worth the wait

One thing I look forward to everyday is opening my Facebook app and seeing a memory from years and years ago. There has been so much LIFE CHANGE that’s happened over the past FIVE years and each of the memories from the girls, Plexus events, or even photos of myself that make me so dang on proud.

We’ve been through a lot.

A couple of days ago, May 31, a memory popped up from 2016 that reminded me that five years prior I had my first fertility treatment. whoa. I remember that summer being emotionally difficult. Physically uncomfortable. Mentally draining.

Ironically, May of 2014 (3 years later), I found out I was pregnant. On my own. Post multiple failed fertility treatments and failed adoptions. Post my brokenness. Post my faith kept in the fire. Post battling darkness, disappointment, hopelessness. and, eventually choosing to give up. A couple of weeks after I resigned, my cycle was about 3-4 days late before I decided to take a pregnancy test that showed me two pink lines confirming that I was indeed pregnant.

Two life changing events that began in May. Not sure whether to run with that or just raise a brow. At minimum, it’s neat.

Here I am, eight years later the mama of three surprise babies from two unexpected pregnancies. A testament of the fact that even though my body said one thing, the Creator of all (including my malfunctioning body) moves in his ways on his timing.

His timing is perfect.
And, scary.
Uncomfortable.
A bit annoying.
And, feels very much like “last minute”.

During our infertility and adoption season, I designed and sold t-shirts and wrist bands that affirmed that our baby, our expanded family was “worth the wait“. That his timing, his plan, his glory, and our story would be worth all of the time and everything that happened between the start and a baby in our arms would be worth that child, the blessing, and the Lord’s glory.

I think back and laugh because we had NO IDEA what we would walk through by the time the babies that grew in my belly made it to our arms. None.

But, what I gained in the span of those years pre-pregnancy prepared me for what I would walk through during my pregnancy. I was insanely immature. I felt ill equipped. It felt like the same hell, but hotter.

but, still. The foundational belief was essentially that the Lord would work everything out for our good and he would get the glory in what happened in our lives.

and, he has. 

He makes all things beautiful in their own time.
He is a God of restoration and redemption.
He is a God that delights in showing us mercy.
He is a God that stores good things up for us.
He is a God who heals, brings back to life, and renews.
He is a God that is faithful, committed, patient with us.

He never fails.
He never quits.
He never gets tired.
He never stops pursuing.
He never stops forgiving.
He never stops maturing us.
He never stops drawing us to him.

Always welcomes us with open arms.
Always hears us.
Always sees us.
Always responds to us.
Always provides.
Always comforts.
Always strengthens.
Always gives us peace.
Always watches over us.
Always prepares a way for us.

He gives us beauty for ashes. Fact.
What we endure will not compare to what is waiting for us in glory. Fact.
What we endure & enjoy works together for our good. Fact.
He is always with us. Fact.

All of that is certain and so true. We can depend on it.
We can enjoy each day with peace standing on those promises
because it is written and that never changes.

But what isn’t certain is HOW we go through our circumstances and who we become as we go through them. We can fall away from Christ and choose to throw our hands up at him and all he’s doing. We can find illegitimate ways to satisfy legitimate needs and desires. We can become hopeless, develop a scarcity mindset, and lose sight of what we believe the Lord has for us and will do for us. We can allow our hearts to harden, we can become people we don’t even like when we look in the mirror.

Or, as painful as it can be, lean into the Lord and draw near to Him. Yes, the one we know can  change our circumstances just by making a mental choice and breathing. The one we feel is the source of our pain and not our comfort. The one we know can heal our bleeding hearts and restore brokenness. That one. We can trust Him. Because what we has waiting for us, is for us. We can trust Him because like a good father, he loves us too much to gives us something that isn’t ready yet or that we aren’t ready for. He loves us too much to spoil the surprise and give it to us too early. Loves others that we’re connected to and that our blessing is connected to (whether we know it or not) to act before it’s the perfect time for everyone involved.

We can trust what he’s doing. He’s reliable. He won’t let us down. He even fixes our messes and works the consequences of our sins into the “good” that will soon be ours. He loves us that much. Nothing is wasted. Nothing has to be wasted, rather.

One thing I learned to do is look for the good and spend daily time with the Lord. Those things plus developing my prayer life has been incredible. What I see the Lord doing is amazing.

I’m not going to go into the “I’m not perfect” because by now if you’re thinking or expecting anyone (including yourself) to be perfect, ….. it’s a waste.

Whatever you’re believing God for.
Whatever you’re praying for.
Whatever you’re too afraid to even ask God for, to even mention it to him.

IS WORTH THE WAIT.
WORTH YOUR TIME SPENT IN PRAYER.
WORTH YOUR TIME DEVELOPING YOURSELF.
WORTH YOUR TIME PREPARING.
WORTH YOUR TIME DREAMING.
WORTH YOUR TIME LEARNING.
WORTH YOUR TIME UNROOTING TOXICITY.
WORTH YOUR TIME LEARNING NEW HABITS.
WORTH YOUR TIME BREAKING GENERATIONAL CURSES.
WORTH YOUR TIME DEVELOPING A STRONG MINDSET.
WORTH YOUR TIME DEVELOPING YOUR FAITH.
WORTH YOUR TIME IN PURSUIT.
WORTH YOUR TIME SACRIFICING FOR.
WORTH YOUR TIME TAKING STEPS EVERY SINGLE DAY TO ONE DAY HAVE.
WORTH EVERY SINGLE TEAR.
EVERY SINGLE PRAYER.
EVERY SINGLE HOPE.
EVERY SINGLE MOMENT IMAGINING HOW FLIPPING
AMAZING IT IS GOING TO BE.

YOU ARE WORTH IT.


Moreover, let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings,
know that pressure an affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance.
Roman 5:3

 

 

Signature

Mother’s Day 2019

These three made me a mama.

Do you ever wish you could blot out chapters of your story? Maybe a paragraphs in certain chapters?
A line or two?

I do. Plenty pieces.
Infertility being one of the top two.

But, look at these three people. So hilarious. So full of life. So playful.

After years of struggle.
Heartache.
Sadness.

I am pulled closer to Jesus.
And, given these two.
Then, another.

And, they call me mama.
And, I get to be their mama. 

It’s sweet and special.

Motherhood is the hardest, most sacrificial, frustrating, and uncomfortable job I’ve ever had.
Motherhood is the most exciting, enjoyable, life giving, and life giving job I’ve ever had.

And, I’m so thankful for the chance, the opportunity to raise these girls.
It’s so hard.
But, so so so good.

I initially hated that I became pregnant at time I did because it just didn’t seem fair,
wasn’t the way I’d dreamt of my experience would be.
But, the physical, emotional, and mindset issues I was struggling with
were at the height of problematic at that time as well.  Issues I’d always
(literally always) struggled were controlling my life and I hated how I felt.

But, timing was perfect.
Infertility connected me much closer to a friend who would be able to help me feel better, my body function better, and to look better right as I became responsible for my first two mini-me’s.
She began sharing about supplements
that helped to lose weight. And, I wanted to lose my baby weight.

But, I gotten more than a slimmer waist.
Balanced blood sugar that helped with balanced hormones, stabilized moods, and increased energy.
Reduced inflammation that helps with swelling, mommy pains, sitting at a computer all day pain, as well as acne/eczema,
Bloating reduced.. my clothes fit better and I didn’t have that full, uncomfortable feeling.
Digestive issues gone.
My moods are balanced.
Anxiety, stress, depression…. reduced & controlled.
More energy. Sustained energy.
Incredible sleep.
I can celebrate Mother’s Day because without so both the struggles of infertility
and these incredible clean plant based supplements
I wouldn’t… couldn’t mother the way I’d always dreamed.

Now, every day is perfect.
There are days I’m stressed and I raise my voice…
I’m a mama, not perfect.

But, I feel better. And, because I feel better, I do better.
I mom with joy. I’m not dragging and moody from the time I wake up in the morning.
Tantrums and high emotions are handled with more patience.

While there’s been personal growth and development, I can’t ignore the science behind the
ingredients and what how they affect/balance the body.
Plus, I feel awful after a couple of days off of my supplements. 

I’m so thankful for these girls.
So thankful I get to be these girls’ mama.
Even more grateful that I get to mom them
with joy, peace, emotional balance, and a clear mind.
And, a healthy body that up for chasing three babies
every day, all day.

They absolutely deserve my best.
And, I give it to them daily.
Thank you, Jesus.

Signature

follow & find

I’m slightly obsessed with the photos I took a couple of weeks ago. It was the first time in a while I felt like I was seen as more than a mama. Knowing & feeling are two different things right? Add looking & appearing to be more than a little tooshie wiper and you’ve got this………. me in a non-kid friendly top and short short. I can still do both.

Ironically, this post has been sitting waiting to be edited and published for a couple weeks now. That first paragraph was already written, I just updated the time line. THAT paragraph is the same sentiment I believe Ayesha Curry has and experiences… just like a ton of other mamas and women who experience change and are consumed by a role. “I still got it.” I can still walk out of the house confident about what I look like now (post baby body) and be recognized for that alone. Not seen as only someone’s mama or wife or _____. But, a woman. And, I got attention, as I usually do, but this time it was different. It wasn’t “What a beautiful family.” or “You’ve got some beautiful girls.” or “You look amazing … how do you get yourself together with 3 girls.” The compliments I receieved from men and women was centered around me. And, I loved it. It felt good. I’m sure they saw what I felt – a spark, freedom, an ease that isn’t there when you’re chasing two kids with one on your hip. A vibe that isn’t present when you’re dressed to have kid goop all over you and your shirt used as a snot rag. I am still who I was before who I am now. That recognition felt great.

Aside from not usually looking like anything but “Logan and Rhy Rhy’s mom” (y’all know how kids do)….. I love being a mama. Love serving my family. Love pushing strollers and carrying the cutest diaper backpack. Watching my kids learn new things and become these little girls with their own personalities and expanding vocabularies bring me all the joy. Marie Kondo sytle – they can stay because they spark joy. Maintain the joy. They are joy even when they’re on my nerves. Their presence is a physical proof of God’s faithfulness. Even when they’re pushing me to crazy, they are all joy in all of their loud and chaotic chaos.

Being a mama is my jam. As a mama, I get to be & do….. I have become ….. the woman I was purposed to be. Purposed, fashioned, fearfully & wonderfully made.

I get to teach. Empower. Encourage. Support. Establish belief. And, grow it. Establish faith. And, mature it.
Purposed to impact the kingdom.

When I first began this blog, I was a married woman struggling with infertility.
That was about 7-8 years ago.
I wasn’t who I am now.

There’s a quote.. a saying.. that says we ask the Lord for cake but we dismiss the eggs, the bowl, sugar, wisk, etc needed to bake, to prepare what we are asking the Lord for. The irony is that the Lord didn’t say “No.”, but he did give us gifts, gives us opportunities in our lap, intentionally puts people in our paths; the good, the bad, the experiences that seemingly crush us. He said, “This is what you’ll need to receive what you’re asking for.”

There are points in life we are completely unaware of the what and why. There are times he begins to show us little by little why things happened the way they did. Sometimes we fight the process. We fight the path he has us take, we ignore opportunities, and choose to not act on the urges the Lord impresses on our hearts. We lose time. We miss out on experiences. We live Plan B instead of Plan A.

I can look back on the last ten years of life and see how the Lord has been preparing me for now all along. I can see how he has softened my heart in so many areas, how he has brought specific people into my life in one season who were vital to landing me exactly where I needed to be in another. I can think back to specific events where I know the Lord was telling me to do something, to go against what made sense, to ignore “who I am” and obey what he was telling & truly positioning me to do.

Plan A or Plan B? Is there even a Plan B?
There’s an idea of God’s permissive will and his perfect will for our lives.
I’m undecided and not truly sure if it even matters.

What I know and believe is that the Lord is for me. That he created me to do a specific thing and that is to love Him and love people well. And, that’s exactly what the path he’s placed me on has taught me.

He’s used every single gift he’s placed in me, every single moment of my life and decision made to shape me. The ignorance he pulled out of me and replaced with understanding and wisdom. The people he’s placed in my life, the jobs I’ve had, the experiences and lessons. The faith he has developed and built and the passions he has placed in the pit of my belly. The dreams and goals that won’t die. The hope that won’t let up. Hello, oil, eggs, & vanilla extract.

All of that was for this.
The chance to be a mother.
100% of the time.
Leading, encouraging, inspiring, empowering, and helping
other women/mamas/single mamas
believe and see that they have options.
Their goals may not include working from home with babies at their feet.
But, I believe they want a way to provide for their families.
They want to feel like playing with their kids.
They want to have the energy to do for everyone else and themselves.

When I became a single mama, I already had a side income that allowed me more breathing room (because I accepted an opportunity seven months prior not knowing what would happen later on that year). Without it, I would have had to take on another job that required me to spend more time away from my children. With only two weekends and a few hours in the evening, time was already limited. Hello, sugar.

A few years later, I found myself pregnant with a little girl who would ultimately lead me to walking away from the classroom to have a relationship with her. To continue building a business that had grown, and continue growing an income that included a comma every month. To continue helping people the Lord brought into my life to see an opportunity that could change theirs. Hello, cake mix.

Which opened my mind up to the fact that opportunities to use what we have to develop personally, grow skills, earn income, support others, and build the kingdom while doing that are all around us…. if we are brave enough to pursue them. Gimme the wisk, the measuring cups, the cake pan.

So, I decided to add a little something new to my plate that would allow me to serve, empower, and support other women while also providing for my family on my terms. 
A result of the bravery learned, belief in myself grown, the matured faith, and vision for
opportunity that has been developed over the past few years led to this.
Please pass the icing.

The tragedy of a divorce four years ago led me here.
Led me to be the single mama who needs to provide for her family while being
available to her children.
The place where her childhood dream became a reality.
The place that developed her, matured, and forced her to
be brave when shrinking in fear and uncertainty,
taking the safe route seemed best.
Led me to learn to lean and abide, to stay close to Jesus.

The cake.
The answered prayer.
The provision.
The abundant overflow that you need.

Ask the Lord about opportunities. Then, accept them.
Ask the Lord for guidance. Then, follow.
Even when you’re not sure.
Even when you’ve never done it before.
Even when others won’t agree.
Even when you have no idea what you just signed up for.

Choose trusting the Lord in uncertainty over the fear paralyzing you know in the familiar.

Understand this:
You aren’t supposed to know the outcome; you aren’t God.
You’re just supposed to trust God.
You’re supposed to be faithful with what he’s given you.

And, that is what I’ve been doing. It hasn’t been easy. It’s been insanely hard. I’ve cried out, I’ve yelled, I’ve given up (in my head), I’ve been pissed and terrified, I’ve been devastated…… But, I’ve also been provided for. I’ve been led. I’ve experienced insane favor. Growth. Maturity. Peace. Understanding.

Choosing to trust God isn’t easy and there are times it puts us in some pretty devastating places.
But, it also positions us to “see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (Psalm 27:13), to be rescued (Psalms 55:16), and sit at tables prepared before those who don’t do right by us (Psalms 23:5).

Feel free to allow the Lord to fill you with overflowing joy, be thankful, and
enjoy the cake.

Signature