… sarah or hannah

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There were plenty of women in the Bible who, for a time,were unable to bear children, seven if my count is correct.

And, all of them eventually ended up bearing great men who contributed greatly in the history of our faith.

I went back to read about these women because I’ve been feeling some kind of way about our predicament. Wondering if I’m acting more like Sarah versus Hannah.

For the record, for whatever reasons, I am completely over bearing my own kids. Random. The backwards thought is that I would completely love to see who Thomas and I would create. I’d like to see a few of our creations and what they would be like, but I’m truly at peace with not having my own kids.

God has absolutely created this passion within me for adopting and orphans and there are times I wish God would bless me as He did Pharoh’s daughter (who is not one of the seven). Can a little one just be dropped in my lap?
Right now, I’m completely obsessed with fostering, but we’re still connected to our adoption agency. Annnnnd, I don’t know, WE don’t know, what to do.

I’m thankful for a husband who tries his hardest to understand me and cover me with grace as I am trying to lead my broken heart where God is pulling me… I pray for his leadership daily – I know how hard making such final & life altering decisions like this can be and for it to rest on his shoulders has to be so difficult. Especially when he sees me struggling regularly. Having to balance and choose wise decision making for your family & doing what you can to ease your wife’s pain can’t be easy. So, I work really hard to be strong and give him space to think and pray.

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I like to go, go, go!! But, I’m learning to “go slow”. That’s my new phrase. Go slow. Go slow and pray for guidance. This is a huge life altering decision for three groups of people – is it right? I’m big on just doing it, Nike & I think along the same lines. But, I’m also recognizing the detriment of creating a situation that could not be the Lord’s will. So, we wait. We pray. And, when Thomas says “Let’s go.” we will go in whatever direction he leads us in. (Husbands have it rough, y’all! Lets squeeze them extra tight for doing their best in leading our families well!)

I’m trying to find comfort, wisdom, & a path to follow in the lives of the six obedient women. What I can see is that while they waited, they prayed pretty hard. They cried just as hard.

I’m wondering where they were emotionally and spiritually weeks before they found out they were expecting. What did they do? I’m wondering where Hannah was… Pray and praying, committing this child she was crying out for to God if He’s only let it be. I’m guessing she’d be the mama in wait who served, read her Bible, & worshipped while Sarah, completely heartbroken & frustrated, threw her Bible across the room and gave up. Can you see them? How very different they behaved in their desperation?

Have we been Sarah? Completely & understandably worn down? Haven’t we stormed off to “do it ourselves”? I know I often regret my actions post the mini tantrum. Words spoken in hurt & anger than can’t be taken back and actions that are difficult to forgive. If we learn anything from her, it’s the beauty behind patience, endurance, wisdom, & common sense.

I love Hannah’s heart. I love how she clung to the Word & God’s promises. I admire her strength and dignity. I love how she kept her promise to give her son back to the one he truly belonged to. What an humble woman with a servant’s heart. I’m sure she cried but she was hopeful and faithful in her pain. What an example.

I’m hoping that I’ll continue to pray and cry out to God, that I stay at his feet. I’m at the place where I desire God’s direction and his shaping of me & my life more than the things I want. I’ve never been here before. It’s scary yet safe and calm. I’m not pulling away or seeking Him because I know He’s the end to desires.

I think that’s a good place. Learning to love and seek God because of who he is. His glory above my desires and my comfort.

Thank you all for supporting Thomas and I, for praying with and for us, and sharing in our struggles. It is so appreciated!!

… here’s to patiently praying and enduring these long months and years. Hope it’s over soon.

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Comments

  1. Kassandra says:

    This is so beautifully honest and thoughtful. LOVE this so much!!!

  2. Alaina, you’re blog is so sweet and inspiring. I am praying for you, calling you and Thomas by name. I’ve been reading a book titled “God’s Plan for Pregnancy” by Nerida Walker. This book has blessed me so much I had to share it with you. While it’s premise is pregnancy it can be directed towards any area of your life so it’s a really good read for anyone seeking God for anything. God is faithful and His Word will stand every time. Be blessed.

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Trackbacks

  1. […] an amazing God. A God who has taken our grief and given us an amazing blessing. I feel like as if Hannah may have felt this same […]

  2. […] thankful. Thankful for these girls whose lives I will forever be stilled by. I mean, I wrote back here about how Sarah and Hannah responded so differently to infertility….. I read my words, my […]

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