pregnancy for the infertile

Hey, y’all!
First, I want to do everything that I can to let you know that I have HEARD you, okay?! I have read every single one of your comments, texts, emails,  posts……….. the amount of love that was shown to us over the past couple of days has been nothing short of remarkable and very much appreciated! I can’t say thank you enough for your kind words and prayers! besitos, guys!!

I said that I would break up the happenings of the last couple of weeks into a few posts. I have so many thoughts and feelings that are being sorted through. It really is difficult to get them down, one, then to cohesively put it all in a reader friendly post would be nearly impossible.

So, here we go.

Pregnancy for the infertile.
I need to say that I have no idea how this happened. Logistically, yes. lol. But, HOW……. I have no idea. If you read my 3-year- celebratory post you understand how slight the chances were of us getting pregnant on our own. Add to that we weren’t even trying. I mean, we quit trying years ago. And, by trying I mean fertility treatments, ovulation kits, temperature measurements – the whole nine. We were DONE! 

Getting pregnant was the furthest thing from my mind.

About a year or so ago, I came to terms with the “fact” that pregnancy probably wasn’t in the cards for me. I’d convinced myself pretty thoroughly that I didn’t want to get pregnant. It was probably more of a defense mechanism but the decision was very real for me. I decided that I didn’t want to experience pregnancy; I didn’t have to in order to fulfill my desires to become a mama. There were too many un-fun things about it, and the amazing parts of the experience were pushed from my mind or overshadowed by the parts that make you squirm & very comfortable. I made the negative parts of pregnancy outweigh the spectacular.

So, fast forward to our plans to adopt…. we lost the twins we planned to adopt in January, we lost Drew at the very end of April. We decided to enjoy our summer and begin fertility treatments again in August. I had it all planned out. I was going to start acupuncture therapy this summer and have a a wonderful time.

Let’s all laugh.

If one thing has been clear, it’s that my plans do not work out. They really don’t and I’m beginning to really enjoy the ride when dealing with things that are out of my control.

So, I find out I’m pregnant.
To be very honest my first emotions then, separately, my longest lingering emotions were not overwhelming joy. I was shocked. Literally shocked and a bit confused. (Although I only took one test. lol). I told T and my family who were excited but I literally took the news as if I was told it was my turn to order at Chick-fil-a. My responses initially were very mechanical. There were moments in between telling my family where I literally laid on the floor and cried or cried while telling the news because I logically understood what amazing thing had taken place……. but, I had a hard time wrapping my heart around it.

Understand that this is on the heels of so. much. loss. and heartbreak and betrayal and just utter life shifting events. The past few years have been a roller coaster ride of very high ups followed by, at times, paralyzing lows. Bad news always followed good news. Every time. Nothing good lasts long in my experience.

It was as if I couldn’t allow myself to feel how amazing this was.

So, now, two weeks into knowing….. I’m logically and emotionally adjusting to the changes my body is already going through & the idea that there is a very little someone with a beating heart and the beginnings of eyes, ears, and budding limbs growing inside of me. That blows my mind. I find myself becoming more emotional about what has happened, about the fact that God has blessed me in an amazing, undeserved, very miraculous way. THAT brings tears to my eyes. THAT humbles me. The fact that God has been so good and faithful in such a huge, long awaited way stirs my soul.

I feel very responsible in an humbling fashion; not in a way that frustrates or stresses me out. It’s not a responsibility that’s heavy. It’s a responsibility that has really helped my mental shift from the infertile lady who won’t doesn’t want to get pregnant to the infertile lady who is pregnant. I honestly struggled a lot mentally during the first week. I wasn’t prepared in the least bit to sacrifice and let go of what I had/have to at all. I believe it takes a lot of mental preparation and real, consistent selflessness to grow a life in a healthy way. Not being prepared, not choosing to prepare, or expecting the possibility of pregnancy can be hard.. and dangerous.

I am quickly coming out of the fog. This little bun seems so unreal. Very much like an idea, a fantasy. A dream. I’m almost waiting to wake up from it all. I’m working through my fears of miscarrying or something being wrong, continuously praying for my little bun and settling in the peace Jesus has offered.

While I’m not thrilled about passing on mimosas at brunch or whiskey sours at dinner, I am thoroughly enjoying the guiltless freedom that comes with not being able to button my pants. It’s wonderful. One of my friends has said that she already sees my belly changing. Seems a bit early but I’m just glad that my body is responding as it should. Knowing the little bloat/fluff isn’t extra cupcakes or junk food is probably making the change a lot easier to accept! lol.

I am very grateful and my excitement is growing…. everyday with this little muffin is an amazing one.

Housing a little someone is a privilege not afforded to everyone and I was once a part of that group…… I didn’t have to be blessed in this way or allowed to experience such a miracle. For that, I will forever be thankful.

This infertile’s heart is used to let downs and disappointments….. but, remember how my “word” has been believe? This post reminded me of what it means to trust & believe God in times that would otherwise devastate your heart. I’m working hard to do just that. Believe Jesus for the life of my baby. Believe Jesus for long lasting good. For a healthy, full term pregnancy. A beautiful, uneventful 7 and a half more more months and beyond.

Thank you again for loving me. For hearing my heart and being understanding of this journey and the heart effects it’s had on me. It hasn’t been easy, but the sun is definitely out from behind the clouds. Your prayers and support have been amazing.

… here’s to the grace & love God covers us with when we are scared, living with fractured hearts, and longing to trust Him with everything we have.

Post Jam: Here by Kari Jobe

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Comments

  1. Katawna says:

    Truly God is amazing. Congrats!!! This is truly amazing and has made my day and the day after that and after that. I was a miracle baby as my mother had a lot of scare tissue and one working Fallopian tube. With Gor truly ALL things are possible. Congrats to your husband and you!!

  2. Shanika Henderson says:

    All I can do is smile and cry. I am reminded daily of the GOD grace.

  3. Alaina, so many of your thoughts and feelings have been mine as well during my pregnancy so far. My initial reaction was shock, then the feeling of this being surreal (which I still feel a lot) and then lots and lots of gratefulness that God chose ME to carry a life. I will say that each day you will feel something different emotionally and that’s o.k. As I’m in month 4, I feel the love developing/deepening for this child and it’s slowly replacing that fear and anxiety of becoming a parent. It really is an amazing experience…and it’s just the beginning!! God is incredible and I’m truly touched by His sweetness towards your family. Enjoy!! 🙂

  4. This is amazing! I’m so glad that I’ve stayed tuned in to your blog all these years. My prayers and congrats to you and your DH! Enjoy your pregnancy! My family and i are extra excited about this new journey for you.

  5. Roshanda says:

    Congratulations Alaina! I pray your pregnancy is complete and without complications! God is so awesome! He Does hear our prayers! 🙂

  6. So I randomly stumbled across your Instagram which led to your blog. What an amazing, transparent testimony you have! So thankful to have been led here by God because my husband and I have been struggling with infertility for about a little less then 2 years but God has been pressing on my heart that that baby is coming soon and it won’t be one but two! And He just brought confirmation through your story. Thank you for your boldness in sharing and would like to hear more! congratulations on your twins!!! God is good!

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