pride monster

These last 20 days post life with Drew have been interesting. I keep having these little epiphanies and realizations about the cycles of grief I’m going through. Lots of sorting through feelings of anger, gratefulness, hurt, and sadness.

Today, I realized that some of my silence on the issue has a lot to do with pride. Other parts have to do with my desire to respect her birth family and living above the fray. Other parts I’m sure have yet to be dealt with because they haven’t quite surfaced yet.

Have you ever had a war of the wills with someone… maybe yourself? Not wanting to give up any ground in fear of “losing”? Or, being plain stubborn because of all the things that could happen, that person “winning” “won’t” be one of them?

Control and pride. 

I’ve been pulled into that world…. where fear, control, and pride reigned instead of love, peace, and selflessness. And, the freedom that comes with good. The freedom that comes with the truth. The freedom that comes with knowing that change is difficult and accepting that you can’t make another person want to stand in the light that God provides. Freedom of standing in the light that loving others provides.

I’ve have to remind myself that no matter what or how many lies are told about us, no matter who hears or believes the lies, no matter what happens, I know who I am. I know who we are. I know the honest to God truth of what has been told and done to us.
As each day passes, I feel warmth and light more and more. I crave it. I miss it. I’ve had to work really hard to find it some days because I distract myself with so much. I’ve had to force myself to make real efforts to slow, to stop, to engage. To stand in the light.

In this world of adoption, kiddos are reunited with their birth families on a regular basis. Family change their minds constantly. A right they have. A right that I will never protest or balk at. So, I’ll never be angry with the baby’s family for changing their minds.

But, I am floored. I am more than appalled. I am hurt.
I am sad at the how and the results of that.

But, I am moving forward. I am forgiving and gracious; that part of me will never change.
I’m full of peace and joy. I have “things” that can never be taken from me.
It’s been a tough, tough, tough April and May. It has, I’m not going to lie.

But, I’m literally alright. 

 

The words you guys have shared with me over the past couple of weeks, has been life giving. You have poured so much into me that has encouraged me, brought tears to my eyes, made me laugh. Let me know that I’m not alone.

To see and hear what is truly thought of you, the good that is seen in you from the eyes of others is the most humbling and so very beautiful. It’s inspiring. Appreciated. Encouraging.

Thank you one thousand times!!!!!!!
I love you!

Post jam: Gravity ~ John Mayer

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Comments

  1. love you sweet friend – keep standing in the light and choosing that joy that ONLY comes from god!

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