I love being a mom…



I truly love being a mama. It seems as if I fall in love with my daughters, my role, and their response to me more and more everyday. Who would think that teeny people enter your life, turn it into chaos, & you would enjoy it?! 

The gratification of meeting your child’s needs and being their only source of comfort at times can literally have you feeling like you’re the most important and powerful person alive. 

And, really, you’re the most important person in their world. You provide every, most basic need a human can have. The intimate connection you have with them is one they have with a select few.

I laugh at and with my girls for the majority of the day over the silliest, most ‘annoying’ (read: adorable) things they regularly do…….. 

Here are a few of my favorite mommy moments as they’re thought out in my mind: lol

 These children of ours can’t get close enough to us – ever. I mean, your face is so deep in my neck I doubt you can breathe. And, must you use your tiny (yet powerful) muscles to dig your feet into my junk to push yourself up any further? There’s nowhere else to go. Oh, and that very numb, sensitive spot your standing on tip toes on, is my c-section scar. No, it doesn’t hurt. 

Ooooh, my gosh. I can’t wait til they go to sleep!!!!! Aww look at them sleep! **** I go to sleep face to face, nose to nose with my girls. Wrapping my arms around them, kissing them twelve hundred times, and easing silent baby pandemonium by sticking paci’s back in mouths before they wake. ****** I need to be sending emails. I need to finish that design……. Is it too late to text someone?! 

I fed them after midnight, that HAS to be why sweet angelic babies’ heads haven’t stopped spinning and they’re fighting sleep like life depends on it. 

Oh….. She’s pooping. Great. I’ll let her finish as I send this text/respond to this person/finish this work….. Oh great, she’s asleep. Hmmmm…….. She smells really bad. Waking a sleeping baby has to be baby cruelty of some kind. I mean, she just fell asleep. So, maybe it’s okay since she isn’t that deep into it yet. 

***** still don’t know the less cruel way to go on that one…. Lol. What do y’all do? *****

I’m so stinking tired. I wish I was a Jetson. 

Ahhhhhhhh….. And, thanks for spotting up on me right after I got out of the shower. Old belly milk is by far my favorite scent!

oh, one day I’m going to miss her double chins.

This mama life is beautiful, but it’s lonely. It’s exhausting…… I can now function on a level of tired I didn’t think existed. It’s a letting go and enjoying and laughing at mishaps. 

It’s opting to sleep rather than clean the kitchen, it’s learning to juggle, it’s being okay with dropping your phone on the baby’s head and bumping their carseat into a wall (again…. Sorry). It’s mom talk in the baby aisles at Target ….. It’s being so unbothered by spit up that you keep eating the dinner you were barely able to make bc you know if you stop to clean everybody up you’ll never finish. And, I mean, be real…….. You’ve worn that shirt all day and it has 328,283 kinds of baby gunk all over it. But, thank God it was just a little bit. Right? Ugh. 

It’s wanting to trade places with the spouse who sleeps…. It’s wanting a break from the gunk and cries, for pure uninterrupted rest………. Only two minutes into said break. 

It’s being okay with everything not being Insta-perfect. At my house, I don’t bother kids once they sleep. Fell asleep before we could bathe & change into jammies (or a onesie!!!!!)??? No problem!!! You’ll survive. We all will of if you sleep. 

It’s not wanting your babe to grow up while anxiously waiting the next stage. 

It’s perfect. Every bit of it. It’s the most selfless, loving, most saddest, so terrifying thing I’ve ever done in my life. It’s made me better and Lord knows how badly I needed my rough edges smoothed. 

What is motherhood like to you?! What are some of your favorite moments?!

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what’s for dinner?

bellyBut, thank God! He gives us victory over death and sin through our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Corinthians 15:57

THANK GOD!

I’ve been listening to this song on repeat for about a week. I play it as loud as I can when I can…… as softly as I can hear it when I have to. And, I allow it to get all the way into my spirit. To speak to my brokenness and hurt. To underscore whispered prayers through tears. To speak for me. To remind me of God’s promises.

A few things I’m believing God to give me victory and freedom over is my mouth. Lord, when that hurt and that brokenness is touched, it’s like pressing on a fresh bruise and your automatic response is to scream|cry out in pain. My pastor talked about anger and controlling ourselves while we’re angry….. I thought about the sin that follows anger. Scripture after scripture tell us not to sin in anger. “Do not… ” is said. We can control it. It’s a choice to yell and/or sneak snide remarks or just be outright nasty. My counselor (yes, I’m in counseling) and I have been working on just being quiet. Not saying anything. So, I’ve been very quiet this week. Especially when my bruises are bumped. When I’m hurt again. When things happen again. For my sake alone. And, it’s beautiful.

Beautiful to know that I can live peacefully.
It’s strength to not be controlled by any outside source.
Self preservation & self care is realizing that my inner well being is more important than everything.
More important than a jab or defending or trying to “get you to see”.

When I’m quiet, I give myself the opportunity to gather thoughts, to pray, to depend on Jesus for my peace, words, and tone. It barely feels good for a moment to go off and dig into another person, but it feels better and better to be able to not allow sin to throw me off my game plan. Which isn’t to do more than avoid setting fire to my life. To be seen as the crazy, angry chick when you’re really just hurting and waiting for someone to recognize that hurt and work to fix it.

James 3:5-9
Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.
 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness.

Controlling my anger|words|emotions is what’s best for me but so good for my children and relationships. Being able to communicate peacefully and purposefully with tact is a beneficial. While I believe there are times you have to be more forceful with your voice & words, it’s only effective when rarely used.

Often I find that we know things but it’s difficult to implement until we’re ready.
I recognized that in relationships, I very much have a “team” mentality. It’s US until it’s not. I work very hard to be considerate and sensitive to other people although I’m not the best at it all the times with all people. But, I’m working. Anyway. So, when I’m doing that work with another person, I take it personally when they don’t give what I’ve given. I take it personally & it hurts me and makes me angry when it’s addressed but not worked on. What I’ve come to realize is that while you can ask, you can’t expect someone to give you something they don’t have. And, you have to stop making excuses for them. Potential & capacity have nothing to do with  desire & motivation. In trying to force the situation, we only end up frustrating ourselves. If they don’t have it, they don’t have it. They may never have it or they may get it in the future. Freedom is operating under what is right now peacefully. Not what you want to be or think it can be if this or that. Work towards the future, but operate in the present.

Recognize what is , forgive the hurts, then move on.
(Move on doesn’t always mean discontinue the relationship, it means get off the issue.)
{And, “off”is different than “over”}

Oh, this alleviates any reason to get angry. While issues may still hurt, there’s no need to get angry. There’s nothing to take personally. There’s no reason to label inconsiderate or unloving or anything else. Usually when I’m angry it’s because I’m disappointed (an expectation hasn’t been met), my feelings were hurt, or I felt as if I wasn’t considered. For the most part. Once I quietly deal with and label how I feel, I can move forward. I decide whether it’s worth bringing up or not. I decide how and when I respond – not my uncontrolled feelings. And, I change my expectations (not my standards) of that situation because now that anger isn’t narrowing my view, I can clearly see observe & respond based on facts// not feelings.

I’m not going to expect an organic meal from McDonald’s.
I know they don’t provide it, I’m not going to talk myself blue trying to convince them of the benefits of healthier choices and get upset when they don’t value of what I’m saying.
They serve what they serve. Eat it or move on, you know?
Without the mouthiness and fire starting.

Love yourself enough to choose what you want to eat.
You don’t have to eat what’s offered.
You decide what you will & won’t accept.
You decide how long you want McDonald’s.

When you recognize & accept what’s being offered vs. what you’re trying to add to an already set menu,
you’ll be able to move on in peace.
In a way that doesn’t disrupt your heart.
In a way that allows you joyfully eat of the current menu or open the next menu without still being bitter about the last one.

Ya know?

 

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… one stage down, too many more to go

sweet babies(Rhy is fine…. caught her in the middle of a head turn. lol. No babe was harmed during our morning picture taking sesh!)

My babies will be 3 months old in a matter of days…. and, I’m definitely emotional about it.

Yes, of course, they grow. It’s no surprise.
That shouldn’t be a cause for tears and sadness.
Or, extra snuggles.

But, it’s worth that and more.

If you’ve been around awhile, you may remember quite a bit of this….. but, honestly so much of it has been stuffed so deep, I choose not to go back there.

But, I can’t forget this, and THIS!!!!!!!, and this… and, sadly,  this.
….. and, the years worth of heartache and sadness that came before May 2014…
When I posted this then this…. then, ultimately, this after everything was confirmed.
What a month that was… It’s amazing how quickly (“quickly”) things can change.

littlebitsThe fact that my babies have grown out of their newborn clothes, clothes that were so baggy on them when they came home….
and, their 0-3 month clothes are getting snug.
Their first headbands are getting a bit tight.
Their first shoes have the teensiest room left in the foot.
4oz of milk is becoming quite the joke.

Babies I weren’t supposed to be able to have are here. They are thriving. They are growing so well.
These girls have the best personalities. One’s personality is gigantic and literally comedic. The other more laid back and serious. Her facial expressions and smiles are the sweetest because you know when she smiles, she means it.

I have a couple of sweet friends, specifically, who struggled with me through our experiences of infertility and loss. And, it’s beyond beautiful to see them preparing to welcome their sweet babies.

All mamas are crazy emotional about their babes. All mamas can’t believe they grow so fast and time races as quickly as it does. I’m not minimizing any mamas love for their child. But, as with anything else, when you struggle and struggle and lose and work so very hard for something you want from you core, there’s a different type of appreciation. A different type of emotion that wells up about everything.

shoesBecause it wasn’t supposed to be.
But, God’s plan turned out to be very different and much more amazing than what we could see.
It resounded louder than all that we’d heard.
It redeemed all of the pain we’d felt.

And, how can you not be emotional over such a miracle?

While I’m sad about what’s behind us, I’m so gun shy and timid about what’s in front of us. I almost separate their age/development in 3m intervals. Kinda like their clothes! lol.
While 0-3m was a learning curve for us, I’m somewhat looking forward to investing in more clothing/shoes for them. They have a couple of more pairs of shoes and NB headbands outside of what’s been pictured because I chose not to purchase so much when I knew they wouldn’t be going out much for most of that time span and also they grow so quickly. We didn’t wear a few NB items and a lot of their NB size clothes I was able to donate to another preemie mama friend. Which was really fun. The bonus, I still have another kid’s worth of clothes I will probably donate! Lol.
So, 3-6 months…. We’ll be able to wear spring/summer clothes & shoes which I’m really pumped about. I’m sure they’ll end up with much more clothes/shoes this time!! I’m also anticipating the developments that come with having two 3-6m olds! (I can’t believe I’m saying that!) I’m so ready to see how these girls interact with each other as they grow! Sitting up, crawling, little baby teeth, real food (!!!), more cooing/babbling, more twin interactions, more of everything.

bocobaby
I’ll definitely miss the newness of everything. Over the last couple of weeks, they’ve started to hold on to you when you hold them. They wrap their little baby arms around you while they hold their heads up and look around and it makes me melt. They aren’t limp newbies anymore who aren’t able to actively participate in their world. They are learning to effect and control. The first time they reach their arms out for me I’ll probably burst. I think the little “hugs”, responding to kisses & letting you know they want more,  along with both of them smiling consistently and responsively were my favorite parts of this last stage. Oh, and of course, sleeping longer through the night!

One thing I am a bit undecided about, but at the same time very excited to start in this new stage is feeding these babies real food! We tried giving them a bit of applesauce on a spoon and they totally aren’t ready for a spoon! I’ll give them another few weeks, then see where we are after that! We were gifted a Baby Bullet and I have a good friend who owns Southern Cadence Cuisine that has offered to help me with preparing natural, tasty foods for the girls! She offers lessons in preparing your cuties nutritious meals that are age appropriate. She starts at 5 months, so if your babe is nearing that age, definitely contact her and let her know you’re interested in Cooking for Cuties!! I’m going to start lessons soon so I’ll know what I’m doing when we’re ready for the girls to have food!! (If you visit, tell her Alaina sent you!)

These last three months flew by so insanely fast…….. Can’t wait for the next 3!

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