… decisions, decisions

Being  a Christian is very often tough for me. Not because of the negative views that some may hold or anything like that but because I am such a EMOTIONAL person. I FEEL so much and have often made decisions, since I was a young girl, based on what I felt versus what was deemed right or wrong by WHOever…. It didn’t matter to me. What I FELT was right, was… what I FELT was wrong, was. Now, this mindset was great when my right lined up with the authority’s right, but when they clashed – they clashed. I wasn’t a problem child or incredibly disobedient, but I had a mind of my own. LOL. Obviously, for the most part, I ended up bending to do “their” right versus my own which left me quite unhappy and bothered, but what do you do?

For these reasons, I am thankful for a couple of things. The dismissal of The Law when Christ died on the cross and second for the fact that because Christ died on the cross, He bore my sins and allowed me access to a fellowship and relationship that I am not worthy of. That I don’t deserve. That I fail to deserve daily.

This blog, when it comes to writing about things of this nature, is very difficult for me to write. I feel that those who know me and know me well – the ones who know my struggles, horrendous mistakes, and past… the ones who have seen me at my very worst – are among those who discredit the truth in what I write, because I am the one who’s writing it. And, what I hate the most – I balk at myself. Those of US who are unable to truly see life as a journey, to see myself as a work in progress, and to see issues, struggles, and difficulties as what they are – issues, struggles, and difficulties that we ALL deal with – are missing out on the grace of God. These faults do not make us any more or less Christian… But, the things that make us desperately in need of the love and forgiveness of Christ. They are the very things that open our eyes to our need for Him and open our hearts to worship Him knowing that He loves, accepts, and forgives daily for all that we do.

Now, while I’m grateful for the lack of Law, I struggle greatly with not living a life based not on my feelings but based on the truths of God. I struggle with trusting God with it ALL and not leaning back on “what I know about myself”. The impatient spirit I have bucks and twitches when having to wait and go through a growing period. This part of me ignores the fact that we KNOW that the things that build faith and perseverance are sandpaper people and moments and not a life of relationships filled with constant peace and effortless relationships. The wonderful thing about these sandpaper people and moments are that even though they irritate, rub wrong, and minimize – it also smoothes and makes a more lovely piece of art.

I’ve learned to be quiet and be still. I talk a lot. A LOT. And, I’m always going or doing. I hate being idle. Thomas has had to MAKE me sit because I won’t knowing I can be doing something else. I find that in silence and stillness we can be just as productive as when we’re busy and moving. Sometimes, we need the stillness. We can ruin things by talking too much or not allowing ourselves the space to take inventory of what’s going on around us.

To decide and make up ones mind to trust God for an unknown outcome is not easy…. We just have to trust that one who is creating us to become everything He planned for us to become, to accomplish everyhing He has set out for us to, and to honor Him the way that He asks. These things often go against our nature…. we did not come into this world wanting to please God and we definitely don’t always feel like it.
BUT, everyday we decide to do things we don’t feel like doing. Because of parents ask us. Our bosses ask us. Or it’s expected of us.
God, the Creator of everything we set our eyes on expects certain things from us that He knows we can’t do our own but gives us His very power to do these things. Can we? Yes. But, will we?

If it weren’t for the issues, struggles, and difficulty – there would be nothing to sand away… there would be nothing that would position me to recognize that I NEED to be reshaped and worked on for the glory of God. I’m not dealing with or going through things issues for nothing – God is creating something beautiful from all of that. For His glory.

That… the beautiful outcome, becoming someone who brings Him glory…. is the outcome we have to believe Him for.

Decisions, decisions.

….. here’s to recognizing and honoring the One who is asking us to do the very things we don’t, for Him.
…. here’s to getting over our selfishness and pride and honoring the One we are so unworthy of.


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