… walk along side me

The most exciting parts of any journey or process are the progressions and stages. These milestones let you know that you are growing, achieving, and forging ahead to something greater. And, I love them.

I’m a very structured, goal oriented kinda gal. Seeing progress and being able to check off items on a To Do List, any sort checklist makes me so happy. I love the sense of accomplishment it brings and the feeling of “DONE!” that floods over me when I’ve checked the very last item off of the list. My little inner cheerleader encourages me and constantly chants “Almost got that one! Yes! We did it!! .. ok. Next item. Let’s go! Come on! Almost finished….” until we can say ……

“I AM DONE.”

So, when it comes to this Home Study check list our agency has given us, I am excited to cross of items that don’t apply to us, I’ve numerically prioritized each item, and made notes for Thomas in the spaces available. Oh yes. Heaven.
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{{And, don’t fret over the unchecked boxes, especially the ones labeled “1”…. your partially organized, slightly OCD bud over here has yet to find the perfect (read efficient and cute!!) organizational tool that is compact and easy to tote around yet large enough to hold THREE pages worth of documentation. ***insert smile***}}

I mentioned in my video that we have an Adoption Coordinator who serves as a liaison between ourselves and our agency and eventually our birth mother! But, for right now, the most exciting part of having an AC is that we get to apply for loans! YAY!

… except for the tiny fact that for most of the grant programs I’ve come across requires a completed Home Study. Booo..

I’m literally sitting on the couch searching researching grant programs and I am near tears for reasons that are completely illogical and even difficult for me to put into words. So I just quit and prayed. And, realized that I’m trying to hurry and rush through a process who’s timing is out of my control anyway.
Each grant has a deadline, some are quickly approaching some are further away… some grants only award twice a year… they all have their own requirements and ways of doing things — which has nothing to do with me. My ability to focus and tick boxes of compelted items has NOTHING to do with it.

None of this has anything to do with me. A realization that literally allowed me to breath a deep sigh of relief.

I am so grateful for the realized freedom in being the child of a God who walks ahead of me, beside me, and who’s grace and mercy follow me.

I do not want to rush through this process. I don’t want to grow weary, stress out, or become so overwhelmed that I’m unable to ENJOY the time that Thomas and I are in and this amazing journey we are walking through together.

What this doesn’t mean is that I’m going to give the go-ahead to TOTALLY relax and drag our feet because “we have time”. I totally believe that we serve a God of excellence and He expects that from us in everything that we do…. within reason while covered in grace! lol. No extremism here (for the most part)! lol.

This newfound freedom and refusal to be bogged down and stressed out by things that are out of my control, has freed up a lot of energy to do other things like focus on pictures and autobiographical statements!!!! lol. There’s a lot more fun where that came from!  I am somewhat (read compeltely) overwhelmed by the 50 CURRENT, NON-PHONE pictures we have to submit of ourselves <together and separate>, our hobbies, home, and community.
*** I’m kinda complaining but not really…. it’s like complaining about having to go from one wedding gown shop to the other looking for the perfect dress. It’s time consuming and you don’t know the perfect dress just yet but the process is exciting because of what it means…. all this stuff means we’re getting a baby, y’all!! 🙂 ***

But, anywho…
Guess I’m back to packing my camera around because we absolutely have NO pictures of any of that at all within the time frame required. lol.

And, getting down to the items that we can accomplish right now.

I’m so grateful. So grateful for this experience. It has taught me so much about myself and my God. It’s strengthened my relationship with God and has completely brought me to a place of totally dependence, love, adoration, and gratitude for my God and the relationship He allows me to have with Him. It is humbling. The fact that He walks with us through all that we endure in this life… comforting and maturing us so that we can be more like Him. Teaching us that He is our focus and living in such a way that everything we do is an act of worship meant to glorify Him. THAT is our goal. When I cry out for the windows of heaven to open and pour blessings down upon me, it’s not a bigger house, a more perfect husband, a nicer car, a larger bank account, or cushy job that I’m seeking…. It’s more of  Him. More fruits of His Spirit that I’m longing for. I’m desiring for my heart to be more like His. My eyes to see what He sees, HOW He sees it.  Those are the blessings I want. I crave.

Yes, I want to live comfortably but not at the cost of those around me suffering or struggling. Not at the cost of being so consumed with myself, things, and comfort that I’m unaware of those around me.

I’d love to stay in this place forever just because of the benefit it has been to my husband and I, but I’m so ready for the good God has for us.

He’s walking beside me. He’s always with me. He sees my hard work, tears, dark moments, and He knows that as dirty and filty as my heart is, I am truly seeking and longing to be more like Him. All of this is happening exactly the way He has planned for me, my husband, and our children to come. It’s going to be perfect. And, not in the “nothing is perfect” kinda way but in the God is PERFECT kinda way that He has planned for it to be.

He makes no mistakes perfect. He sees all and knows all perfect. He is perfect perfect.

… here’s to praising, growing in, worshipping, trusting, and loving a perfect God.

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