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… not my circus


So, I’m clearly obsessed with Pinterest and always find the best of everything on that little site.

The other day I scrolled through and found this Polish proverb that said:
“Not my circus, not my monkey.” which falls perfectly in line with my motto of “mind your business”. It’s loosely translated to mean “not my problem.” These monkeys aren’t mine, this circus isn’t my business – I have no business getting involved.

I thought of how true that is in terms of God being the creator of all & how we like to stick our noses where they don’t belong. This is his world, we’re HIS creations & what he chooses to do with us & our lives really isn’t our business. It’s never our place to question God’s sovereignty or the decisions He makes. He is God. He sees all – from the beginning to the end. He has planned how all of our beginnings will begin and our endings will end; and, has mapped out every detail along the way. We should find comfort in knowing that He has it all laid out and that everything that happens between the start & finish is to our benefit.

On Monday morning, our girls came into this world tiny and unable to breathe on their own. Their livers/kidneys weren’t functioning as they needed to. They has difficultly regulating their body temps and didn’t weight more than a pound and a half each.
By Monday afternoon, about twelve hours after she was born, C passed from a hemorrhage in her lungs.
The doctors/nurses were a bit more optimistic about H because she moved up from being intubated to using a CPAP. A fancy acronym that means “continuous positive airway pressure” – it was a mask that fit over her nose & mouth. The nurses nicknamed her “Warrior Princess” because she was such a sweet, little fighter. This afternoon, she suffered from a grade 3 brain bleed which is a more severe bleed. She went into surgery to have a shunt put in to stop the bleed & prevent her brain from swelling, but she suffered a stroke during the operation. Her little body couldn’t handle it.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

I’ve got to remind myself that this isn’t my life. I’ve got to remind myself that the people who share this Earth, my space with me – even those I love – aren’t mine. Life is but a vapor & we have to live and love boldly with the goal of honoring God in all that we do.

I believe I honored my girls. I fought for them. I went through so much for them. And, I don’t regret a single second. Because of them, I have learned to truly see another & their life, no matter how different, for what it is. I’ve learned to understand. Randomly, I understand my husband better. I see how much more beautiful relationships with all kinds of people from all kinds of backgrounds can be. I see the benefit of answering the question of “why am I doing ____?” with “… Because I love my God.” (That beauty came from a devo @jaminato blogged about…. Uh-maze.) Every response, every action, every “why” behind the “what” must stem from our desire to honor God in how we relate to each other. That’s all.

Because of my girls, I learned to live that. Not just say it.

Their lives weren’t wasted. Those sweet girls are warm, they aren’t suffering. They aren’t hooked up to monitors and there aren’t tubes everywhere. They are with their Creator.

God was with them from the beginning, and now they’re with Him.

I don’t have a sweet photo of them/us…. I don’t have a clever or witty anything to say……… The photos I do have of them – their sweet little 3D pictures and photos of the days they spent here, I won’t share. They don’t look happy.

God puts us in special places for a reason……. There’s always a purpose. And, lucky them served theirs quickly & are already with Christ.

Ps. 65:11: You crown the year with a bountiful harvest, even the hard pathways overflow with abundance.

I believe that abundance is Christ’s very own peace he offers us, His joy, patience, & perseverance. His mercies and grace.

May our pathways never lack the goodness of The Lord.

…. here’s to our angel babies. My sweet loves. The ones who taught me to begin & end every act with the love of Christ.

I love you girls.



  1. Beautifully said .. I am praying for you

  2. my heart aches for you, Alaina, and i don’t even know what else to say through my tears. your heart is right where it needs to be. praying fervently for you and TC.

  3. Your strength is beautiful and inspirational.

  4. You my dear are a warrior! God sees and He knows. We love you and TC. Our prayers are with you and the birth mommy.

  5. I’m so sorry for your loss sweet Alaina. My heart and prayers go out to you and your husband during this difficult time. As you said in your blog everything happens for a reason. The right time will come when God will bless you two with the most beautiful and amazing baby. You are a strong woman. Hugssss to you darling.

  6. Alaina,

    I am so saddened to hear about the twins. I don’t know what God has in store for your life but I know the journey he’s taking you through is not in vain! I pray that God sends Angels around you and TC to continue to guide you and I pray that he puts peace in your hearts. Remember to lean not to your own understanding. For God is the pilot of this plane called life and we are just here for the ride.

    Sending warm hugs your way,

  7. You are in my prayers…LOVE your pure heart. I pray that God double every blessing and provision in your life; as your life will be a testimony of his miraculous abundance. I believe that he is turning every situation that tried to harm you into a benefit. Blessings to you and your husband 🙂

  8. ramier mcintyre says

    Sorry for your loss. Make sure you take time to yourself and grieve. Praying for you and yours

  9. Ifollow you on insta and I can’t believe this. SO heartbreaking! sweet babies. I’m sorry abt what you’re going through. I am surprised how hardly any if any people have mentioned these babies mom, the woman who carried them, delivered them.

    Her babies died.

    That’s heartbreaking. I really hate to sound rude when this is such a horrible thing. But as I read I just feel heavier and heavier. These were not “your” babies yet. It is so strange reading it as if they were. I’m sorry, it is still heartbreaking for you too. I can’t imagine how she would feel reading all the comments here and on insta. Saying sorry for your loss? It was her loss. You lost this dream, yes. So sorry to all involved in whichever way.

    • It is heartbreaking for everyone involved.

      Many people have mentioned her in their comments to me via text, FB, & IG.

      She lost her babies. Absolutely. But, we did, as well.

      We both lost dreams. All of us are hurting. In different ways, but over the same losses.

      I understand your perspective.

    • I believe you have the best intent, but your words do hurt.

      Those girls passed with our names.
      They were ours. And, hers. They would have always been “our” babies.

      I have no benefit in claiming something that wasn’t true.

      I do appreciate your perspective. Questions before accusations may not offend as much. 🙂

  10. I am so sorry Alaina, I am thanking our Father in advance for your strentgh to endure this hard time. I will keep you and your hubby in my prayers.

  11. Berenice Villalobos says

    My heart goes out to you… I understood and felt every word you said and it’s true these angels come into our life to teach us a lesson that no one else can. Only GOD finishes what he starts. It took me three long agonizing years to realize that after my son passed away. You are very strong and very wise and GOD must have something special for you!

  12. I’m so sorry about the babies, everything happens for a reason and God is in control. It was all apart of His plans. You have such a beautiful spirit and continue to believe and learn life’s lesson as you travel this road we call life. You have 2 beautiful angels watching over you and guiding you! I will keep you and your family in my prayers during this time.

  13. So very sorry, Alaina. Praying for you and everyone involved. May the God of all comfort and grace grant you peace and joy even in the midst of these darkest moments. Much love and prayers. x


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