… a wreck of perfection

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(If you haven’t noticed by my Instagram, I’m still not quite over my birthday pictures. Blame my photographer, she made some major things happen that day!)

So this road through adoption has been an incredibly life changing, perspective shifting, and soul wrenching  experience. It’s been amazing in many ways and in others it really makes you feel as if you life is coming apart at the seams.

Those who really know me, know that I struggle deeply with perfection. I mean, it’s a deep, deep, deep inner struggle that has cost of many opportunities, possibly friendships, and has made me my own worst enemy simply because I’d never felt as if I measured up or was good enough.

I’ve seen how perfectionism effected other areas of my life and I was frustrated with how I wasn’t quite  understanding how to not allow myself to be guided by perfection all the way right. (Ironic much??) So, this issue has already been quite heavy on my heart.

What does that have to do with adoption? Ehhh…. just about everything.

At every point in our journey, we have had to fight. Literally, go back and forth…. struggle…. pour our hearts out…. convince…. wait…. give perspective…. wait….. push through this or that…. make decisions about a life/lives that you didn’t think you would have to. Makes you wonder if you’re strong enough for it and if you’re quite cut out for the life. It’s not easy.

And, I question my every decision. Wanting to make the PERFECT one. Wanting to make sure we made no mistakes, because who can handle a mistake when you’re dealing with a little life? There can be none.

So, last night. I gave it all up. I saw how dark and disgusting the pressure to be perfect was and really put what it was doing to my mindset into perspective. If I wasn’t so exhausted I would have done more than type out this list in my Notes on my phone, but hey…… who’s judging?

Here it is…

Nobody wants perfect; they want something real to hold on to. To trust. To depend on. To grow with. And, to battle beside.

Perfect is unremarkable. It’s unrelatable. It’s judgmental and cruel. It leaves no room for error or grace. None for growth.

Perfect is lonely. Its’ sad. Void of depth and empthy.

Perfection is demanding. Relentless. Intolerable. It’s doesn’t get along with anyone and turns its nose up at everyone who doesn’t appear to be as perfect as they are.

Perfect is terrified. Always scratching and clamoring to remain as such. It’s insecure. Impatient and cruel to itself.  Beating itself up because it’s not at all what it portrays itself to be.

Perfect isn’t perfect. It knows it but hates for you to.  Doesn’t want you privy to that secret… the secrets of incessant thoughts or the fear that controls the madness. BeFunky_Chromatic_8.jpg

When every aspect of who you are, your thoughts on just about every aspect of life and raising a child are called into question – perfection taps you on your shoulder. Every answer given will either help or hurt you. Everything you say will either be in your favor or will cause a birth family to move to the next adoptive family. So, the pressure is on.

Fortunately, the lesson is that no one wants perfect. People want real. People want to know that even though you “wear the white hat” (greatly anticipating Scandal, sorry!!) – you need love and hugs, too. They need to know that you crave what they crave (maybe in different doses) but that we’re all in need of something and could really use the support of each other. That we’re in this thing together.

After I got that off of my chest, I was literally able to sleep. I’m not perfect, my marriage, family,  and friendships aren’t perfect either. But, I will say that I put my best foot forward and will fight for what I believe in, what I love, and for what’s good.

I’m not perfect, but I’m doing my absolute best with what I have.

I’m not trying to be the perfect wife, or the perfect parent…. Just the best wife and parent I can be and the one my family needs me to be. Those around me are my measuring tools; they let me know how well doing at being a good towards them. Not the media, nor the “perfect” pictures on IG, not these amazing bloggers I follow.
BeFunky_DSC_9380.jpgJesus – character is my goal and the realness of and amount of love shown in my relationships will determine how close I am to exuding Him. Why struggle with earthly perfection when I’m being sanctified on Earth and will be made perfect in Heaven? I think it’s best that I let Jesus do what he’s good at doing (making folks like him) and I just need to worry about keeping my focus on living my life boldly and insanely loud for Him.

No perfectionism, no Bible beating… just loving and becoming more like Christ.

And….er, this may or may not be the last time you see pictures from this shoot! 😛

Are you interested in being the parent a kiddo needs?? Not a perfect idea of a parent but a real, genuine life changing person who can really impact someone’s life? Go here learn how to become a child’s glimmer of hope!

…. here’s to letting it go and … for good!

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Comments

  1. Such strength, praying, hoping, pondering…for your family.

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