… a tiny fierceness

My current, most beloved, and longest lasting screen saver to date…….

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I really just realized how small I was. “Just realizing” meaning within the last year or so. After my 13 yr old sister and 11 year old niece continuing to inch past me, centimeter by centimeter. Along with the fact that I’m also the same size as some 2nd & 3rd graders. I literally can’t wrap my head around being the same size as (and, at times smaller than) prepubescent children. I look at them and I don’t see it.

I don’t typically have a “small” attitude/ personality but when I do, it’s an active choice to be more thoughtful of the other person’s feelings and perspectives than my own, slow to speak, and patient. Most days, I consider myself to be a strong person and I work very hard at getting physically stronger, as well as mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

But, there are times I feel small and frail. And, like most people, I typically equate small and frail to defenseless and not very advantageous … Most people step on and over what is small and are quick to try to take advantage of size.

There are the times I have to remind myself that even though I’m small, I’m quite strong and feisty.

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from my infertility is how strong I am and have the potential to be. When I wonder if I am really strong enough to go through more rounds of treatment knowing what I’m getting myself into and what could happen – I know that I can. The only question is whether I want to or not.

I’m grateful for my infertility for many reasons but one is truly for the heartbreaks and soul aches it has caused. Because of it, I’ve learned so much about myself, I’ve realized that I have the potential and ABILITY to do so many different things… And, drives me to do more than I often don’t think I can. And the progress of those pains, efforts, and ultimately successes keep me going.

You learn to manage. And, I’m hoping, that the stronger I get, the less you I myself “managing” and the more I find myself moving on with much more ease and less effort because I’ve gotten stronger. The tough balance for me is between becoming callous and hard towards life and dealing with the emotions and lessons of life as it ebbs and flows with a mature perspective. I like managing because you are dealing with the emotional part but that logical part is there to give “sense” to the situation, it keeps you from jumping off the ledge. And, grows you up.

Obviously, the main thing that keeps me from standing so close to the ledge and gives me the desire to manage so I can go on with life when the craziest of things happen, is the fact that it’s all been planned and laid out for me. And, even when I veer off and cause myself pain, God is still there.

I’m quite sure I’ve posted the one you need video before…. But, I listened to it today and it got to me. I tend to/have to listen to it from a Heavenly Father/daughter perspective…. Listening to it from an Earthy father/daughter perspective kills me simply because I think of Thomas and how he could possibly miss out on such an amazing experience.

I appreciate knowing that no matter the heartaches I go though, no matter how small, fearful, or fearless I think or feel I am or perceived to be – He is there and makes it all better. Even when I’m the one who spilled the milk I’m crying over, He wipes it up with patience, love, and grace. Then, hands me another glass.

… Here’s to a fun sized, small-ish person like myself having everything needed to go through all life with a fierce strength built from managing and dealing with it all…. with a smile. 🙂
Oh! And, to music and quotes. They, too, make my heart beat!

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