… take this

I don’t want to to do this…

I don’t want to sit at home in pain because of a surgery I had to increase the POSSIBILITY that we may have kids…

I don’t want to go through procedure after procedure and appointment after appointment only to be disappointed over and over again…

I don’t want to live my life childless…

Then again…

I don’t want to live my life childless..

I don’t want to be disappointed over and over again about never even trying…

I don’t want to sit at home in pain because I don’t have something I never even tried for…

I don’t want to endure month after month after month of disappointment when my cycle arrives…

I don’t want to do this….

…..

I don’t want to be the infertile woman unable to have kids but going through all of these things I don’t want to go through because they are my only chances of getting what I want.

I don’t want to go through all of this for quite possibly years with nothing to show but a drained bank account, an unimaginable amount of pain, and too many tears to count.. all for nothing.

I don’t want to be unable to give my husband children or to continue our family…

I don’t want this….

I don’t think I can handle all of this.  Apparently, God thinks I can. I don’t want to.

I don’t believe this is a punishment, I don’t think this is God “teaching me a lesson” – I do believe it is Him using me for some reason that I am sure will be worth it for Him. Do I want to go through all of this? NO. And, could almost careless why.

This isn’t easy. It’s not fun. It’s not noble. It isn’t a sign of strength. It is pain. Unimaginable pain. Pain that I would not wish on anyone.

There is two sides to all of this. It boils down to whether or not you want even a chance. A chance. A possibility. The option. A maybe.

A possibility when the odds aren’t even very high.

I could very well be sitting here next month praising God over a successful treatment…. I could very well be sitting here next month preparing for the next opportunity to try.

As confident as you can be one day, all of that confidence and “I can do it!” can disappear just as quickly as it came.

There is a choice to make. Deeper than choosing to do a procedure. More important than choosing which procedure to do when or how many times….. A choice that requires more courage than telling your family and friends or posting to Facebook.

It’s choosing to be optimistic or pessimistic.  Choosing to be positive in the face of very low odds and uncertain circumstances……. Most days, I try to be positive. Even when I cry, even when I’m sad, even when I’m upset – I know there is a chance. I know that God has an awesome plan for my life – does that plan involve having our own babies, adopting someone else’s, or just experiencing life as husband/wife and uncle/aunt? Who knows. But, I know that regardless of the outcome – I can trust His plan.

And, that’s all I’m trying to do right now. Not focus on what I want or what I don’t want. Not focus on the odds – good or bad. Not focus on the how long things take or what else is going on…. but focus on Him.

Our journey started a while ago but I think once you know what’s wrong and are actually moving to make things happen – there’s a different feeling. A different mindset. The counting starts. Counting days, counting weeks, re-arranging events/schedules to fit around appointments/procedures. It’s very different. Your focus is shifted. From an excited “Maybe this is the month” to a “Okay….. this is our next move. We have to be available these days for these procedures…”

Ugh,  I don’t want to do this….

…. here’s to doing things we don’t want to do, trusting God’s plan, and enduring.

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