conscious gratitude

So, I literally don’t have the words to describe my feelings when I’m confronted with this:

IMG_5915.JPG{iPhone photo: Christin Armstrong}
…. and, again, let’s note the “chub”. My girls no longer have loose skin but cheeks and mini-rolls.
Progress, people, sweet progress. 

Disclaimer: I’m a mess and controllably uncontrollably crying so please forgive the mushy, overly emotional ramblings, k? Yes, it’s a real thing. It’s how you cry when you don’t want to freak anyone out but you can’t not cry. See? It’s a thing and you’ve done it before.

My friend Christin came over and captured my sweet ones today for a newborn sesh and we spent most of the session fawning over the girls. Lots of “where’s your phone?!”, “hurry… I gotta get this shot.”, “they peed…”, “ooooh, look!”, and shushing babies happened. And, my heart melted.

I feel that the girls have had a few “defining” moments since they were born…. Moments when I saw them in a new light, moments where my perspectives about them changed and I saw them differently. I think it happens a lot when you’re in love. You’re constantly and arbitrarily taken by what you see.

The first moment was when they were born. My gosh, I saw them above the curtain when my doctor held them high so that I could see them & when they were brought over to me. Their little swollen, peach colored faces were amazing to see. I could hardly breathe.
The second was the first time I saw them in the NICU & held them. So tiny with loose arm skin kept warm in their little incubators.

Then the third, today. This photoshoot.
All “dolled up” in a bow & wrapped in fabric. Or, just lounging diaperless (legs crossed!) on some fabric donning only a headband. They were beautiful and I truly saw it. I saw the greatest blessings.

You would think that everyday I wake up completely overwhelmed at the thought and sight of my girls. But, I don’t. Am I over the moon with them – of course but the novelty of them has kinda worn off. Between poopy diapers, exhaustion, 16 feedings a day, endless consoling of two babies, and life the magic of my girls can be overshadowed by realities and caring for them. I felt that my feelings equated to ungratefulness.

But, today!!! I remembered what it was like to fall in love all over again in a millisecond of a moment. To be so enthralled and taken that you can do nothing but smile and laugh and (for me) cry. And, stare. Lots of staring happened today.

Sometimes I feel that my heart hasn’t quite wrapped itself around what has happened. I hadn’t quite allowed myself to truly fall and believe and accept that this life, these girls, being a mama was real. It’s crazy because I mean, they’re mine but to wholeheartedly  get it with your heart hadn’t happened, you know? You’re stuck and that confusion that happens when you have something so very incredibly amazing you have no idea how you got it, what you did to deserve it, and you’re freaked out because it’s so special you’re terrified and when the thought of losing it sets in and you can do nothing but write run-on sentences and ramble.

My girls will be a whole entire month on Sunday and I’m completely just in love with the reality, idea, and scent (yes, their tasty baby scent) of my girls. Just the fact that my heart finally gets it is even sweeter. I knew that I’d become numb in a lot of ways over the last few years and got very used to the deep lows after great highs. For my sanity, emotionally distancing myself was the best way to go.  After so long, it was very difficult for me to warm up to and embrace any good thing and I felt so guilty and horrible as a new mom loving my girls but not fully allowing myself to love with all of my heart or with any real depth. But, now, sweet Jesus……. I’m so grateful. Not only for them but for the softening of my heart which I’ve been praying for and for the deepest love I feel for them.

Now, scroll back up and swoon over those baby rolls and teensy fingers, k?!

Post Jam: I Can’t Help Falling in Love with You, Ingrid Michaelson
I was reminded of this song by my friend’s Insta and can’t get this version out of my mind! Fits my feelings perfectly, yea? 🙂

 

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