welcoming fall + embracing change

campshoot4Lately, things have been what I’ll call “emotionally trying” and while my desire to keep my space authentic and real, I’ve had a really tough time with being open about the struggles in my marriage. Add in juggling kids, work (and all the extra that comes with it), and working to build business,  I don’t have much time or energy left at the end of the day.

But, a camping trip with a couple of my friends and their families was interestingly timed. I almost backed out as I thought this family camping trip would be really awkward for my family given our state. Although I knew it would be fun, I struggled with going. I’m sure a lot of it had to do with my deep urge to isolate and be alone when I’m emotionally overstimulated and when I’m in process overload and just want to decompress alone.shoot5

But, I’m so grateful I decided to go. The girls had an amazing time; they played, Logan ate a little dirt, they slept in a tent, Rhyann threw massive tantrums (which she didn’t do before and hadn’t done since camping! lol), hung outside in their pack and play, and just hung out. I had an opportunity to really spend some time with a couple of girlfriends – one who I’d met pre-Plexus and the other I’d met through Plexus – and it was so refreshing. It was nice to share life in the peace of nature. There’s a peace to the “woods” (i.e. camping site) that is just calming. The weather was beautiful and we had such a great time. I’ve been saying over the past couple of months that saying ‘yes’ to a scary, new thing. Sometimes a “yes” + an eye roll to things we aren’t necessarily totally thrilled about can really lead to some really amazing people and experiences. Plexus is one of those things and this camping trip was another. Incredibly excited one day, annoyed the next. But, as soon as we settled in, I knew it was going to be such a sweet trip. It was definitely one of the best decisions I’ve made all year. It was “real life” camping complete with fires, s’mores, cold morning and nights, beautiful sunrises and sunsets, talking around the fire bundled up…….. it was so good. I’m thankful we had the opportunity to experience it with such great friends!

campshoot2
Blurry, but still so sweet photograph (compliments of my very amateur skills) of my little bears.
No fear about the girls sitting in the (slow) street; there was a  State Trooper who was behind me while I was shooting the girls. campsiteOur “section” of the site… We were with a group of about 50! 

 Although, it was the last family event/trip as an intact family, it was a good trip. Sad, but I do believe it’s for the best at this point. I’m thankful that we both get it. We both understand the situation and how things came to be. No one is blindsided; while there isn’t total agreement on how things ought to shake out, there is understanding. And, that, for me is important. I’ve said before here, how we friend better than we husband and wife. So far, things have been good and easy given the circumstances. After a year plus of choices that weren’t in favor or the best interest of our family or marriage, dishonesty, and cheating & affair. What made/makes it so hard and difficult is knowing that so many other things & people were chosen over me/us (the girls and I then our marriage) in such blatant and intentional ways. It adds a deep and lasting sting to the truth. But, in addition to some really poor responses combined with lots of grace/forgiveness/opportunities  mixed with multiple efforts to help straighten somethings out, I felt it was time to part ways. I don’t know how things will shake out in the future; I’m not focused on that. So, questions about “what if” aren’t on my radar and my answer will be “I’m not thinking about that right now”. My thoughts and efforts are geared toward being the best momma and Alaina I can be. Towards bettering myself and building my businesses and raising my girls. I want to have the best relationship with their dad as I possibly can for my daughters. No matter what happens, I want them to see unity (for their sakes), grace, friendship, and kindness. They don’t deserve to be surrounded with chaos, bad mouthing, and anger. campsite2I’d say we’ve done a pretty decent job, given the fresh wound, of managing, adjusting, and responding to life as it is now. I have this picture in my mind of what the new dynamic could look like. How we could sort of mesh our individual lives and still raise our daughters as one unit. Not sure how that works or how it can work…. I just believe that we can make it work us. And, no, I have no idea what the holidays are going to look like, we aren’t there yet. One day at a time. It’s been a really rough couple of years and in the midst of figuring life out, we’re both need to heal in so many ways.. worrying about what’s going to happen over the next couple of months isn’t on today’s agenda.

There is a peace and calmness now…. I do very much feel that I’ve made the right decision. The fact that our family is broken. The fact that we’re a statistic in more than one way…. the fact that this “wasn’t supposed to happen” is hard. The fact that we weren’t able to pull it together and come out holding hands with a sense of pride and beaming smile that said “We beat the odds” hurts. The questions that will likely go unanswered because I’ve said all that I will pretty much say in this post, the chatter, the looks, the disappointments and assumptions are hard. Will be hard for a long time.

There are a few songs that I belt out and raise praisy hands to when I hear them on the radio, songs that I’ve downloaded to my iPhone that speak truth and give comfort. Because, this is hard. In life, we have lots of W’s and we have lots of Loses…. if there is one tally mark in either column, marriage is supposed to be that one tally mark in the W column. Fortunately/unfortunately, I know a lot of single moms my age who are rocking it. I mean, are raising their kids with integrity, lots of Jesus, and who are kind and manner able, obedient, and who are enjoying life as a true child….. So, I know it’s possible & I know I can do it. I know we can raise these babies well, even if requires a bit of creativity.

End ramble. Here are the songs.
Colton Dixon- Through All of It
Finding Favor – Cast My Cares
Blanca – Greater is He {my favorite!!}

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Comments

  1. I have a feeling that you are not the kind of person who would enjoy a pity party which “I am sorry your family us going through this” can sound like. So I will offer a cyber hug to you, thank you for being so down to earth and as honest as you can be about your personal life and journey with us strangers who are some of your readers. I will also pray for your family right now and the next phase of your life that God uplift you all and the babies every step of the way no matter where tomorrow leads. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

  2. Sheridan Johnson says:

    You are already an amazing mom and juggling so much, that I know that you can do this. I just wish I could give you a hug right now and will settle for a *virtual hug*. I am so sorry that you are so young and having to experience this, but I know that with you giving your everything up to God and letting Him take control, that this is what was best for you right now. You never know what your future holds, only He does. Thank you for being so raw and sharing such an intimate part of your life with everyone.

  3. I am sorry from a mother to another mother that you are having to deal with this. I have toddler twins and a pre schooler and i know how much is required. You are strong, very able, and capable of raising thise beauties in which God would be pleased. Keep your head up through it all…and always know that He is God.

  4. HeartGrownbabylove says:

    I have stood where you stand, lived out many of the same life choices, spoken the exact words that you speak. While I will not offer answers or solutions, because ‘one-day’ at a time, I will say it took many days, mountains of grace, unending self-reflection, and a WHOLE LOT of Jesus but my once husband, turned ex-husband, and now reunified husband and I are only where we are now because we made the decision you are making. We respected one another and loved our girls enough to make some hard decisions. Know you and your family remain in my prayers, that whatever or however your story plays out that it be to the benefit of your daughters and glory of His kingdom. Love you friend.

  5. I so wish that you weren’t having to go through this, yet, at the same time, I know that your heart and focus are on the right things–Jesus, your girls–and because of that, I believe that you are going to come through this a much stronger woman of God. I will be praying for you and for the days ahead, knowing that He who began a good work in you, will complete it. **hugs**

  6. Lindsy Wallace says:

    Praying for you friend! I too wish I lived closer to give you a hug and lend a hand with those sweet girls!

  7. Delilah Grant says:

    It takes courage to atand by your family in the midst of turbukence. Be strong and know that while you dont know where this will go –He does! I have been there and can produly say that by sheer grace, I stand today!
    Sending you courage and strength and love from NYC.

  8. The serenity prayer comes to mind when I read this. Stay strong Mom we are here to encourage you. I too am a single Mom and it is not as bad as it seems. There is beauty in every circumstance that we endure and I am certain this is apart of your testimony for some young woman like myself to be encouraged. I am praying for you an your family. I also pray for peace and acceptance. You can handle this Sis.

  9. This sucks… #iGotNothing

    …I got one thing #God it isnt over….call us if you want an ear…dont choose alone

  10. Damn. That’s all I can say. I desire to say something comforting but I can’t find the words. I will be praying for you.

    • Like the saying goes, the only thing constant in life is change. Whether it’s good or bad embracing it will make the transition a little less difficult. I will be praying for you as you embrace this change.

  11. cassiepoohellis0 says:

    Oh! Jesus Christ of Nazareth is a restorer of broken lives, no situation is above our God. I pray for you and trust God to see you through. Love them snugzy bears lots be encouraged God will not give you more than you can bare.

  12. No words, but praying.

  13. From someone whose heart you bless, all the way at the bottom of the Caribbean in Trinidad..I am praying for you. You are such an inspiration Alaina, courageous and transparent. Be wrapped up in love and healing.

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