… cd1

I tightly grasp onto every little ounce of hope, chance, & possibility that is available on any day, at any time, and in every any circumstance with nothing less than all that I have. And, everytime it feels as if it only leads me smack into a brick wall. A very tall, dark, gloomy, thick, brick wall.

I am tired of hitting my head.

I don’t do well with “lost causes”, and low percentages, and standing against the odds.  That is not emotional, but a conclusion based on outcomes and percentages of W vs. L’s. I have more L’s to show for a lot of work and effort. The scales aren’t ever quite tipped in my favor.

I’d rather this treatment money to go toward jewelry, a new computer, clothes, books, shoes, SAVINGS!!!!!, home decor, ANYTHING other than wasted on futile attempts to procreate. I’m not quite sure I want to shell it out again.

Granted, we were on no meds or and had no treatments this month. But, I also know there is a God who CAN defy odds if He so chooses. I was holding tight to my faith that He WOULD. Not stressing (for real) and just hanging out. And, I’m disappointed.
In Him? Kinda. definitely………………….. I know He can, not sure if He will. But, just faithfully hoping. And, with every “no” to my “Can we please have a baby?” plead just makes it harder to keep truly, wholeheartedly hoping and remaining faithful.
In the outcome? Definitely………… I am trying NOT to question.

Usually Thomas gets the sob story – he talks (read: motivates, reassures, and encourages), I cry & complain, and then we just sit. I get up, wash my face, & move on. Then, you guys get the  renewed hope “I’m ready to conquer the infertility world because it WILL work this time” post. But, he’s asleep and I have nothing in me to ecourage myself. Sorry. Maybe tomorrow.

…. so much for a perfect evening.



  1. Stay strong Alaina. I still pray for your family and I know I am not the only one. You two were in my dreams AGAIN last night (honest to GOD truth) I’m not sure if it is because you are heavy on my mind and in my heart but I hope it is a sign of things to come. I wasn’t going to tell you about my dream and I may not (sorry for the teaser) but keep the faith. I know it’s easier said than done but that is the only thing that I can think of to tell you. I wish I had something more encouraging to say but I have nothing. Keep the faith and stay strong are the only things on my heart to tell you. Ummm…..if only I could think of something funny to say to end this on a high note. I was about to take a hot shower. It’s just like a regular shower………..only with me in it. 🙂 hehehe

    • You are freaking hilarious!!!!! That made me LOL for real!!
      And, no worries about what to say. What you said was absolutely perfect.

      Thank you! Lol.

  2. Shanika Henderson says

    I had to come back and find the post with my comment I was telling you about yesterday. I’m glad I remember it and was able to tell Jacci.

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