others had gotten there first?
My point…. she had to work hard and endure much to get to him.

Now, Jesus shows up for everyone else to but he’s near to these kinda folk.
Those of us who have no other way out but through him.
Those of us who have been through hell and back.
He binds our wounds and gives us beauty for our ashes.

He comes through.
We may have to wait and endure some unfortunate & uncomfortable things
(Lazarus was literally dead) …
but because we believe that God is trustworthy and dependable,
we know that whatever comes from the purposed and intentional (at times shitty) situation
God has planned for us to walk through,
is for our good and his glory.

God is glorified in our struggles.
He isn’t going to do anything that will do anything but cause him to receive glory.
We win in the end.
Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a year, but if we keep trusting and believing God,
honoring him and remaining faithful……..
He will come for us.

Y’all, if I know anything, it’s unreliable.
And, that’s probably why I have such a gigantic issue with waiting on people.
I’ve allow fallible people to impact how much I trust my perfect God.
As if they’re the same.
As if they both treat me, see me, value me in the same ways.

In the beautiful way that the Lord always does, he gently comes along side of me and talks me through my issue. He points me back to our history and his track record. He comes in and asks me why don’t I want to depend on him like this……. The only answer I have is because it’s uncomfortable. It’s difficult. Because I’ve already bent enough, hurt enough, been disappointed & frustrated for long enough.

I’m weary.
Thankfully, he knew how this world & it’s sin would weigh on us.
And, made a plan.
“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak”
Isaiah 40:29

And, that’s when he reminds me that he gives me rest, a place to hide, and offers me his peace.
Reminds me that he has measured the waters, measured the heavens, and knows the weight of the Earth.
That he is with me, rejoices over me with singing, and gives me good gifts.

That he can be trusted.

And, the wait is never in vain.

Tough situations will forever be hard; they don’t get any easier,
and because life is unpredictable & has it’s ups and downs….

We have to trust someone greater than ourselves to get us through,
to give us a joy & peace, the ability to thrive has that can’t be effected by what’s happening around us.
What’s inside of us has to be greater, stronger, more persistent, & has to believe for something more.

This world isn’t supposed to our Heaven, it isn’t supposed to be where we’re comfortable.
Yes, the Lord will give us exceedingly & abundantly more than we could ask, imagine, or think.
Yes, the Lord wants the best for us.
I don’t believe he wants us to be miserable, unsuccessful, or live a defeated life.
What I do believe is that he wants us to trust him through those times of difficulty and hardship.

Because we sometimes we have to endure some pure shit.
But, part of being dependent upon God is learning to be grateful and thankful through all of the crap, too.thankful




  1. April Davison says:

    Alana, I ran across your page over a year ago and drew so much comfort from your fertility struggle and how God blessed you with the desires of your heart in those beautiful babies. You see, my husband and I are currently walking our own difficult path of infertility.

    I’ve continued to follow you and see the road you are currently traveling. I’ve walked in my own story of going through an unwanted divorce due to infidelity and now I have what I call my God sent husband.

    There were days, weeks, months and years that pain was so unbearable, I didn’t know how I would make it but I did and came out much stronger and so will you.

    Though I may not know you personally, please know you have a social media friend praying for you.

  2. Alaina,

    Thank you for this. This post was full of rich truth, reminding me of God’s amazing love for us, and his desire to lead us and carry us through the good and the bad. My heart goes out to you….I’ve been to hell and back these past four years, and had it not been for God, I wouldn’t be where I am today. You’re going through really hard stuff, and yet, you’re faithful to point your readers to God; I know that’s so honoring to Him. I’m praying for you.

  3. Shammyhamie says:

    This was good to hear. Thank you.

  4. Your words are so raw, and true. I identify. You inspire me. Searching and continuing to seek God through life’s struggles.

  5. This!
    Thank you for sharing. Open raw honest sharing. I can completely relate to this and I pray that God continues to birth in you His plans and His… Everything!

  6. I feel your hurt and I too am going through. It feels like a pain I’ve tried so hard to shake. I keep asking God where are you. I know his hands are still there. Shhhh in the quietness He will find me. But, oh Lord where is the quietness. Where is the peace He promised.

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