… ups and downs

Ugh…. so this is what you adoptive mama’s were talking about when you referred to the rollercoaster of adoption.

Although, we are no newbies to baby disappointments and the “downs” of trying, bad/sad/uncertain news still brings you to your knees each and every time.

I knew that adopting was not an easy task, I knew that it could be disappointing, that you could get thisclose only to have to start again. You are excited because you start to feel as if you are going to be a mama, too….  Until, you’re not. And, this post about the chateau explains these feelings of i-keep-trying-but-it-just-won’t-happen perfectly.

We could be back to starting line, but we do have new options and we know a little bit more going into the next phase of our journey to our babes.

I’ve done my crying, threw a semi-pity party, and felt guilty about the fact that one of the reasons I was so upset was because I felt as if “God was finally being good to me” as if He wasn’t good before. <Still makes me cringe. How self involved.>

I know that it wasn’t that “it was too good to be true” or that I am forsaken….. God’s plan for my family and I wasn’t the first option. And, that’s okay. Even if it doesn’t feel like it’s okay, even if I’m disappointed, even if things don’t seem to be panning out quite how we thought – everything will be okay. It will.

It’s a process. Complete with ups and downs. Struggles and victories.

Even though I hate that I blew the lid off for personal reasons, I know that because I’ve made this journey quite public, I didn’t want to keep information that could ultimately glorify God the most. Along with help others going through the same issue.

It happens. And, there’s nothing to protect you from it.

…. here’s to starting anew. remaining faithful. trusting God. and, trying again.




  1. I hear you!!! I can relate all too well!!! Before we adopted our son, we lost several babies to failed adoptions – birthmothers changed their minds. It is so hard!! I don’t know your full story but for me, failed adoptions were so painful because I lost babies that even though I never got to meet or hold them in my arms, my love for each of them filled my heart . . . only to then never be able to hold them, never to be their momma. It’s a loss of a baby, even though there was no death. But it is a difficult and so painful kind of loss.
    I love hearing about your heart for God and your trust in him!!! As a woman who struggled through years of inferility and failed adoptions . . . God was faithful to us everyday – comforting my weary heart. And I know that our faithful God will comfort you too!

    • Thank you so much for your story and encouragement! This is our first failed adoption and I wasn’t completely sure how others handled it but I definitely felt as if we’d lost a child. I told my husband last night that this felt like a failed (infertility) treatment…. we’ve been down that road, too. It is hard. But, yes, I’m glad I have God to run back to – even when all I want to do is run from Him. I know He is what I need. Thank you so much for your words! I needed them today!

      • Alaina,
        I’m so sorry for your loss! I hope that you give yourself the room and grace to let yourself feel whatever you feel (and grieve!) over this loss of a baby through a failed adoption. It’s so, so hard!

        • Thank you. You definitely have to make time to grieve – life is so busy and it’s easy to get bogged down with a to do list. But, thankfully, I had the most laid back weekend where I did a lot of sleeping (which could be scary) and crying so I’m okay now. Thank you! Thank you! 🙂

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